I open my eyes and stare at her afraid she's going to shimmy away and disappear. It's her. My beautiful, sweet Selene. I run my hands through the soft blonde curls, and over the flawless creamy skin of her face making sure she's real. My trembling fingers comb through her hair, and I pull her to me. I need to hold her, feel her. I don't say anything. My throat burns, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to speak again.
"You're okay, Cooper." She kisses my forehead damp with sweat and holds me close. "It was just a dream."
Not a dream. A fucking nightmare.
I take her face between my shaking hands and hold her still, so I can look in her eyes and make sure they're bright and full of fire. She's nervous. Scared. So am I. I'm scared out of mind. Downright terrified.
"Selene," I whisper, my voice inaudible. "Don't leave me." I feel wetness on my cheek, and I know sometime while I was sleeping, or screaming, or finding solace in her arms, tears have escaped from my eyes. I'm such a pussy. I hate myself. Hate that I'm crying like a little fucking girl.
"I'm not going anywhere," she assures me, kissing the salty tears away as she straddles me. Having given into exhaustion earlier in the night, we fell asleep naked. This is all I need, the feel of her body against mine. Even under the stress of the nightmare, my body responds to her. I'm hard. I have no will, no ability to think or act right now. All I can do is lose myself in her blue eyes. Lose myself to the fact that she's alive and safe, and in my arms.
"It's okay, Cooper. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere," she says reaching down, using her hand first, to stroke me, and then to position me inside her. Once settled on top of me so that I'm deep within her, Selene's fingers twine in my hair, she's holding me and forcing me to look at her while she speaks and moves her hips.
"Feel me. I'm here. I'm with you. I'm all around you."
I wrap my arms around her tight and lean my head against her chest, not used to being so close, so intimate. I surrender to her completely while I do little more than listen to the cadence of her heartbeat, and cling to her as she moves in a smooth, easy rhythm. I'm completely still, except to tilt my head up and stare at her face every now and then. Each time I do, I find her looking back at me. Like she knows what's on my mind and in my heart. I just want to look in her eyes and hope that simple connection can express everything I wish I could say.
Within minutes, I'm composed. I didn't realize how desperately I needed to be inside her, how I needed to be one with her. Every touch is tender and passionate. She's expressing more than her physical needs and desires. She's expressing something much deeper, much more important. She not only understands what I need, she's giving it to me. Unselfishly. Asking for nothing in return.
In my head, I say the words over and over. I say what I'm feeling, what I'm sure she already knows. "I love you. I love you so much, Selene." But those words can't leave my mouth, no matter how bad I want them to. They stay trapped in my head, trapped in my throat. I can't get them past my lips. It's as if they're a vial of poison and saying them will shatter the container, and blast the poison not just through my heart, but through my mind and body as well. I keep trying, but I can't get any sound out of my mouth.
Once again it's like she knows what I'm thinking, as she stares lovingly into my eyes, her gaze never wavering. "It's okay, Cooper. I'm here." She says crushing her mouth on mine and containing my screams as I become a slave to my body and explode inside her.
Chapter 16
Make believe works on both ends. I can pretend she's fine, and now it's her turn to make believe I'm still the great guy she wants me to be. Selene doesn't ask me what happened. She doesn't look to digest my life and find the hidden meaning. She lays besides me and when my arms wrap around her and pull her against my chest, she snuggles up and holds my arms tight.
I should say something. I know I should, but I can't. What can I say? "Sorry I'm such a pussy, babe." No. If I have an iota of self-respect left I can't apologize. But I have to say something.
"Thank you," I whisper into her ear.
She lets out a long breath, and I feel her body relax even further and meld into mine. "Anytime."
Within minutes I feel the change in her breathing, and I know she's asleep. I close my eyes and recapture the look she had in her eyes when she was on top of me a few minutes ago. So sweet. So beautiful. I don't know how long it takes me to fall back asleep, but at some point I do, and I don't wake again until late in the morning.
We make small talk over breakfast. Selene doesn't ask what happened last night and keeps the conversation light and easy. She's amazing.
My feelings for her surprise me more with each passing day. I keep waiting for the moment I don't want to be with her, but it doesn't come. It's been months now, and no annoying habits have gotten under my skin. Nothing but her. I don't want to be without her. That must be the reason for the nightmares. I'm realizing just how deep inside me she is. And I'm afraid.
The train ride to Rome is much like breakfast. It's light and easy, but I feel the tension building between us. Maybe it's just my imagination? Perhaps I'm looking for something to go wrong, for this all to fall apart.
I try to bury the feeling rising in my chest, the feeling that at any minute the other shoe is going to drop, because Selene proved to me last night, and the way she's handling everything this morning, that I have nothing to worry about.
I contemplate telling her about Luna. If I do, maybe I'll find some peace. Maybe the dreams will stop, and then I can devote not just my body, but my soul to Selene as well. She deserves it far more than Luna ever did. The problem is Luna stole a piece of me. She took the best part of me and left with it, forever. I don't know how to get it back, but if I don't find a way to make amends with Luna, it's going to destroy Selene and me for certain.
*
The Trevi fountain truly is the most beautiful and detailed fountain I've ever seen. Pictures don't do it justice. We are just as awed by this breathtaking sight as we were standing in the courtyard at the Vatican and yesterday at St. Mark's Basilica. The tour is wrapping up and the guide gives us a coy smile.
"It is said if you stand with your back to the fountain and toss a coin in over your shoulder, you are assured a return visit to Rome."
"I've been told," a woman from the crowd calls out. "That if you do that, you are certain to find true love."
"I don't need to toss a coin in for that," Selene says in a soft voice.
"Oh yeah? Why's that?" I ask pulling her back against my chest and leaning my head on her shoulder.
"Because I already found my true love," she says turning in my arms to face me and clasping her hands behind my neck. "And he's standing right in front of me."
I bring my lips to hers, feeling as if I'm floating in the air. I never thought I'd hear those words. Not from anyone that wasn't family. I can't believe she just told me she loves me. And after the episode last night. I squeeze her tight, lifting her off her feet.
"I love you, too, Selene," I say burying my face in her hair. Whatever little bit of a heart I have, it belongs to you."
"You're too hard on yourself, Cooper. You have a giant heart full of love." She's beaming. Her eyes are locked on mine, and she's fucking glowing from the inside. For the first time I realize I must have something to offer her. I must be better than the piece of garbage my mother convinced me I am, or else Selene would never have fallen in love with me. And not just fallen in love, she said I'm her true love.