because he hopes he can still taste a bit of the world outside. “You have ten or more years on this level

ahead of you. I think you still don’t realise how incredibly talented you actually are. I’ve been

wondering how much longer Kinbridge Town can hold on to you, before one of the big clubs snatches

you away. That’s not something you carelessly shove aside.”

“I’m not worried about it.” Daniël smiles at Steve. “I love football but I really love you.”

Steve knows what he has to say next, but it takes him more than a day to actually say it.

Chapter 13

“Daniël?”

The boy looks up from his laptop.

“Can we talk?”

The smiling face becomes cautious. The dear soul feels a storm is brewing. Steve knows he

must be strong now. No use in stalling the inevitable. Facing the truth and dealing with it isn’t cruel.

Absolutely painful, perhaps even harsh, but also in a way, the kindest thing he could possibly do.

Daniël sets his laptop aside and takes Steve’s hands in his own. “Something’s bothering you?

Something the doctor said? Are you worried you’re not going to get better?”

He has to say the words. They need to be said. Not just in his head, but out loud so his beloved

can hear them and, in a way, he can hear them himself. He needs the reality of the sound of his own

voice.

“I love you. You know that, don’t you?” He feels the truth of these words in the marrow of his

bones, in the very core of his heart, but it’s not how he planned this talk.

Daniël leans forward to kiss him. “Silly man, as if I would ever doubt that.”

Steve smiles, despite the panic forming in his head and limbs. He almost hopes the police

come in to ask about the most gruesome details, again. Or that the doctors have to do some timeconsuming

and somewhat painful tests.

He’s honest enough with himself to admit he doesn’t want this. He’d be perfectly happy

holding Daniël’s hands and sharing a few kisses and talking about nothing in particular. But that

would be selfish, and Daniël deserves more than that. He deserves to hear the words lingering in

Steve’s mind. “Please, you will let me finish what I have to say, even if you don’t like it at first, or if

it perhaps confuses you?”

Daniël frowns. “One of the doctors told you something that scared you? Has it something to do

with your recovery? When I was at the Graces, training? I knew I shouldn’t have gone.”

“Listen, please?”

Daniël nods, finally agreeing to Steve’s request.

“I understand the doctor perfectly well. It will take months to get me as healthy and mobile as

possible. I’m brain damaged and I’ll never again be the man I was. My days as a footballer are over; a

bit early, but at my age, that’s something I can live with.” Steve pauses, thankful that Daniël doesn’t

protest at the first opportunity. The grip of his fingers around Steve’s hand is telling enough,

though.“You still have a chance. You’re young, healthy. Perhaps a bit out of practice, but a few weeks

of training should take care of that. If Kinbridge Town can’t keep you, I’m sure there are still clubs

who’ll be more than eager to contract you, once the storm quiets down a bit.”

Daniël starts to laugh. “That’s it? You’re still worried about my career? You know I was set to

go to university before Kinbridge offered me a contract. I can still do that.”

“Look at me, Danny, really look at me. You have your whole life ahead of you. I’m not saying

that it won’t hurt me, or hurt you, but the pain will heal in time. You will give so many people the joy

of your talent. You will find love. Don’t throw it all away.”

The laughter dies. Daniël shakes his head in furious denial; his eyes wide and dark in a ghostly

pale face. He’s still clutching Steve’s hands.

“You gave me a reason to live when all that beckoned me was death. You were with me at my

darkest hour. You didn’t abandon me when the monsters were tearing me apart. Now let me give you

your life back. Please, Daniël, this is the only gift of any value I have to give to you. There is so little

left of me.” His voice is reduced to a whisper, he’s close to begging. “I’ll give a press conference to

declare that this is my idea, that it is me asking you to leave. That you were and are a loyal friend, but

it’s time to ...”

Abruptly, Daniël stands up, not accepting another word. For a second, he stands tall and with a

rage able to stop Death in its tracks. Then the expression of his face changes and his legs give out.

The sadness of the boy is unbearable to watch. He huddles on the floor against the bed where

he’s been sleeping every night for the last few months. His face hidden against his knees, his

shoulders shaking violently with the sobs that seem to crush him like a tidal wave.

Instinctively, Steve stretches his hand out as far as he’s able to, but he can’t reach his

distressed lover. He sees how his gift, the sacrifice of letting Daniël go in order to make sure his

beloved can lead a normal life, turns out to be the very source of such deep sorrow. These are not the

tears of a regretted but unavoidable goodbye. Daniël isn’t trying to hold back what has to be accepted

in the end. He isn’t mourning for all that has been lost, what has been taken from him and can never be

given back in full.

In all his good intentions, Steve had failed to see the truth for what it is: he’s trying to spare

himself, not the man he claims to love. What worth has a sacrifice that hasn’t been asked for? Why

does he consider the brooding in his own head, about being too much of a burden for the younger man,

of more value than the look in his lover’s eyes? No one, no matter how strong and motivated and

healthy, can stay in this environment for so many weeks on end, and still be the person he was. The

few moments outside during the day, if he can avoid the press and the fans, are not enough to let

Daniël keep a healthy colour. The lack of regular exercise results in a decline of muscle definition,

like his body retreats to the boyish lankiness of its youth. Tiredness creeps in. A certain sadness. And

yet, every single time he looks into Daniël’s eyes, he sees light and warmth and the sheer pleasure that

comes from being with someone whose company gives him nothing but joy. Of being exactly where

he wants to be. Many look at him with compassion, admiration, quite a few with genuine friendship,

but Daniël is the only one who sees him through the eyes of a lover.

Perhaps it was for that very reason he told the boy to go. For he no longer can fool himself into

believing it’s all because of Daniël’s needs. How much can love endure before it slowly caves in under

the pressure? Before its fire is no longer even a smouldering ember? Before the light dies and bitter

duty takes its place?

The boy sobs his heart out because he sees his love, given from a transparent heart and without

asking more in return than Steve is able to give, thrown back at him for reasons that are altruistic at

most on the outside. Honest love is being met with paternalism disguised as concern.

Being confronted with the stark reality of the limits of his body, with little hope of becoming

fully independent again in all aspects as is normally expected from a grown man, he can’t imagine

Daniël seeing that same body and accepting it for what it is. They are in an extremely physical

profession. Injuries or even simply being past 30, 35, will be enough to be forced to look somewhere

else. Another club, lower in the hierarchy. Another job altogether. The time between being a promise

for the future and being past absolute prime isn’t much more than a handful of years for most. And