The terrifying part is that I’m not even scared to tell him. If I open up to him, I’m giving him the power to break me. The same thing I did years ago with Jax. The warning bells were ringing loud and clear then. Now? It’s silent, it’s time to let someone else know me. It’s time to move on.

“I stopped because it didn’t make me happy anymore. Every time I looked at the water I was miserable. I couldn’t escape off the pool deck quick enough. One night I attempted to . . .” I shake my head. “I was never able to go back in after I tried to kill myself, until recently.”

Silence.

Nervously, I begin digging my fingernails into my palm. This is it. This is when he runs away from me. This is the moment he realizes I’m too damaged. I’m not the person he thinks I am. He surprises me by reaching across the table and taking my hand. I’m relieved he doesn’t ask why I thought suicide was my only answer. He knows something terrible happened and he’s letting me go at my own pace. That simple act makes it easier to open up to him.

“What made you not . . . never mind, sorry, I don’t want to push you to tell me anything.”

“It’s okay. I want to tell you.” I glance around and realize that we’re not in our own little world. “Just not here. Do you want to come over for the night?” I ask.

Kohen nods while signaling for the check. I rest my head on his shoulder when we sit in the cab. It’s a peaceful silence, neither of us needing to speak.

Kohen gives me a chaste kiss on the lips in the elevator, promising to see me soon. He’s going to his place to get something to sleep in. I quickly change into a pair of cotton shorts and snatch an over-sized shirt. It’s actually mine and not one of the guys’. I didn’t want to chance thinking about Jax because of a stupid old shirt. Which reminds me, I need to toss those out. I can’t have them in my place anymore.

I’ll do that tomorrow. Tonight it’s all about moving forward with Kohen. Every step closer to him pulls me away from Jax. Which is what I need. I just wish my stupid shattered heart would stop holding out hope for Jax. I’m constantly at war with myself; my mind knows Kohen is the perfect guy to move on with, my heart isn’t so sure. As much as I try to deny it, I still have hope for Jax. Even though it’s just a sliver, it’s enough to drive me crazy.

Knock. Knock, I hear at the same time the front door opens.

Weird, I thought I locked that. This whole Jax thing is messing with my mind more than I even realized. I release my lower lip from my teeth. “Hey.”

I have no idea why I’m so nervous. This is Kohen. But for some unknown reason, this feels wrong. He shouldn’t be here in my space, instead someone with tattoos should.

I need to try that much harder to open up to Kohen. Yeah, that’s what it is. I let Jax in, I let him be here for me. I gave him the chance to see me, to break me. He took it. Now, I need to give Kohen a chance to know me. Hopefully I’ll be enough for him and he’ll still be here after seeing me for me. Only one way to find out.

“Hello,” Kohen says, relaxed, in his element at my place.

He moves toward my couch, but I stop him. “How about we hang out on the balcony for a little bit?”

“Sounds perfect.”

I walk across the living room toward the balcony. I pause when I get to the doors and notice that Kohen isn’t behind me. I’m about to call out to him, but he returns with one of my throw blankets that I keep in a closet.

“Don’t want you getting cold.”

I manage to smile at his thoughtfulness. It’s refreshing to have someone want to take care of you instead of always relying on yourself.

Kohen lays down in a lounge chair and beckons for me to sit in-between his legs. I can’t help but compare how my body reacts differently to him than Jax. I force myself to relax into him and ignore that it’s not Jax’s chest I’m laying against.

Kohen waits for me to gather my thoughts while he rubs my arms. I let the words flow out, not caring if it makes any sense. Just wanting to tell him about myself. Having him behind me, makes it easier for the words to spill out of my mouth.

“I used to be a different person. You wouldn’t recognize me six years ago. I was this bubbly person that smiled all the time. My life wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty darn close. I had the most amazing parents in the world, not a day went by that I wasn’t reminded how much they loved me and how proud they were of me. Our little sister was different from us. She thought dirt under her nails was the worst thing that could ever happen. She was artsy, always dressing up. Even though Logan and I would tease her, she looked up us. I’m pretty sure she thought we could walk on water. We could do no wrong in her eyes.”

I remind myself to relax my fist. I know that I will dig my nails into my palms to the point where I draw blood if I don’t. Which is not what I need right now. I’m not numb, I don’t need to harm myself to feel something. That’s not what this is about. I force myself to continue. I can open up to somebody and not have my world crumble. I want that person to be Kohen. I trust him.

“I had goals. Goals that I did everything in my power to achieve. There was nothing more important to me than succeeding. I pushed myself harder each time I got into the water. Swimming consumed my life. My entire world was centered around swimming, until it wasn’t.”

His hold on me becomes stronger, unbreakable. I love the strength in his arms. Kohen is letting me know he’s here without words. I love that he is so patient with me. Not asking the questions that I know he wants answered. He is letting me take my time, share what I’m willing to share. I turn my head slightly so that I can kiss his forearm.

“I wasn’t able to get back into the water for six years. I was afraid of not feeling the same. I was afraid of the memories. Mostly, I was afraid of being happy. I didn’t think I deserved being happy. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay to be happy.” I say the last sentence so quietly I doubt he hears me.

“I promise to help you remember if you ever forget, Adalynn.”

I snuggle into him closer. I’m glad that I’m confiding in him. It’s not as hard as I thought it would be. I want to be done and just go to sleep in his arms, but I know I need to say one more thing.

“My parents and sister are . . . they’re . . .” I struggle for the words.

Even though I know that they’re dead and aren’t coming back, it’s hard to form the words out loud. My throat tightens.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell anything you don’t want to. Just know whenever you’re ready, I’m here. Nothing can ever keep me away from you.”

Those are the words I needed to hear. All doubts of not being enough for him evaporate.

“My parents and sister died six years ago. I was with them when it happened.”

I don’t elaborate and Kohen doesn’t make me. He drags me closer to him as if he’s afraid I will run away from him and shut him out. I try to say more, but nothing comes out. I’m not ready to tell him everything yet. Just being able to say this much to him is a huge accomplishment.

We head to my room holding hands. It’s surprisingly refreshing to share with someone that doesn’t know me or my past. I was afraid opening up to him would push him away. I’m glad that I was wrong. He needs to know me, to really want to be with me. I can’t pretend anymore, not with him.

His arms wrap around me as he spoons me from behind. This as as close to content that I’ve felt since Jax told me I wasn’t enough. Whenever I was with Jax, I always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that it will never last. I never feel like that with Kohen. He always does everything in his power to show me how much he wants me. He is the exact opposite from Jax.

He’s the light and Jax is the darkness.

I’m done with the darkness.