I didn’t even know what the thug’s name was, and I didn’t want to know. It made it easier when they disappeared.

Yoda looked over at me, and I realized I hadn’t been listening. Was I supposed to do something? If I didn’t pay attention, there would be hell to pay. I’d already learned that a time or two. My mind flashed back to Julia, her angelic face reminding me again why I was here.

The shot went off before I could even shift my thoughts from Julia. I felt the splatter against my face, and my stomach rolled. I heard the sound of maniacal laughing. The thug lay crumpled on the ground, his face splattered behind him on the wall.

Yoda grabbed me, shoving the .22 under my chin. “You want to be next, Frat Boy? What the hell is your problem?” We all had nicknames, and somehow mine had become Frat Boy. I hated it, but it wasn’t like you could tell them not to call you that. Unless you wanted it to be the last thing you ever said.

My eyes snapped to his. No. I couldn’t be next. “No problem,” I forced my voice to say.

“Next one is yours.” He couldn’t make me do this. He wouldn’t. But I already knew if he said it, he would.

“Please, no,” I mumbled over and over. But he could no longer hear me. He was on the phone, telling one of the higher ups he had done his job.

I reached out, gripping onto the unknown assailant, the word ‘no’ falling off of my lips. I pushed my fingers into soft flesh, willing them to get away from me. They couldn’t make me. I wasn’t going to do it.

“Johnny.” The whimpered voice sounded so much like Julia. They were just trying to mess with me. They knew who she was.

I squeezed harder, my eyes refusing to open to see what they were going to do to me. I had to get away.

“Johnny!” My eyes snapped open. Julia’s eyes filled with tears. I was gripping her upper arms with all of my strength. I let go, sitting up so quickly she stumbled back.

“Oh, my God. Julia.” She stood next to my bed, holding her hands on what would probably end up being bruises on her arms. “I’m sorry, Jules. Are you okay?”

She nodded, biting her lip to keep from crying. I stood, wrapping my arms around her. I hurt my own sister.

“I was dreaming, Jules. I’m so sorry. I can’t . . . I hurt you. I’m a monster.”

She pulled back. “I’m fine, Johnny. I heard you calling out while I was feeding Calia, and I wanted to make sure you were okay. What’s going on?”

“I . . . Julia . . . I’ve never . . .” I shook my head. I couldn’t stay here. What if I did something terrible? Hell, I already had. “Where’s Carter? I need to talk to him.”

“No.” Julia shook her head. “I’m fine, Johnny. You didn’t know. It was my fault for interrupting your nightmare. You didn’t hurt me.”

I lifted her hands off of her arms and saw large red marks where my fingers had been pressing into her soft skin. “Yes, I did. Julia. I’m so sorry.”

She pushed my hands off. “What were you dreaming about?”

I still couldn’t believe I’d hurt my sister, the very person I’d sworn to protect at all costs. I was an asshole. I didn’t deserve her. I couldn’t be around her or Calia. What if I did something to hurt either one of them? I’d never forgive myself.

“Nothing. Julia, I can’t stay here.”

Her eyes widened. “What do you mean? Of course, you can stay here. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have . . .”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” I snapped. “I hurt you. I shouldn’t be here. Carter should kick my ass.”

She snorted. We both knew Carter kicking my ass would not happen, but I’d let him. I deserved it. “You stop this nonsense. You’re my brother. I’m here for you.” Julia perched on the edge of the bed. “I want to be there for you, Johnny. Talk to me.”

“Let’s get you an ice pack so they won’t bruise,” I said, ignoring her prodding. I pushed past her towards the kitchen, getting out two small ice packs and wrapping them in towels. When I turned, she was standing behind me, her shirt barely covering the angry red marks.

I pressed an ice pack to each arm, her looking up at me like she used to do while I bandaged her bloody knees from falling off of her bike. She’d been the most adorable little girl, but not graceful.

“Where’s Carter?”

Julia blinked. “It’s okay, Johnny. He’s at the office already.”

“I need to talk to him.”

“I’ll take care of it.”

I removed one of the ice packs. “You have marks on your skin from me, Julia. If my wife . . .” I trailed off, the word so foreign on my lips it made me stop talking. It was almost comical. My wife. I’d never utter those words for real to anyone, so it was safe. But still. I’d kill someone for touching my sister, and yet I was the one that had done it.

“Do you have nightmares a lot?”

I sighed. She wasn’t going to let this go. I looked over at the clock on the oven and saw it was just a little after eight in the morning. I’d been asleep less than two hours. “Yes.”

“You should see someone. Carter’s mom has this friend that’s a psychologist.”

“No.” I said it a little too loud, but I wasn’t going there. Not now. Not ever. No damn shrink was going to get into my head and tell me how fucked up I was. I already knew. And there was no way in hell I would ever tell anyone the things that lived inside me. The things I’d done and had done to me.

“Just think about it,” Julia continued softly as if I hadn’t been behaving like a prick. My sister was such an amazing soul and had done nothing but try to help me. Yet I still couldn’t accept it. Being here in her house was enough, and even that was going to stop. I’d find somewhere else to stay so it wasn’t possible that I’d hurt her ever again.

“Your past is your past, Johnny. Let it go. It’s time to move on from it. If you can’t do that yourself, there’s no shame in getting help to do it. Carter saw her after his car accident and finding out Ronan wasn’t really his dad.”

I stared at Julia, the anger that was coming to the surface almost too much to contain. She means well, Johnny. Breathe. She finally stepped back and removed my hands from her arms. She looked down at the discoloration. They were lighter, but would probably still bruise. My sister was going to have bruises on her arms from me. And when Carter saw them later, I’d let him punch me. It was only fair. I welcomed the pain.

I needed to go to the gym. Carter had told me which one he went to, so I could type it into my GPS and find it. It sounded good to beat the shit out of something for a few hours, even with no sleep.

“I love you.” I pressed my lips to her forehead. “I’m going to the gym.”

I walked out of the kitchen and back to my room, knowing she was watching me the whole time.

“You know anyone that has a place to rent? Just a studio, a small one bedroom?”

Cal looked over at me, then back at his counts. “I have an open room. Not sure how you feel about having a roommate.”

As long as you don’t wake me up from a nightmare, we’ll be good. “Really? Even if I’m only here temporarily?”

Cal nodded. “Yeah. I think we’d get along well and as long as you aren’t a total slob, well, that’s good with me.”

Julia was going to be so mad at me, but I had to do it. I couldn’t chance next time doing something worse than bruising her arms. “Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”

“Things not working out with your sister?”

“Nah, I just want to give them their space, you know? She has a baby, and my schedule with me coming in at all hours just isn’t fair to her.”

“Don’t I know it,” Cal said. “This place is why my girlfriend dumped me a few months ago. She worked during the day, and we literally went weeks without seeing each other.”

I assumed Cal was a few years younger than me though I didn’t ask, and I didn’t care. I was sure he had a story, but asking him meant him asking me, and that was a no-go. He was a nice looking guy, with light brown hair, brown eyes, and was tan and cut. I had at least four inches on him, though.