I wait for him to say more, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t glance up from the ground as I move towards the elevator. When I reach it, I pause. I have to say more, I can’t leave like this.

“If you do this, I won’t come back. This will be it. I won’t keep playing this game with you, Jax. If you let me walk out, I’ll be walking out of your life. I can’t be in your life knowing that we love each other and you won’t do anything about it. I need time to myself to get over you. I need to move on.”

His head snaps up and I think he’s going to say something, but he doesn’t. After a lifetime, he nods. I laugh. A dry lifeless laugh. After everything, this is how it ends? With a nod. Wow. I deserve more than that, I deserve more than Jax can ever give me.

“I was wrong, you don’t love me. If you loved me like I love you, you would do everything in you power to keep me, but you’re letting me walk out of here. That isn’t love, Jax.”

I storm out of Jax’s place and out of his life without another word. Jax shattered my heart back there and didn’t care. He didn’t care enough to talk to me, he didn’t care enough to stick around. I can’t feel anything, I’m numb.

I know I should be huddled in a ball, crying hysterically. Instead I wait in the elevator, perfectly calm. Too calm. I’m not enough for him. How could I be? I’m broken. Broken to the point that I can’t even feel anything when Jax turns my world upside down. The sweet little words we said to each other don’t mean anything. I gave him all of me, but it wasn’t enough. I should have known, this is Jaxon Chandler, of course I wasn’t enough for him to take a risk on.

I decide to walk home. I wish I was in workout clothes so I could push myself and run the entire way. Nothing catches my eye, the entire trip home blurs. Everyone is on their way somewhere. To loved ones, I imagine. A city of millions and I’m alone. I did this, I isolated myself from the world.

After another block, I realize it’s okay that I’m broken and not perfect. I’m not enough for Jax, but maybe I’ll be enough for somebody else. That realization makes me stumble into the street. Luckily I catch myself.

I haven’t been the person who envisions the future. I used to be, but six years ago I thought my future was taken from me. I was dead to the world. Now that I’ve broken through the surface and I’m finally learning how to breathe again, I had a pretty clear image of how my future would be. Jax. He is the only thing I planned on. Even with all the back and forth, I truly hoped we would have a future together.

Imagining my future with anyone else isn’t possible. I’ve been drowning for so long. Jax has always been a constant in my life. I can’t even imagine someone else in his place. Not even Kohen. That’s what scares me.

I don’t want to drown.

I don’t want to rely on anyone else to save me.

I’m not enough. I’m not enough for Jax. I’ve lost him. Even though I repeat those words over and over again, they doesn’t stick. It’s like I can’t really believe it, but at the same time I do.

By the time I reach my apartment complex, I’m dripping in sweat and I need to shower. Still I can’t help changing into workout clothes to go run. I should feel something by now, my muscles should protest, but I can’t even feel a slight burn. I’m numb.

Making my way to Central Park, I put Alive by Zedd on repeat. The fallen leaves crunch under my feet. I lose myself in his music and run. An hour later I’m barely able to stagger into my apartment. I’m still numb. I know my body is on fire from being pushed too hard, I just can’t feel it. The worst is knowing I’m empty inside. I’m drowning again and I don’t know if I’ll ever reach the surface.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Three days.

Three days of being numb.

Three days of going through the motions.

Three days is all it takes for me to realize that I need to stop acting. I’m not that person anymore. I’ve hung out with Harper during lunch, been texting Kohen, and I even had dinner last night with my brother, but it wasn’t really me. The last three days I’ve been a ghost, a shell of a person.

Now I’m feeling everything.

I force myself to keep busy so that I can stop thinking about Jax. Work, excessively baking, and exercising are the only things that make the pain of losing him manageable. If I stop, I hear him telling me he loves me, I feel his hands caressing me, I can taste him. When I remember him, remember us, it takes everything in me to keep breathing, to pretend that everything is normal.

Now I’m choosing to forget him, to forget us.

I’m moving on.

I’m moving on to dinner with Kohen at eight. I glance at the clock to make sure I still have plenty of time. Crap! Five minutes. I’m not even close to ready. Time slips away from me lately.

I race to the bathroom to apply mascara and lipstick. I pin my hair back while I walk to my closet. After slipping into jeans, I opt for the first shirt I see. Black. To match my heart. I snatch a pair of my favorite Betsey Johnson booties when I hear a knock.

“Just a sec,” I yell loudly enough for Kohen to hear me.

Clutching my purse, I saunter over to the floor length mirror. I look decent for only having five minutes to get ready. My cheeks are a little red from running around. I’m surprised how put together I appear. When I reach the door, I pause. I’ll have to act like everything is fine. I can’t let Kohen know I’m dying inside because of another man. I give myself a little pep talk before unlocking the door. I beam at Kohen. He’s in a simple pair of jeans and a blue dress shirt.

“Hi!” I say too cheerfully.

“You take my breath away,” he says in return.

I chew on my lip. I can’t help but compare him to Jax. Which of course is unfair. I can’t compare the two. They are two different people, of course they are going to have differences.

“Thanks. You’re not hard to look at, either.”

“These are for you.” He extends a beautiful arrangement of blood red tulips.

Telling him thank you, I set them on the table. I love that he has them in a vase. He’s always thinking about me, always wanting to make things easier.

I link my arm through his and follow him to the elevator. As the elevator descends, I realize that I’ve been going about the Jax situation all wrong. I shouldn’t be hiding, I shouldn’t be hurt. He didn’t do anything that I hadn’t expected. I’ve always known he wasn’t the man that I would marry. I hoped he would change that, but deep down I knew it would never happen.

Kohen squeezes my hand. I force my frown to disappear. He’s not Jax, he’s better. He isn’t pushing me away. He wants me. I need to open up to him on our date tonight. He deserves to get to know me.

Conversation flows easily with Kohen. The only thing that I would change about our date would be the place. I hate going to fancy places that serve the smallest portions and it costs five times more. I’m happy with a burger and fries. Finger food and cold beer. Can’t get better than that.

Somehow swimming gets thrown into the conversation. I’m surprised when he tells me he used to swim in high school.

“No way! I was a swimmer too!”

“I know.” He flashes me his dimples.

We talk back and forth of the pros and cons of competitive swimming. The cons is an awfully short list. Early morning practice. I’m surprised that Kohen is just as passionate about swimming as I am. I love sharing this part of myself with him. Another thing in common.

“You were very talented. Why did you stop?” Kohen asks.

I start to recite the usual speech, but pause. I don’t need to give him some fake BS just to make it easier for me. I need to tell him the truth, which will lead to the next series of questions.