Me: Where are you?

I set my phone down and wait. Then I wait some more. Another five minutes and no response. My temper spirals out of control. I’m pacing as I type the next message.

Me: Seriously, where are you?

Me: FYI, you shouldn’t ignore someone you just confessed your love to.

I know I shouldn’t worry, but something is wrong. I can feel it. Jax changed his mind. There’s no other explanation of why he’s not here and ignoring me. Not after last night. As much as I tell myself that he could be stuck in traffic or worse, hurt, I know that’s not the case. He’s not here because he doesn’t want to be here.

He doesn’t love me.

It was all words.

I won’t be weak anymore, I won’t be sad. I will be strong and I will get to the bottom of this. I can’t believe he just fucking left without a word. If he wants to end this, then he can be a man and say it to my face. I won’t let him walk all over me and ignore me.

The cab ride over to Jax’s place is the longest and fastest drive of my life. The longest because I thought I would never arrive and the fastest because when I was getting out it felt like I just sat down. I know when I walk in there, this will be the end. Jax will end this before it even gets started. Again. I don’t know how I’m able to make it up to his place, but somehow I do. I’m in the elevator. Once I go in there, he will shatter my heart all over again. Only this time he can’t fix it with meaningless words.

Please, please don’t be here. Don’t open the door. Don’t end this. I chant in my head as the doors slide open into his foyer.

When I hear his footsteps, I will myself to stand straight. I won’t let him know that he’s breaking me. The little sliver of hope that I was hanging onto, the “I’m just paranoid” and Jax just “got busy with work” or something, dies the second I spot him.

This is over.

He doesn’t love me.

“Ads,” Jax says my name painfully, as if just saying my name hurts him as much as seeing me.

“I just . . . I . . . ” Be strong, don’t let him see you break. “I just wanted you tell me to my face that we’re over, that you don’t love me.”

I’m pretty impressed with myself that my voice doesn’t falter, especially at the end. He will never know how much he’s killing me. Before Jax has time to say anything else, I push past him and march into his living room. Bad idea. Even the air smells like him. I feel trapped in his place; no matter how far apart I am from Jax, I’m fully aware of him.

“Let me explain,” he finally says.

“You’re going to explain how you told me ‘you love me, that I’m yours and you’re mine’ and how it was all lies? Or were you going to explain how you fucked me last night and now you’re trying to get rid of me? Please explain, Jax, I’m dying to hear it.”

Jax doesn’t say anything. He won’t even look at me. He won’t deny anything. So I was right. Being right isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. More silence. Fine, he wants to play the quiet game. Good. I won’t make this easy.

“Come on, Jax. I know you have a speech prepared. You are always thinking ahead so I know you have something planned. Did I fuck up your plan by showing up here and demanding answers? How can you leave without saying anything? After everything, this is how it ends?”

Each time I speak his body tenses; he acts as if my voice pains him.

“Answer me, you fucking asshole! You were the one that came to me! I was letting you go! Why did you even bother coming back?” I scream.

Silence.

I need to try and stay calm. Yelling won’t get me anywhere. I glance around, trying to come up with something to say, when my eyes spot a picture on the couch. It’s a picture of us taken two years ago at the beach. Logan made me go with them to Miami for a week. Jax forced me out of my lounge chair and into the water with him. I didn’t even know somebody took our picture, splashing each other. I study the picture again, and that’s when I see it.

“You do love me,” I say, my gaze glued to the picture.

“N—”

“Don’t lie to me. I know you love me. This isn’t one-sided. You felt everything I felt last night!”

More silence.

“Just be honest with me for once in your life!” I stab him in the chest with my finger. “You love me,” I repeat.

“Yes.”

“But not enough to be with me.”

He nods. The pain in his eyes makes me step back. I have no idea what to do. Jax loves me, I know he does. He won’t do this, though. Nothing I say or do will convince him to give us a shot. He’s given up and I don’t know why. It doesn’t make the pain any easier.

“Let me in, Jax, don’t do this to us. I love you. We can work it out.”

“There’s nothing to work out, Ads. I love you, but this will never work.”

All air leaves my lungs.

“Wh-why?” I stutter.

“Because I love you and want the best for you. I’m not the best. I will bring you down.”

“You’re not making any sense, Jax! I love you and you’re what’s best for me. You make me happy.”

Jax takes a step away from me. That one step feels like a hundred.

“I wish that was true, but we both know it isn’t. I’m not worthy of your love. I’ll only bring you down! You were gone, Ads. This entire time you left! And you finally are coming back to us, but it’s not because of me. It’s because of him.

“He makes you happy. He’s the one that has brought you back from the dead. I wish it was me, I wish I was enough for you, but I know I will never be enough. You deserve so much more than I can give you.”

He utters “him” and “he” as if he can barely manage to speak the words. I wonder what he’ll sound like if he actually says Kohen’s name. I tell myself not to argue because he’s right, he doesn’t deserve me, but I can’t. I have to try, he’s the love of my life. I can’t let him go without a fight. I just wish he could do the same thing.

“I want you! I want to be with you. You make me happy, nobody else can make me as happy as you do. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

Even after saying that, I know I’m speaking to myself. Jax doesn’t hear me. He’s made up his mind, and nothing will change it. We really are over.

“I’m sorry, Ads, I just can’t. I love you, but I have to do what’s best for you.” Jax speaks as if this it is. This is the end.

“Shouldn’t it be my decision? Shouldn’t I get a say in ‘who’s good enough for me?’ I’m a big girl, I know what I can handle. Can’t you let me make this decision for myself?”

“You’ll make the wrong choice. I won’t let that happen.”

“It’s my choice to make!” I yell.

I’m pissed. I’m pissed that I didn’t get a choice on who the paramedics rescued first. I don’t get a choice now. Jax is making the choice without me. Like the paramedics did all those years ago.

“We’re over?” I ask even though I know the answer.

“We never even began. I want you to be happy. I can’t bring you down with me.”

Screw this distance! I march up to him and embrace him as tight as I can. It takes a few seconds before Jax responds, hugging me back just as fiercely.

“You won’t even listen to me, Jax! I love you. I’m living again because of me! I want to be happy again and you make me happy. Why can’t you let me decide what I can and can’t handle? I won’t go back to that dark place, I can’t. I won’t survive it. I want to be with only you.”

“We can’t do this anymore, Adalynn.” Jax presses a kiss to my head and walks away from me.

“Then why did you come over last night? I was letting you go!”

He studies the floor as if it is the most interesting thing in the world. Everything he’s ever said to me is a lie. He may love me, but it isn’t enough for him.

“Why did you make me love you all those years ago?”

Silence.

“I love you and you love me, isn’t that enough?” I ask.

“It’s not enough.” Jax says regrettably.