From outside the front door, I could hear voices I had no trouble recognising. It was the soft, caring tones of my friends Lizard Neck and Frying Pan. As their heavy footsteps thudded into the front room, I was already out the back door, over the fence, and away.

I hurried back to the office. On the way, I passed the school crossing where I had spoken to Raphael two days previously, and there a bizarre sight caught my eye. Despite the complete absence of any traffic, a large group of children was huddled on the side of the road, waiting for a crossing guard to help them across. It looked like school was going to be out in Heaven today.

* * *

By the time I got back, Jessie was in the kitchen making breakfast. I sat down at the table and she placed a plate of pancakes and a cup of steaming coffee in front of me. As we ate, we chatted about nothing in particular. Afterwards, we both stood up.

She said, “I guess I’d better be going.”

I said, “Angel’s work is never done?”

She sighed. “There’s no rest for the wicked, but I don’t like to consider the alternative.” Then she switched on her lights and walked out the door.

I sat down at my desk and mulled over the current state of affairs. I now had two missing people, far too many suspects with far too many motives, and no real evidence of any kind. I’d clearly reached a dead end. Heaven might have more secrets, but it wasn’t about to spit them out. If I wanted to move the case forward, there was another place I needed to visit. But after what Jessie had told me last night, I wasn’t sure I wanted to think about what I would find when I got there.

Luckily, I was able to put off such forebodings for the moment, because at that precise instant the phone decided to ring. I picked it up and immediately heard a voice with clear tones, precise diction, and a complete lack of interest in talking to me. It was God’s servant, Gabriel.

“The Master would like to see you immediately.”

“I’m on my way,” I said. “Any idea what this might be about?”

“I’m afraid not. But I don’t think He’s very happy.”

I polished off a quick glass of bourbon before hurrying over to God’s palace. The prospect of facing an angry God was not one that filled me with gleeful anticipation. Still, I did see one positive that could come out of this meeting. I hadn’t had a smoke since I arrived in Heaven. This time, I wasn’t going to turn down God’s offer.

Gabriel ushered me into the palace and led me through the packed waiting room. Within God’s chamber, the television was blaring and God was sitting on the couch, utterly enthralled.

Gabriel cleared his throat. “Mr Clarenden to see you,” he said. Then he exited, not quite able to hide the smirk on his face.

God flicked the television off and slowly turned towards me. His face was red and His lips were tightly pursed.

“Jimmy Clarenden,” He rasped. “You have some explaining to do.”

“What exactly do you need me to explain?” I wasn’t exactly quaking in my boots, but only because I wasn’t wearing boots.

“Do you recall what I said to you when you first arrived in Heaven?”

“You said a number of things to me when I first arrived in Heaven. Which one in particular do you wish me to recall?”

“I told you that the peace of Heaven must be preserved. I gave you specific instructions that you were not to cause trouble of any kind.”

“Instructions I have taken great pains to follow.”

“Not great enough. Since your arrival, I have had no end of complaints about your behaviour. Attempts to break into the house of one of my angels. Run-ins with the police, from which I have had to bail you out personally. And now I find that another of my angels has disappeared. Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn’t have you taken off the case immediately?” As God spoke, His eyes glittered ferociously from under His bushy eyebrows.

I took a deep breath before I replied.

“Listen to me, God,” I said. “First of all, in regard to Raphael’s disappearance, I have no idea who is responsible and I don’t see how that even concerns me. Secondly, in regard to the other disturbances, you’ve hired me to do a job. In the course of trying to do that job, there is a good chance I’m going to uncover some things that were better left covered, and put some noses out of joint. I’m not apologising for that. If you want me to be able to do my job properly, you’re going to have to accept that, and then step back and let me operate the way I see fit. It’s your call. Do you want to see your son again or not?”

“I really need a cigarette,” God muttered. I watched expectantly as He reached towards His pocket. But suddenly, He withdrew His hand again.

“No,” He said firmly. He sat up very straight, pulling His shoulders back. “I will not give in to temptation. As of today, I’m giving up the demon weed for good.”

“That’s very noble of you,” I said flatly.

“Probably why I’m in such a foul mood.” He tried to assume a comfortable pose, but ended up looking as relaxed as an air traffic controller after six cups of coffee. “I suppose you’re right. I’m sorry for yelling at you. It’s just that the stress has been starting to get to me. And Sally’s been getting to me too.”

“Seems like you’ve been handing out too many treats to Sally, and now she’s got a sweet tooth that won’t go away.”

God sighed. “Don’t think I don’t know it. I’ve heard all the things people are saying. It’s just that sometimes I find it hard to say no. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve always had a soft spot for blondes.”

“I know what you mean,” I said. “I like to think I’m as hard as the reinforced hull of a supertanker, but show me a honey-blonde mane and a red-lipped smile and I’m sunk. But now, while I’m still afloat, I’d like to return to the subject of Raphael’s disappearance. Can you imagine why anyone would want to kidnap him?”

“I’ve got absolutely no idea. Everyone loved Raphael.”

“I wouldn’t have expected sarcasm from you.”

“Well, what would you have expected?” God said abruptly. “Nobody liked Raphael much, including me. He was annoying. Save the birds, save the trees, save the poor from the whales. Someone please save me from Raphael.”

“What happened to the God of charity I was always told about?”

“Listen to me,” said God, folding His arms like a stubborn child. “Do you like it when people come around hassling you for donations?”

“Not particularly.”

“So why should I? After all, I made you in my image. Doesn’t it make sense that if you don’t like something, I probably won’t like it much either?”

“I never thought of it like that,” I said. Put that way, it made complete sense. Put that way, a lot of things made complete sense.

“Okay,” I said. “Notwithstanding the fact that almost anyone in Heaven could have had a motive for kidnapping Raphael, can you think of any way his disappearance might be connected to Phil’s? Remember that Phil disappeared while he was on his way to see Raphael.”

“I couldn’t say if there’s a connection. Phil was a lot more tolerant of Raphael than just about anyone else in Heaven, but I definitely wouldn’t have called them friends.”

I chewed over God’s response for a second. Then I spoke again.

“You couldn’t say if there’s a connection. Does that mean there isn’t a connection, or there is one but you’re not willing to tell me what it is?”

God turned to me and exploded.

“What do you mean by that?” He thundered.

“I think you can probably figure it out for yourself.”

“Who do you think you are, talking to me like that? Are you implying that I’m holding back information? Do you really think that if there was something I could tell you that might help bring back my son, I wouldn’t?”

The feeling of violence in the room was palpable. I realised I’d better settle things down again quickly. There was no telling what God was capable of if He really got angry.