up with my own hand. I sometimes feel so impatient and needy and goddamn horny and I’m so sorry.”

Steve doesn’t know what to say, because he doesn’t know what to think. The words he hears

are precious, like the one saying them, but he has a hard time getting his head around them. Being

loved by this generous soul is something he can understand, even if he thinks it has mostly to do with

the way Daniël simply is and not as much with being deserving of that kind of boundless affection.

But being desired on such a physical level by someone attractive enough to have all the choice in the

world is a whole different tale. It’s not that he doubts the sincerity of his lover’s feelings, but it’s just

so easy to imagine it could have been someone a lot more handsome.

“Anthony will be here in a few minutes. You go and have fun. And I’ll do my exercises.” He

can’t help but notice Daniël’s watch still lying on the table ever since he took it off, because time

pretty much lost all meaning.

Daniël sees the direction of his stare. “You leaving this hospital will be the moment I’m going

to wear my watch again.”

A head peeks around the corner. “I’m here, lads. So keep yer hands above the blankets.”

Anthony smiles brightly. “I need coffee. Oh, and Dan, is it alright if I use yer laptop?”

“Good morning to you, too. There’s a Thermos of coffee on that table. One of the nurses

brought it specially from home, and it’s halfway decent. And yes, you can use my laptop. There’s a

guest account, so go ahead.” Daniël turns to Steve again and kisses him with unhurried tenderness.

“See you in a couple of hours.”

“Don’t forget what you promised.”

Daniël looks back from the door, “About skipping the shower? I won’t.” He gives a wink, and

is gone.

Anthony pours some coffee, sits down and clears his throat. “How did it happen? You and Dan,

I mean. I didn’t know we had men like yer two in our club. In any club, for that matter.” The question

is blunt in its honest curiosity.

“I fell in love with him. He fell in love with me. We somehow managed to get the message

across. And if you’re very curious, he kissed me first.”

“Now that doesn’t surprise me one bit, with yer being quiet and invisible most of the time,”

Anthony reacts. “But with Dan being all skinny and boyish, don’t yer miss curves and, yer know, girly

bits?”

“Don’t you miss hard muscles and, well, boy bits?”

Anthony breaks out in roaring laughter. “Point taken.”

“Sorry you had to hear it this way, like we didn’t trust you and the others.”

“With the jokes we made in the dressing room and the chants from the stands, it’s not like we

were exactly giving you and Dan the idea it would be okay to hold hands during half-time break.”

Anthony takes a swig of his coffee. “I read what Dan wrote in his blog about what happened in that

park, that yer were just walking there, not to you know what ...”

Steve feels himself getting silent and withdrawn. Anthony seems to notice the change and

hastens to say: “Those fuckers had no right, even if yer had been trying to pick up some guy. And I

believe yer that yer were just walking there. I might have been in that same park meself a couple of

times as a kid. I had no idea the Queen Elizabeth’s that sort of place. Hell, if they would do the same

thing to every player in the league who’s cheating on his wife...Yer know what I mean to say. Yer

don’t go around beating people halfway to their graves because yer don’t like what they’re doing with

their pricks.”

Steve feels pity for the man trapped in his own good intentions that are somehow going all

wrong. “It’s alright. Really, it is.”

“Just want yer to know I’m happy for you and Dan. True gold that boy. Makes yer wonder how

many of the wives and girlfriends would do the same thing if it happened to one of us.”

“Surely ...” Steve tries, but Anthony cuts him short.

“There are some good, solid marriages, make no mistake about that, but how many of the

pretty birds would even look twice at us if we had been on the dole or with a dead end job?”

Steve nods. There’s no denying the facts.

“I saw him, when all of us had a hard time believing yer would stay alive. Sorry about that. I

hoped you were in some sort of better place. But that boy...It broke me heart, it did. The gaffer made

sure every day there was one or two of us checking on the two of you. He sat there, talking to yer. Like

yer could hear it.”

“I could. Not at first, and for a while I only recognised his voice, but nothing of what he

actually said, not even what language he spoke.”

“Can’t even imagine what happened to yer.”

“You think I can?”

“I guess not.”

Silence moves between them in a quiet, not unpleasant way. Steve leaves Anthony with his

own thoughts for a while. He’s starting to comprehend there are others, too, who somehow have to

learn to live in a world that isn’t quite the same any more. Some might hang onto the illusion that it

couldn’t happen to them, because they are not ‘like that’. Others might feel hurt for being kept out of

the secret. Some might feel aversion, and in turn feel guilty about that. All will have to deal with a

theoretical question that has become reality. No longer are they talking about some imaginary guys

who might not even be there. Now it’s about two of their own. Blokes they trained with. Shared the

highs and the lows of the season with. Shared dirty jokes with. Shared a changing room with. And it

would be terribly naive to think it stops at Kinbridge Town Football Club. Somewhere, in clubs no one

would ever guess at, some fully inconspicuous men are very, very scared.

Should he have said something to Gael, the last time Daniël went training? But how do you put

into words the lost ability to hear between sounds that had absolutely no meaning other than simply

being human? About how something in Matthew’s voice and Gael’s voice changed when they talked

to each other? How he thinks it still happens, but no longer is able to hear it because language has

come back to him? Are they even aware of it themselves?

Anthony’s voice shakes up his thoughts. “Didn’t Daniël say something about exercise?”

He’s grateful that for ten or fifteen minutes, he can fully concentrate on putting his leg muscles

to work. It looks like nearly nothing, those small movements, but it’s just as necessary as the more

spectacular job waiting for him in the physio room.

A nurse brings a healthy snack. Every few hours, he’s supposed to eat or drink something to

get enough proteins inside his body to make the hard job of growing muscle and being mobile again

possible at all. His body is starving, but that doesn’t mean he feels like eating. Still, spoon after spoon,

the custard with added vitamins gets eaten.

After that, he’s so tired that half of what Anthony tells him doesn’t even register.

“I guess I’ll leave yer in peace for a bit.” He opens Daniël’s laptop. “I’ll keep meself busy.”

As always, Steve isn’t aware he moves from being drowsy to actually falling asleep. But a

sharp, angry voice wakes him up.

“Don’t they have a fuckin’ heart? Bleedin’ pictures ...”

Fear creeps in. “Daniël?”

A gentle hand on his shoulder. “It’s nothing, lad. Just me getting a bit worked up. Yer fella’s

back in a good hour or so. Yer need a nurse or somethin’?”

Steve shakes his head. “No, I’m alright. You said something about pictures?”

“Yer know … the usual paparazzi stuff.” Anthony closes the laptop just a fraction too hastily.

He’s as close to blushing as Steve has ever seen him. Steve knows he’s lying, but doesn’t say anything