My mind is totally fucking blown. It doesn't happen often, but this place is beyond impressive. I've never been a history buff, never cared for sightseeing and all the bullshit that goes along with it, but everything here feels different. Magical. I want to immerse myself in all of it. I want to experience everything possible, and the fact that I'm doing this with Selene makes this the best trip of my life. It's a million times better than spending the week on the beach with Noah. I don't know if it's the enchantment of Italy, or if I've been in denial, but I realize all the fear, all the anxiety I've had since I met Selene is because I've been falling. I've been falling fast and hard since I saw her in that coffee shop, and now, doing all of this with her makes me never want to leave here. Or her.

She looks up at me with a soft smile. I don't miss how much better she seems today than yesterday. I'm shocked at how relieved I am. I really thought something was wrong. I shouldn't panic, shouldn't jump to the worst possible conclusion, but this whole relationship thing is uncomfortable for me, and all I have to work off of is my past with Luna. And that right there is reason to panic.

"What's wrong? You look lost in thought, and so sad," she says bringing her hand up to my cheek.

"Nothing." I smile down at her. "I'm just amazed at how lucky I am to be here with you."

Once our ride comes to an end and our feet are back on the ground, Selene pulls me by the hand with the excitement of a five year old. Her enthusiasm reminds me of my sister when she was a young girl and we'd go to the carnival. She'd pull my father off in one direction, but before she'd reach her destination, she'd let go of his hand and grab my mother's, heading to a totally different area. Selene made a list of the tourist sites she wants to hit. St. Mark's Basilica is top on the list, and our first stop.

Selene looks around, her mouth open wide in awe and wonder as we study the brilliance surrounding us: the mosaics, columns, and murals all made more spectacular by gold embellishment. Next we go for lunch before visiting the Doge's Palace. Once again we are taken back at the splendor of this ancient treasure trove. While we spend hours at each attraction, I feel it's cutting it short. I'm certain we could spend days in each, and still have more to see and learn in every nook and cranny.

In the early evening we, like most of the people around us, just walk around and take in all we can in the quaint town. I can see that Selene doesn't have the same bounding energy she had earlier in the day. She seems to lose more by the minute through dinner. The bags under her eyes are back, and her lids look so fucking heavy, I wish I could hold them open for her.

In an attempt to help her regain some of her vigor, I insist we stop off at a cafe and listen to the musicians entrance us with their music. I excuse myself to use the restroom. Selene's eyes are closed when I return. She's asleep. She actually fell the fuck asleep.

"Sorry I'm not better company," I say sliding into my seat across from her at the little cafe and rousing her from her nap.

"Huh?" She answers with a yawn. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."

"It's been a long a day," I answer feeling little beads of sweat form on the back of my neck. An internal war begins. Something is wrong. It's obvious. I should ask her what it is. But I'm not sure I really want to know, because once I do, I have to make a decision.

It doesn't matter what decision I make, I'll hate myself in the end. If she's sick, if there is some awful disease like cancer ravishing her body, making her weak and frail, I'll feel obligated to stay by her side. That would be the right thing, the good thing. But I rarely make those choices, and I can't be certain I won't bail instead.

What if I do stay and I resent her? I'll make her miserable, I'll hate her and eventually she'll hate me. What the fuck is the point of standing by her side if she's going to hate me in the end anyway? And what if I choose to run? What if I let my feet push me fast and furious, as far from her as they'll take me?

Memories of her will haunt me. The blue of her eyes, the silkiness of her touch, the feel of her lips on every part of my body. Thinking about never feeling her hands on my chest, or her mouth on my cock causes my mouth to go dry. It's not what I want. None of this is what I fucking want. I run a hand through my hair realizing I'm going to end up hating myself no matter what. No, if I hurt her the way I hurt Luna, I won't just hate myself, I won’t be able to live with myself.

In light of my choices, or lack of, I do the only thing I can. I dig a hole in the sand and bury my head in it. Denial has an appeal like nothing else in this world. It's warm and dark. There's no light forcing you to see the truth, and at the same time no monsters can exist here.

Life is in limbo; nothing to celebrate and no failures to face. It is an escape from the tediousness of daily life without doing the hard work that goes hand in hand with making a real change. Denial is a friend as it offers you all that you want when the rest of the world tries to show you otherwise.

If I stay in this land of denial, I'm promised fantasy. It allows me to remain insulated in the here and now without having to face my fears or make the tough decisions. Sure I can't move forward, but things will stay exactly as they are, as long as I pretend. I can make believe my life is moving in the direction I want. I can pretend I'm the man I want to be. I can pretend that nothing will pull Selene from my arms.

Looking at her I start digging my hole, convincing myself that I have an over active imagination and that she's fine. It's the only thing I can do. It's the only thing that makes sense. I keep the conversation light. I talk about what I liked best in each of the places we visited.

On the train ride back to the hotel, I fill my head with thoughts of Selene in Venice. I hoped to take her for another gondola ride beneath the stars. I didn't even suggest it for fear that she might have said she wasn't up to it, and I might have to deal with the fact that something is wrong with her.

By the time we get back to the hotel, all Selene wants to do is sleep. All I want to do is fuck. Pissed off and frustrated I step out onto the balcony. We did the couple thing, the tourist thing. Don't I deserve a little treat for putting up with that shit all day? At the very least I should've earned a world class blow job.

"Is everything okay, Coop? You seem very distracted," Selene asks as she joins me outside.

"All's good." I lie and flash a smile.

"Then why aren't you inside with me?" She asks wrapping her arms around my waist.

I look down at her with fire burning in my eyes. A fire that comes close to the fire I have burning in my pants. "You look tired."

"I am tired." My jaw tightens in response. "But that doesn't mean I don't want you next to me. She pulls my shirt out of my pants and runs her hands over my stomach, right up to my chest. "It doesn't mean I don't want you."

I stare at her. Every muscle in my body is tight with sexual tension. I'm a shit. I know she isn't up for this, and it pisses me off. I don't answer. I reach my hands under her hair and massage the base of her neck. Her head rolls back and her eyes close.

Selene slides her hands down to the fly of my jeans. She opens them quickly and pulls them and my boxers down low enough to release me, right there in the open. The last thing I want right now is for her to start something she has no intention of finishing. That won't go over well for either of us.

"You don't have to," I say, not quite sure why. She's willing, and I want her to. Boy do I want her to. She has a tight grip on my cock, and the only thing I want right now is for her to get me off.