“If Will Walker is such a bad guy, why do you work for him?” I finally ask.

Matt stops walking. “I don’t work for him. I work for Nick.” He says Nick’s name like it’s a disease. “You have no right to judge me. I didn’t see you caring about Nick or his uncle when you were getting free pills!” He grabs my arm and drags me the last block to Lucy’s house. I don’t struggle to get away because I don’t want to cause a scene, and honestly, Matt’s concern is comforting to me. Maybe I am in shock, or maybe he’s just overreacting.

I take out my key and open the door. I try to slam it in Matt’s face, but he blocks it with his foot.

“Are you going to call the police?”

“Not until I figure this out. Not until I know for sure.” I try to close the door, but Matt holds it open.

“Will Walker wants to kill you,” he says, and hands me my backpack. “And Nick was ready to help.” He storms down my stairs and jogs away.

“Nick doesn’t even know who I am!” I yell.

“Exactly,” Matt yells back without stopping.

I slam the door shut and lock it.

I scream until my throat burns.

I tear through my room looking for the one thing that will make everything better. I dump my memory box on the bed, and pictures scatter across the comforter. I pluck the Big Red package from the pile and pull out the gum.

It’s empty. Of course it’s empty. Matt stopped giving me pills once he realized he wasn’t benefiting from me getting high. Some friend he is. I pick up my phone and type a text to Arnie then delete it. I can’t ask Arnie for a pill, he’ll tell Nick. Arnie is loyal to Nick, more than Matt. Matt is a liar. He lied to me for weeks about why Nick was going off to run errands all the time. He lied to me about his feelings. And now this. For all I know, he’s making up this story to turn me against Nick.

I fall onto the bed and cry. My tears run black as my makeup smears all over the pillow case. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. I need thizz. I need it more than I need answers about Will Walker. I need it more than I need Nick, Lucy, coffee, or air. I pick up my phone, scroll through the contacts, and click on his name.

“What up, D?” The music in his car quiets while he waits for me to speak. I contemplate hanging up. No. I need this. I can do this. “D, you there?”

“Yeah, can you come by my house, right now?”

I’m sitting on my bed when he rings the doorbell. I send a text telling him the door is unlocked, and to meet me on the third floor. My heart pounds with every step he takes closer to my room.

“Dani,” he calls out when he’s on the stairs to the attic.

My head is spinning.

Oh my God. What am I doing?

A long, low-pitched creak echoes into the room as Alex pushes open the door.

I remember Nick standing in that same spot watching me undress. Alex has the same stunned look when he sees me in yoga shorts and a tank top.

“What’s going on?” His voice is a mix of optimism and fear.

I exhale and try to force a smile, but it’s more difficult than I anticipated. I don’t have it in me to put on the same show I gave Nick.

Just do it! All the pain will be gone as soon as you have a pill.

I stand up and hold my hand out to Alex.

He hesitates at my gesture, and his guard goes up. “Where’s Nick? Is this some kind of joke?” He steps back like he’s going to leave, and I panic.

“Wait! No!” I reach for him. “Nick isn’t here. I promise.”

My plea stops Alex’s retreat. He leans against my desk and crosses his arms. I suddenly feel very self-conscience about the way I’m dressed. What the hell were you thinking? I pull a jacket from the pile on the floor. I put it on and zip it up as I fight back tears. “Um, I just had a really bad day, and I was hoping you could hook me up.”

The skepticism in Alex’s face is quickly replaced with pleasure. He drops his arms and reaches into his jacket pocket, pulling out a small baggy with about a dozen pills inside. “Is this what you want?” He shakes the bag in my face and grins.

“Yes.” I step forward and reach for the bag, but Alex moves it quickly and grabs my hand, pulling me to him in one quick motion.

I try to yank free, but he’s too strong. “Alex, wait!”

“What? Isn’t this why you brought me up here?” His breath smells like cigarettes. Every time he exhales, I suck in a mouthful of second-hand smoke. “Wasn’t this for me?” He opens my jacket and runs the back of his hand over my bra-less chest. I look into his eyes and realize this is the price I have to pay to get high.

The pain will be gone as soon as I take a pill. You don’t have to hurt anymore. You don’t have to care. Thizz makes it all better. If I do this, my relationship with Nick is over, forever. Isn’t it over already?

I inhale another mouthful of Alex’s nicotine-laced breathe. “I was, I can…pay you.” I look at the bag then back at his yellow-stained teeth. “How much do I owe you?” Alex lets me go and I pretend to look for my wallet.

“So what, you got tired of giving it up to Matt and thought you’d call me?” Alex sneers.

“What are you talking about?” I don’t want Alex to know he’s even partially right about Matt giving me pills. Not that I should care about what happens to Matt.

“Matt’s stash always came up short. Then I saw you two on Nick’s birthday, all over each other in the yard. You’re lucky Nick’s a fucking jerk-off and thinks none of his boys would have the balls to do him dirty.” I step away from him, towards the door. “But I ain’t his boy. I’m just here to watch him for Will. Since that’s over now, I don’t owe him shit.”

“What’s over?” I ignore all his other comments, focusing only on what he said about Will.

“Will partnered with an old buddy; he’s letting him run Humboldt for him.”

Will isn’t closing shop here, and the Devil’s Gold isn’t shutting Nick down. Will is giving Humboldt to someone else. Alex’s phone buzzes before I can ask him who this partner is. “Speak of the devil,” he snorts. “Here’s Walker now.” Alex reads the text and closes his phone. “I gotta go, sunshine.” Alex puts his phone away and straightens his belt. “Sorry we couldn’t get to know each other better.” He steps towards the door, and I back away. “No need to be that way. I didn’t force my way in here. You invited me, remember?” He’s right, he didn’t do anything wrong. He isn’t the bad guy. I am.

Alex pauses at the door and places the bag of pills on my desk. “A goodbye gift.”

I hold my breath until I hear his car pull away, then I run downstairs and lock the door.

A few minutes later, Lucy pulls into the driveway.

I hide the pills and scramble to put my regular clothes back on, avoiding my reflection in the mirror. The shame of what I was about to do crushes me, and it takes every ounce of control I have not to cry. My bed is still covered in pictures and trinkets from my memory box. I shove the contents of my former life back into the box and close it.

“Hey Dani, you home?” Lucy calls from downstairs.

“Yeah, up here.” I listen to her clogs gallop up the stairs and try to gain my composure.

“Are you sitting down?” She peeks her head in, then bursts into the room. “I’m pregnant!”

I literally choke on the tears hidden in my throat. Lucy, pregnant? No way. “And this is a good thing?”

Her smile fades slightly as if my reaction wasn’t what she expected. But after years of hearing her swear she would never have children, I think my response is accurate.

“Yes, of course it is,” she says confidently. “I mean, I was shocked at first and in denial, but I mean, overall I’m thrilled. Johnson is beyond thrilled!”