The next night I saw Sarah in the streets and avoided her, and for a week or so. Then I met her and took her to * * * * St. for amusement — I never mentioned him, and told her not to do so. At a second meeting the same. But she, — “Aren't you going to see * * *? He's every day with me bothering, asking what he is to do, what he's done to offend you. He cries about you al-most.”
I said that I never meant to see him again, and was sick, sorry, and sad about the affair. — So she told him, I believe, that I had gone abroad. From that day to this I have never set eyes on him, and avoided enquiring about him till once long after. Then Sarah told me that after having spent all his money and pawned his clothes, he had gone to work at painting again.
I cannot describe the effect these frolics had on me. Spite of myself I could think of nothing else. — This is the more remarkable because until the few last years I could not bear the look of an anus, and when I fucked dog fashion, I rarely looked at the lady's bum hole. — Now all was anus — anus — nothing but anus. The incidents flashed across my mind repeatedly, and altho the recollection of the thing sickened and even revolted me — altho I felt disgusted with myself — still I desired to try again, to know what the pleasure was — for of that I seemed to know nothing — had not the slightest idea — all was blank.
One night I took woman after woman to a house — and after looking at their cunts, suggested that the other entrance would suit me better. I was unsuccessful at first, and felt abashed, yet persisted. — At length I had a tall dark French woman, and began by fucking her dog fashion — then pulled apart her bum cheeks, and said I should like to put into her bum hole. — “You must give me another sovereign then,” said she quickly. — Out came my prick. “Wait a minute,” said she. Going to a closet and returning with cold cream, she began to anoint my prick with it, and then anointed her own bum hole — turned round — and the next minute guided my prick there herself.
I refused, left directly, and took a disgust at her; but thought I had had an instructive two sovereigns' worth.
Next night an English woman consented freely, and instantly I paid her and left, my curiosity satisfied. My fancy then turned to Sarah. I thought of our conversations, of the attempt with our fingers, and soon took to fucking her with her backside towards me, and looking at the round orifice when doing so. At length I made the proposal to her, and she said she'd see me in hell first.
The conversation then had a bumhole ramming tendency — I told her what I had tried with the Devon-shire woman in my extreme youth, but never about the man. We sat and talked, then lay down and talked about it, till she — “I have a good mind to try.” “Do, and if it hurts I'll never do it again.” “Did it seem to hurt the woman you did it to?” I told her I could not tell, that it seemed like a dream years, years before. “Try it — I want to try with you whom I know, and if we don't like it, we won't repeat it, I half wish to know what it is like,” said she.
She came and leant over the side of the bed. I think I see her now — with her bum projecting, the dark haired, full lipped cunt pushing out between her thighs. She was tall, her bum exactly at a level for the work, everything was convenient. “Now if it hurts, promise not to go on.” She straddled her legs apart conveniently. With one hand holding open the bum cheeks to see, and with my heart beating, I guided my prick. It began to droop and as fast as I write this, it shrivelled up.
I frigged it stiff, again and again — but the instant the tip touched the brown hole, it shrank. I thrust it up her cunt till almost ready to spend, then pulled it out, and again tried. Down it drooped. Then she sucked it stiff, and again presenting her mark, I again essayed. It was equally useless. All but finishing a fuck in her cunt, to stiffen it for a last trial, I pulled it out and pushed towards the brown circle, when my discredit-able prick spent over her rump, and I was unable again to stiffen it, altho I tried my fingers, her fingers, her cunt, and her lips.
I had promised her five pounds if I effected the delicate entry, and she thought I ought to pay it. I did not, and paid fucking price for I had now made up my mind to do it, and when I make up my mind to a thing, like it to come off. — “I have had a stiff prick from merely thinking about your bum hole, and now I fail. When can I try again? — I don't think my prick likes the color.” Next night I went to the spot she usually was to be found at * * * * and off to the A* *a we went. My pego almost lifted me off the ground — I had a pot of cold cream. Hastily we undressed, and turning her buttocks towards me I greased her hole. Then she funked it, and turned round. She had been thinking it over and would rather not, altho wishing to try the sensation, she said.
Refusing her invitation to fuck, or be sucked, I but-toned up in a temper to go away. — “The other night I seemed to wish it, but now I fear it, but come and try — give me your word that if I cry out, you will pull it out.”
I got a stiff stander of the first order, a little more cream on her hole, a little on my piercer. I gave a push and entered. — “Oho — I can't bear it — take it out — take it out.” I drove it up to its limits, pushing her close to the bed — grasping her like a vice — and fucking violently, spent — I had barely done so, when her sphincter tightened round my knob, hurting and ejecting it. She staggered to a sofa and laid down. I threw myself on the bed exhausted with excitement, for again I felt almost mad.
Said Sarah, “Well — I have not a hole left now that a prick can get up that has not been spent in. I would not have believed it but I've done it at last.” She washed her anus, I my tool, then we sat and talked.
She said the first sensation was painful, and after that it was a strange sensation, half pain half pleasure. As before — I knew I had been up it and spent, but as to comparing the sensations of the two orifices I could not. — I couldn't realize how I had done it — and didn't recollect any sensation at all. I felt again surprised and shocked with myself, and that's all. This of course was foolish, but my narrative is true.
I took a dislike to Sarah for permitting it and for a time avoided her. When we next met, she told me she was all right. “There is nothing in it after all — I've heard several women say so, you may do it again if you wish, I'd like to try again now without fear.” But I didn't wish, I had had enough of the fantasy.
Indeed I liked to think of what I'd done less and less
— felt angry with myself. — Spite of my philosophy my act revolted me. But Sarah often referred to it, at first hinted that she'd like to try again, then openly asked me to do it, and was surprised that I refused. “Ask Mr. F**z*r,” said I — meaning her husband. “No, I'll never be a whore to him,” she replied (singular life, and notions.)
Sarah now with me never disguised her wants, her lusts, or sensations. — Perhaps the feeling that she need not sham and lie to me was a luxury to her. “You had better not have me tonight.” Or — “I don't want it to-night.” Or “I'm just ready to spend, for I've not had a bit of cock I liked for three days, and Mr. F's away” — were phrases, or like those which I often heard. She didn't hesitate to say she should like to be bum-fucked again. “Just to try if there is any real pleasure in it. — I wonder you don't, as you say you don't even recollect any pleasure in spending.” But I wouldn't, and never did try.
About three weeks afterwards I went to her lodgings.
— She had been out that evening before I called. She said, “I wanted both a man and money, I'm randy be damned to night, and have not fucked for three days
— give it me, old man” — and she pulled my prick out of my trowsers. — She had been drinking. I had taken wine with me to her, and when she had drunk two or three glasses, she began talking about her bum hole. “Come, don't be stupid, put it in there, it's my birth-day — Mary * * * * told me that her man often does to her, and both like it. Do it, bugger me and I'll frig my-self when you're in.” — So she talked and incited me again to open her rectum. I refused resolutely, and didn't like her persistence.