The last vestige of me disappeared and I felt the deep, dark past surge over me, taking me to a place I hadn’t visited in a long time. A horrible state of mind I’d hoped never to revisit, but the loss of the single thing that matter to me, broke me. My carefully constructed world of control collapsed under the strain of my splintered heart.

I was no longer the man I strove and struggled to be, but the broken, abused child I’d grown up as. My knees gave way as I collapsed to the floor, gasping for breath. Feelings I’d banished surged forward to engulf me.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was driving at a high rate of speed. Swerving my car through the other meaningless beings going about their boring lives, I had only one place I needed to be. The only place that would help me find some peace of mind. I didn’t want to go there, but I couldn’t stop myself.

My mind screamed for me for me to turn around and chase Alix, but the meager pieces I could pull together knew I had nothing to offer her. She didn’t want the chaos that I was. She deserved a man who was better put together, one who could give himself freely. Someone I’d never be. My youth had been too horrible to leave me whole. I’d given her every part of me that I could, every part of me that deserved to be shared with the world, but it had gone horribly wrong somewhere.

I couldn’t think of the dominant I’d become to control the world.  Couldn’t think of the multi-degreed professional. No, seeing the love of my life run from me like I was the scum of the earth made me feel like I was back to the child who deserved every punishment he received because he couldn’t do good enough.

Pulling into the parking lot of Scene, I shrugged out of my coat and removed my cufflinks before exiting my car. I wasn’t there to play Dom. I was there for something I hadn’t sought in years.

Punishment.

Alix’s rejection was a punishment in one form but I was looking for another type that I couldn’t get anywhere else.

When I walked in, I handed over my wallet and keys and requested a Dom. The woman behind the counter flushed, but nodded, handing me a pair of leather cuffs to put around my wrists to let everyone know that I was a submissive seeking a dominant.

Once I entered the playroom, it didn’t take long for me to start getting offers. Before I could accept any of them, though, I was interrupted by my friend, the owner of Scene, Gabe.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he barked at me, crossing his arms over his wide chest.

“I don’t know what you mean, sir.” I dropped to my knees and bowed my head.

His fingers slipped into my short hair, but somehow managed to grip it tightly enough to jerk my head back so I looked at him.

“You are a Dom, not a sub. What kind of game are you playing here?” Gabe growled fiercely at me, lowering his face toward mine.

“No, sir. I am here as a submissive looking for a dominant tonight,” I breathed, arching into the burn sparking in my scalp as he pulled harder. I didn’t expect him to remember my past, as I was hesitant to share it with anyone. However, I had told him years ago every detail of my past while he whipped me; even then he didn’t believe I had the capability to be a submissive, but I’d shown him I did that night.

“What the fuck, John? Snap out of this shit. You haven’t needed the whip in years, why now? Talk to me,” he pleaded, releasing my hair to rub both hands over his face.

“NO,” I yelled loudly, drawing the attention of those around me. “I don’t wish to speak of it. I need to forget, sir.”

Gabe let out a heavy sigh and nodded. He knew he wasn’t going to talk me out of it.

“I’ll let Munch know.” Gabe strode out of the room. Munch wasn’t the man’s real name, it was his Dom name. He was a sadist and he very much so enjoyed doling out as much pain as a submissive could take.

“Well, well. Look at the little bitch who needs a few licks of my whip.” I knew it was Munch from the previous encounters we’d had. “Get to my cross now, you worthless piece of shit.”

Finally I felt peace settle over my mind as I fully handed over my control to him. I didn’t have to think, I simply had to act, to do as instructed. Munch knew my submissive needed the humiliation to feel complete. I couldn’t completely submit until I was made to feel as low as possible.

Scrambling to my feet, I moved toward the cross until I felt a heavy boot kick out my knee, making me fall to all fours.

“Did I say you could walk? Do you think you are worthy of being at my height? No, you aren’t, you lazy son of a bitch.” Munch followed as I crawled to the stage that was specifically his.

I could feel eyes on me, people watching me. I closed my eyes, letting the shame sink in.

Once I reached the stage, I clambered onto it and waited to be told I could stand. Munch grabbed an ear and yanked me to my feet while a groan slipped from my lips.

“On the cross now, boy.” Munch released me and pain radiated through the side of my face from where he’d tugged. I positioned myself with arms and legs spread wide so he could shackle me to the heavy, wooden cross.

Stepping back, he held a knife in my face, dragging it along my cheek.

“Don’t move or I’ll be forced to show you how sharp this is.” He moved the knife to the collar of my shirt and made quick work of slicing through it, then each of my sleeves. It fell to the ground in a heap of scraps. Using the sharp point, he trailed it over my skin to randomly push it into me, but not enough to draw blood. “Think that since you are grown now you’re some bad shit, don’t you?”

“No, sir,” I murmured and gasped when he pushed harder against me.

“Worked out to get all this muscle. Did you think that would make you stronger than me?” Munch moved the knife to my neck.

“No, sir. Never, sir.” I shivered against the cold metal that could easily end my life at that moment.

“That’s right. You’ll always be my little bitch. I’ll always own you.” Munch knew my history, knew exactly the buttons to push that would drag my mind to the darkest of places. It was why I needed to be punished, to submit, to have my control taken away. There was only one way I knew how to handle extreme emotions, and that was to have them tamed for me by the slash of a whip and the fear of a knife.

Removing the knife from my neck, I felt the absence of his heat as he stepped away. A loud thud on the floor made my muscles tense. I knew what was coming and it was impossible to relax.

There was a slight whir and swish as the air moved before the loud crack as leather met skin. The tip of the whip slapped harshly against my back and I arched from the pain that shot through me.

“Mmm, it’s been awhile since this lily-white skin has been touched by the kiss of a whip.” Munch laughed a deep, nasty laugh. “That all changes now.”

Another lashing, and I cried out from it. My back was on fire, my knees wanted to give out, but there would be no escaping. I was trussed up to the cross, forced to deal with my demons as they raged in my mind. My father, my mother… Alix. Old demons warred with new ones and were more painful than the whip would ever be.

My mind was shattered, a mess of emotions and thoughts.

I lost count of how many times the whip licked across my skin, but eventually my mind calmed, everything fled, replaced by pain. The world slowed and clouded to a place where nothing mattered.

Munch was pressing against my back, against the welts and bruises he’d caused.

“Come on, boy, time to get off the cross.” He released the bindings and wrapped an arm around my shoulders as I stumbled off the stage.

Sitting on a couch, he pulled me next to him.

“Over my lap so I can put salve on you, boy.” Munch pulled on my shoulder until I lay over his lap. I could feel his erection press against my hip and whimpered. He brought his palm down on my ass. “Stop moving and making noises or I’ll take your ass right here, boy.”