I was broken.

My old, comforting habits came back. I found myself escaping more than four times a day to the bathroom while at work to masturbate. I couldn’t do it in my office as my appointments were too closely booked. There was no pleasure from it, but I found it helped bring a tiny bit of my old self back. Memories of doing the same thing for many years brought me comfort that I was still me. I was still okay in some small corner of my brain.

I didn’t think about John during those times; I knew he’d be mad at me if he knew, but I was mad at him so all it ended up doing was making me twist and pinch myself painfully, making it harder to get off on the next trip I made to the bathroom.

I made it over a week back at work before I spotted him. Since he’d tailored his hours to mine when we were together I knew when he’d be coming or going and made sure to be out of sight at those times.  I had appointments well into the night as I tried to play catch-up, and one night when I was cleaning up to leave, it was after ten when I looked up and spotted him.

He hadn’t seen me and I ducked behind my desk. As usual, he was dressed impeccably in a suit and an all-knowing smile that made every woman drool over him. Every woman but me. It tore my heart out to see he looked as good as he had the day I’d left.

Once I was sure he was gone, I collapsed into my chair and fought to hold back the tears that threatened for the first time in weeks. I hadn’t cried for him. I refused to. Too many times I had let tears fall for myself. Obviously even after months of my full dedication to him, I wasn’t enough, and that’s all I had to offer him. Tears would do nothing to change it.

Grabbing my purse, I locked my office and walked through the lobby. Jennifer waved me over.

“Alix, you need a night out. Let’s go get wasted and relax some. Come on, it’ll be a good time. You need a good time,” she pleaded with me. She’d been begging me to tell her what was going on. She’d deduced that whatever had been between John and I had ended, but hadn’t pushed for details. She really was becoming a friend and showing me she wanted to be there for me.

“I don’t know,” I sighed. I was exhausted, but I was constantly that way since I couldn’t sleep.

“It’ll help you feel human again, I promise. We’ll leave when you want to leave. Just get out of your house and office for a few hours.” She clasped her hands together and pushed out her bottom lip in a pout.

“Okay, as long as we leave when I say I want to leave.” I gave in as a loud, annoying burst of feminine laughter filled the lobby. The sound was familiar and made my blood freeze. Turning on my heel, I spotted Mariah. She was dazzling as usual. Her hair sparkled in the lights as she moved, her makeup looking spotless as her tight dress hugged every curve of her perfect body that was elongated by spiked heels. She held a phone to her ear as she moved through the open room.

“I can’t wait, sir. I’m on my way up to you. I don’t need dinner, I need you after the long day we had.” She paused as if listening to something on the other end of the line. “Absolutely, sir. I want to be so sore I can’t sit down tomorrow without remembering having you over me. It’ll keep my panties wet and praying you’ll ask me to come into your office for a session of our own.”

I closed my eyes as she moved far enough away I couldn’t hear her as she waited for the elevator.

“Yeah, I think I need a drink,” I told Jennifer, who gave me a sad smile as she collected her things.

We went to her house, where I refused to change into one of her ridiculous outfits. Instead, I shed my jacket, figuring the tank top I had on underneath would work fine. It was a bit see-through, but I wore a bra so there wasn’t much to show. After trading out my skirt for a pair of her jeans, I deemed myself ready. My hair was pulled up into a tight bun since I refused to wear it down. Anything that would normally please John, I did the opposite. I didn’t want to attract him; I didn’t even want to think about him.

Jennifer pulled on a skimpy skirt that showed off her body before fluffing her hair. She took me to a bar that wasn’t far. I’d never been there, but I hadn’t been in ninety percent of the local bars. Once we made it through the crowd, we both sat on stools along the bar top.

As usual, Jennifer held the conversation through our first two drinks. The woman could talk, and talk she did. I was thankful she wasn’t relying upon me to really answer or interact to keep up the flow of chatter since my head was a mess. After our first two drinks, though, I felt everything loosening and relaxing for the first time in weeks. Halfway through our third drink, I found myself talking about John.

“I miss him,” I slurred slightly before taking another pull off my drink.

“Go get your man then.” Jennifer acted as if it was so simple.

“I can’t. I’m pretty sure he’s fucking his secretary and I’m nothing compared to her.” I leaned my elbows on the table as I shook my head.

“I don’t even need to see her to know you’re better than her.” Jennifer looked me up and down even though she couldn’t see my lower half, which was hidden by the table. “You just don’t see how amazing you are.”

“Wait until you see her. You’ll see what I’m talking about. Plus, I don’t need a man who cheats. Even if she is better looking than me, he should have the balls to break up with me first.” I glared at my drink, seeing his face in it. I slammed back what was left in the glass so I didn’t have to see it anymore.

“You’re right there, girl. No woman should have to put up with a cheater.” She waved her arm for another round.

We had moved away from the bar to a small table so our conversation wouldn’t be heard by everyone.

“Since you’re over, you have to tell me… Is he packing heat? Or is it all for show?” Her glossy eyes dilated. I could tell she was thinking about all the naughty things she wanted to do to him between the sheets. Jealousy flared inside me, but I shoved it back since I no longer had any rights to him.

“Yeah, he’s got it all and then some,” I sighed, feeling the need to give her some juicy details even though it tugged at my heart to talk about how amazing he fucked. He was likely bending his little secretary over and doing all the things he used to do to me to her. “He’s good in every way.”

“Aw, it was supposed to be a joke, not make you feel worse. Sorry, I’m not good at break-up chat.” Jennifer’s grin was replaced by a frown, making her look awkward. Frowning wasn’t something she did often, while I’d mastered the face. “Let’s drink until you forget who he even is.”

And we did. Almost. I don’t think I could physically drink enough to forget the man who owned my heart, not and still be breathing anyway. Somehow I made it back to my place. The last part of the night was scattered bits and pieces as the alcohol took over, robbing me of the memories.

I had to work the next day so going out and getting so completely blitzed probably wasn’t the best idea. Sitting on my couch nursing a water to hopefully ward off a hangover in the morning, I stared at my computer. I really needed someone to talk to. I had no one I could really tell everything to. Jennifer would likely understand, but then she’d admitted to not being good with men and the complications that came with them since she didn’t hang around long enough for them to arise.

Finally I blew out a long breath and pulled up the online counseling site. It had been a long time since I’d used it, since I’d felt like I had a good handle on life, but everything was crashing down and it was the one place I could go to not be judged while being completely open.

Counselor21: Good evening. Or should I say morning? How have you been?

BadKitty2: Not so well.

Counselor21: What changed? You were gone for a while, so I assume everything was good then.