“I’m sorry,” I started but before I could finish my sentence he sobbed, “I saw him.”

“Who?” I asked but I knew the answer as soon as the question came out of my mouth.

“I saw him hanging in our living room,” he cried. “My mom doesn’t know I saw him, but I did. I

looked in to the room when she was calling an ambulance.”

“Fuck,” I said and stroked his arm to comfort him. David kept on crying.

“I loved my dad. He was not a loser.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again and sagged down next to him on the bed. I really wanted him to stop crying so

I started stroking his hair and repeating stuff like “I’m sorry” and “I know you loved your dad.” And

while I was doing this I suddenly became aware of his body, which was pressed against mine in his

narrow bed. We were both wearing shorts and I could feel his bare legs against mine and his ass against

my crotch only separated by a couple of layers of cloth. All of a sudden I was so horny I couldn’t think of

anything than pressing my body closer to his and wrapping my arms around his chest. David was still

sobbing, although it started getting less. With each sob I could feel his body jerk against mine. My face

was now buried in his hair, which smelled faintly of our shampoo. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it

any more and I was sure that he could feel my hard-on pressing up his back, he shifted his weight so that

he was really spooned against me. The crying had stopped. At that moment I knew that I wanted him more

than I’d ever wanted anything, even though I hadn’t even kissed someone yet, and it terrified me.

The only thing I could think of, since that moment in bed together, was staying away from David as far

as possible. But I wanted to be with him at the same time too. My feelings were so conflicting and driving

me crazy.

4. A troubled senior year

At school everything pretty much stayed the same. I was busy with the school newspaper and football

practice and kept my distance from my brother. But at home, nothing felt like the same anymore. Whatever

David and I did together, it could be homework or swimming in our pool, there was only one thing on my

mind constantly. The thought of him in his swim shorts kept me awake at night until I jerked off.

Since my dad bought me my own computer that I could use for homework in my room, I’d been looking

at some interesting gay porn sites, carefully covering my tracks of course. I spend hours behind the

computer looking at some beefy hunks, but no guy in real-life turned me on like David did. My hormones

were raging and sometimes it was impossible to think of anything else when he was in the same room as I

was.

Playing basketball with David now became agonizing because it meant I had to control my feelings for

him when we were playing. When it warm outside David played without his shirt on. He tanned easily

and playing a lot of sports had made his body trim and muscular. Sweat would drip of his chest and back

when he tried to hard to beat me. The heaving of his chest made it almost impossible for me to focus on

the game. I started to think that he did it on purpose too, playing bare-chested, just to taunt me and win the

game.

Even though I felt bad about it, I couldn’t stop myself from taking every opportunity to touch David.

When were playing basketball I would jump against him, if we were in the pool with Christine I

pretended to goof around so that I could slide my hands over his body. He would never say anything about

this stuff although my true motives must have been so transparent at times.

At night we started watching movies together in his bed, because he had a bigger TV than I did. We’d

lie next to each other eating popcorn out of the same bowl and if it were cold we’d even share a blanket.

When it was an especially gory horror movie David would bury his head against my neck sometimes, his

breath tickling my ear. I searched the video store to find even scarier horror movies each time so that he

would be afraid enough to curl up next to me. In hindsight, I don’t think he was ever scared of any of them.

He was just looking for an excuse to touch me too.

I still hadn’t told my dad that I was gay yet although I’d known for three years now. In fact, nobody

knew; not dad, not my friends, nor Christine. I felt too awkward to tell anyone. I knew that my dad would

not be angry if he found out because his older brother was gay too. My uncle had gotten a lot of shit from

my grandpa when he came out in the seventies and my dad had always resented grandpa for it. My dad

and my uncle, who was also a layer, had always been very close and even though my uncle lived in

Florida now they called each other regularly. Still, I wondered how dad would feel about his ‘perfect,

straight A scoring’ son being gay. Would he still take me out for burgers after a football game, would

there still be father and son trips to LA? Even if I’d been reluctant to come out before, things were far

worse now. I wasn’t just gay but I also felt perverted. David wasn’t just my stepbrother; we shared the

twins as half brothers. We were family.

Then one evening, Juliette was busy in the kitchen, cooking some intricate dish and my dad was in his

study making a phone call. I had wanted to ask him if he was planning to come to my next football game

when I overheard him talking to one of his acquaintances.

“…Michael is doing wonderful in school, the boy just has a photographic memory. I’m sure with his

grades he will get in to Columbia easily… Yeah I’m really lucky with him, he’s a good athlete too and

popular at school. I wish that his brother could be more like him; That boy just lies around in his room all

day, reading comics… His biological dad was like that too you know, a dreamer. He always had great

plans according to Juliette but he couldn’t hold a job… Yeah, you’re right, I’m lucky that my eldest is

such a great kid. I hope the twins will grow up to his example…” He laughed, “…Yeah, we’ve discussed

it and after he’s finished law school he’ll come work at the firm.”

Standing outside his study, I was feeling rebellious all of a sudden and his constant praise, when I did

nothing special to deserve it, was annoying me. I wondered how he would still feel about me, now that I

turned out to be not as perfect as he might have imagined.

When he finally hung up the phone I walked in to his study and told him… “Dad I’m gay.”

He looked very surprised and for the first time I also saw a hint of disappointment in his eyes. It quickly

passes away. Before he had any chance to say anything though, David walked in.

“Mom wants you both downstairs for dinner,” he said. When he saw the look on my dad’s face and my

annoyance for him walking in he asked; “What’s wrong? Were you discussing something important?” My

dad sighed. “Michael has just told me he’s gay,” he said. David smiled, “Well, so am I.”

I could have strangled him at that moment. Why did he always have to be exactly like me? My dad

looked at both us in disbelief and walked downstairs to tell Juliette.

“You’re such an idiot,” I told David when I rushed downstairs too.

My feelings about David also being gay were conflicted to say the least. I hated him for being like me

again, even if he didn’t do it on purpose this time. On the other hand I was excited because it brought my

fantasy of us sleeping together nearer within my reach. But it also scared me because the possibility of us

having sex in my room was just so wrong… What if my dad caught us while we were making out? I was

sure he’d disown the both of us. He’d never speak to me again. It would have been so much easier if