Beep. Breathe.

Beep. Breathe.

Beep. Breathe.

I take my trembling hand and raise it to touch his cheek. His face is so swollen; I can’t make out his features. There’s no resemblance to the man I know. My eyes move to where his head is wrapped in a bandage that covers every lock of beautiful brown curly hair.

I physically don’t have any more strength. I lay my head down on his chest. I grab his hand and let my fingers intertwine with his.

“Derek, where are you? Open your eyes for me. I want to see your beautiful brown eyes. Please open them, baby.” I will myself to raise my head to once again look at his face. I place my chin on his chest because my head just seems too heavy right now. I focus on his mouth and raise my hand to run my fingers over the cuts on his lips. I can’t help but think of his beautiful smile. The dimples that fill his cheeks when he laughs. Tears pour out of my eyes, soaking his hospital gown.

“I need you. Your babies need you, Derek. You have to fight to stay alive for us. Please don’t stop fighting for your life. I know you can hear me. I love you, you’re my life baby. You’re our rock. Our strength. Our protector. I can’t do this without you. Please…please….please…” I keep repeating it, hoping he hears me.

After a while, I feel Harlow’s hand on my back. “Alex, there’s an officer here that wants to speak with you,” she says quietly.

Sniffling, I raise my head from Derek’s chest and mop the tears from my face and neck. I nod my head at her. “Okay.”

With a lingering look at Derek and a light touch to his cheek, I turn to follow Harlow out of the room. Outside, I see who I presume is Officer Sanchez standing in the hall. He gives me a sympathetic smile…the same exact smile that I would come to absolutely detest over the next few years of my life.

“Good morning, Mrs. Meyer. I’m Officer Sanchez. I believe we spoke earlier on the phone. I’m glad you made it down here safely”.

“Yes, sir,” is all I can manage. I feel my brain slowly starting to shut down.

Taking a deep breath, Officer Sanchez places his hand on my shoulder.

“Well, ma’am, we suspect that he fell asleep at the wheel while driving on the interstate. We were called to respond sometime around 7:30 AM. We found the car right on the outskirts of Round Rock and immediately had him airlifted to Round Rock Medical. There’s not much that we can tell you at this time. What we do know is that his car was hit several times before ending up on the side of the interstate. It took us a while to get him out, but when we did, he was immediately put en route to the hospital,” he says nervously. “I’m sorry there wasn’t more we could do for him on the scene.”

I start to replay the previous night’s events in my head. Derek coming to bed late. Him kissing the back of my neck. Turning to look at the clock. 3:17 AM. Making love. Waking up. Finding him gone. The unmistakable scent of sandalwood lingering on his still warm pillow.

I turn to Harlow. We were joking about our “late night” right before the phone call from Officer Sanchez.

“Oh my God. We were up too late last night,” I say through the tears. “It’s my fault. If I would have told him no–”

“No you don’t, Alex,” Harlow says through her teeth, shaking her head. “You’re not going to take the blame for this. This is not your fault. It was an accident. Accidents happen. There’s no one at fault here, sweetie, especially you.”

Turning to Officer Sanchez, Harlow asks, “Is there anything you need from us? My friend really needs to be with her husband right now.”

Sanchez shakes his head. “No ma’am. There may be some information we need to get later, but nothing that can’t wait.” He turns and looks at me, sad expression filling his eyes. “Ma’am, I’m truly sorry. I really hope that he pulls through.”

And with that, Officer Sanchez turns and walks down the corridor.

I start to walk into the room when Harlow grabs my arm and turns me to face her.

“This is not your fault. You DO NOT walk in that room believing that, Alex. You get in there and you fight for your husband. Blaming yourself will do absolutely no good right now. No wasted energy. Go in there and remind Derek of everything that he needs to fight for.” I can see her actually trying to will the strength into me. She jerks her head in the direction of Derek’s room. “Go.”

I nod my head and embrace her as though she’s my lifeline. She squeezes me just as tightly and after a while she pats my back for encouragement. Hoping I have absorbed some of Harlow’s strength, I finally let her go.

“Harlow, I know you’ve already done so much for me today, but can you do me a couple of more things?” She nods. “Listen, I need you to please call John and Nancy and have them go get the girls from school. Let them know Derek has been in an accident. That I’m here, but I haven’t spoken with the doctor yet. I think that they’ll want to get here to see their son as soon as possible. Have them bring the girls. Tell them they can bring my car if they want to, remind them I put the spare keys in my kitchen drawer. Then, call my parents and let them know what’s going on as well. Tell them there is no reason for them to fly down yet and that I will call them as soon as I know something.” I stop speaking as my thoughts immediately go to the girls.

“What am I going to tell the girls, Harlow?” My voice shakes uncontrollably.

“You’ll tell them the truth. That’s all you can do sweetie.” She turns my body gently toward Derek. “Now, go to your husband. I’ll take care of everything else.”

I give her one last look and walk into the room. As I enter, I hear the familiar and comforting sound of Derek’s monitor.

Beep.

Beep.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee–

I watch the monitor as the last remnants of Derek’s heartbeat slowly go by.

“No! No! No! Oh my god…Harlow!” I scream a guttural scream as I run to Derek’s side. I push the call button for the nurse and yell as loud as humanly possible. “Nurse! Please…Help! Help me…help my husband! Please!”

I’m still screaming when the nurses and Harlow rush into the room. I grab onto Derek and loudly cry out, “Derek, you fight! You fight for us! Don’t you give up! We need you, Derek!” I’m shrieking at the top of my lungs and shaking him with every ounce of strength my weakened body can muster. I barely register that Harlow’s beside me trying to pry my fingers from Derek’s arms.

“Alex, you have to let go sweetheart. They can’t help him unless you let go. You need to move, honey.”

I wrench my fingers as tightly as I can around his arms. I can’t let go. If I let go–

“Please, let go, Alex. Let them try to help,” Harlow says, forcefully breaking my hold on Derek. She grabs both of my hands, turns my body away from Derek, and looks me directly in the eyes. “Alex, we need to go outside. Okay? Let them do their jobs.”

I stare at her face because it’s the only thing I can do. I have no fight left in me. I let her lead me out of the room. I hear the doctors and nurses fighting to save him. But I know deep down he’s already gone because I don’t feel him anymore. I don’t feel his soul. I don’t feel his presence in my heart. I don’t even feel my own heart anymore. That’s how I know he’s gone. There’s nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. Nothing I want to say. I can feel my body, my heart, my brain…everything…shutting down. There’s nothing anymore. I’m completely void. Completely empty.

I should have never let go.