what happened to him surpassed everything that still could count as ‘he’s getting a bit older’ or ‘he
went never really back to his old form after that broken ankle.’ So how can Daniël look at the ruins of
the healthy, able bodied man to whom he said “See you in two days” and still want it above everyone
and everything else?
“I’m not even able to hold you.” By whatever undeserved mercies, the words that leave his
mouth this time are the right ones. The desperation revealed by that handful of simple words is as
honest as the truth of them.
Daniël looks up and rubs his eyes. His face is blotched, with snot running from his nose. He
gets on his feet again, takes a towel still lying on the bed from a few hours ago when he had washed
his hair, and uses it to clean his face provisionally. Then he grabs a couple of pillows and turns to
Steve.
He kicks off his shoes. “But I’m able to hold you.”
With infinite care, he helps Steve to turn on his side, arranging the pillows so they support his
back, and gets on the bed. He uses one arm to support his lover’s head and neck, while the other
embraces him. Their bodies are touching from head to feet.
“I missed holding you in my arms so much,” Daniël whispers. “You’re comfortable?”
Steve nestles himself against Daniël’s slightly taller body. “Is nice, this.” He feels himself
calm down, like he finally, after a long journey, has arrived at the place where he belongs. His muscles
relax; his breathing becomes more free and easy. Daniël’s heartbeat is like a song that he can’t get
enough of. The steady rising of his lover’s chest, the slight weight of his arm, the subtle pressure of
his lips against Steve’s forehead make it possible for him to say: “I wasn’t thinking. I was thinking too
much. Can you forgive me?”
“Say that I’m very lucky, and there’s still a club willing to pay me a good salary to play for
them. Perhaps Kinbridge Town, perhaps another one. Doesn’t matter. Assume I’ll be active as
professional football player for another ten, fifteen years. That makes me not even forty. Who knows,
maybe I’ll die when I’m past eighty. You tell me that I should give up half a century of being with the
man I love, for most likely hardly more than ten years of getting paid for a hobby I happen to be fairly
good at? I’m still young, but I already know that’s not how I want to look back on my life.
“Any player, who would make the next game more important than his brutally attacked wife
when she needs him the most, would be spit out by the fans and the media. Why should I treat our love
with any less care than would be expected of me if you had been a woman? If that’s what it takes to be
a high level professional player, if that’s what clubs, sponsors and fans expect of me, simply because
you and I are both men, then I have no business being a footballer.” Daniël pauses for a moment. He
glides his hand over Steve’s side and back as if to tell himself this is really happening.
Then he continues, his words a fast flow he can’t seem to stop any more than the tears ten
minutes earlier. “You did nothing worse than what was taught to us: to be second class people with
second class relationships. Oh, it’s perfectly normal nowadays, society has become all modern and
open; it’s just not me or any other footballer. If we’re really clever, we make some cryptic remarks
during interviews and hope a few get the message, because hiding your true nature hurts so fucking
much. And if they confront us, we can always say it was a joke. I did the same thing before that night.
Of course we kept silent, of course we were discreet. It’s all private, isn’t it? They don’t tell us the
intimate details of their sex lives, so why should I kiss you goodbye at the airport when we have
international duty?
“You tried to send me away out of love, because you thought it was for the best. But at least
you could have asked me about my biggest fear. Or were you afraid I wouldn’t tell you the truth out of
pity?”
“Will you walk out of the door when it is time for you to go?” Steve has to ask.
“Unless you start having an affair with that cute male nurse who gave you your sponge bath
yesterday, why should I? I’m not here because I think it’s my duty. If I had been your best friend, I
would have visited you once, perhaps twice a week, but I would not have bribed the hospital to let me
stay. I’m in love with you, Steve. You know, in love, as in sexually attracted, wanting to be
romantically involved? Set up a home with you? Share my life with you? Grow old with you?”
Daniël’s kiss leaves nothing to the imagination about what he wants to express. And Steve
leans happily into that kiss, perhaps not fully understanding why this beautiful, inside and out, young
man wants him this much, but for once accepting it without question.
“The programme to get you more mobile starts tomorrow. I’m so looking forward to that,”
Daniël says. “Getting you out of this room.”
“I guess we could both use a bit of air and exercise,” Steve acknowledges, although for the
moment he’s perfectly happy where he is.
Daniël’s hand roams Steve’s body as far as he can reach.
“Changed a lot, didn’t it?”
Daniël nods, while continuing his exploration over, and then, so very shyly, under Steve’s
pyjama top. The hand feels warm and safe.
“Thank god you’re wiser than I am,” Steve sighs. “I can’t bear to think about if you had done
what I told you and walked out of ....” Then, mid-sentence: “Set up a home with me? Grow old with
me? Are you trying to ...?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I guess I am.”
Some decisions are too important to waste time and thought over. “Yes. I’ll marry you.”
“Good. Since I’m not planning to go anywhere ever again without you, we might just as well
make it official.” And Daniël kisses him, while taking him even more tightly in his arms.
“Uh, boys, you could perhaps wait till the actual wedding night? You know, the night after the
wedding?”
They look up, startled.
Matthew grins, Gael right behind him with the same silly smile.
“I’m just sampling the goods,” Daniël jokes. But he still gets out of the bed, making sure Steve
is returned to the most comfortable position. Then he turns to the other two men and says, “Did we tell
you already this hot piece of man isn’t only freshly engaged to the luckiest guy in the world, he’s also
going to start rehabilitation therapy?”
Steve hears the three of them talk and talk and talk. Too exhausted from the storm of emotions,
he isn’t able to contribute much, so he simply lets himself be wrapped in the warmth of their presence
and gentle words.
His hand safely in Daniël’s.
Chapter 14
Within three days, all the guys (including the reserves) have been paying a visit to ask, “Is the
skipper pulling our legs, the two of you engaged to be married and all?”
To be honest, Steve needs a bit of time to get used to the idea. One moment he’s desperately
trying to set Daniël free and the next he’s almost casually saying yes to a between-the-lines marriage
proposal. But what if it was all a misunderstanding? Perhaps Daniël was just trying to reassure Steve
he still loved him after what had happened? Was he being too nice, too decent, to admit he didn’t
actually mean to say he wanted to formalise their bond? Did he not want to embarrass Steve in front of
Matthew and Gael when they entered the room and heard what they heard?
But as soon as the other two are gone Daniël gets his mobile out. “Mum and dad just have to
hear this. They will be over the moon for us.”