I awake in my room, my pillow drenched in tears. My eyes remain shut but the tears continue.

Derek.

Gone.

Alone.

Empty.

As I re-play the death of Derek, just as it was in my dream over and over again, I find myself getting angrier each time.

Angry at myself for being so weak.

Angry at Derek for dying and leaving me behind.

And honestly, I find myself angry at a certain someone for showing up after all these years. Trying to be my hero. I don’t need a hero. I don’t need anyone.

And I sure as hell do not need Blake Morgan.

Thursday morning I wake up to the sound of my alarm, evidently set to the tone of “Drill Nails into Alex’s Skull”. I honestly don’t know if my headache is from the wine, the tears, or a combination of both. Whatever the reason, I’m being severely punished this morning. Turning my alarm off, I drag myself out of bed and make the rounds to wake up my girls. I walk into Nycole and Kyndall’s shared room and turn on the light. Their heads immediately disappear under their sheets.

“Get up sleepyheads!” I shout, immediately cringing in pain.

I watch their beds for any sign of movement. This is going to be an extremely long morning.

“Girls….please get up. Mommy isn’t feeling great this morning. Can you guys help me a little and get out of bed now, instead of waiting until the thirty-seventh time I ask? Please? I will love you guys forever.” I sing the last line.

Nycole’s head pops straight up. “So, are you saying there’s a possibility you won’t love us forever?”

A small smile finds its way to my lips as I look at this little girl who’s growing up so fast.

“Um, no. But it was an effective way to get you two up, no?”

“Mama,” Kyndall says, removing the covers from over her head. “That wasn’t very nice. Are you sure you’re gonna love us forever?”

“Girls, I will love you forever and ever and ever. There’s no way I could ever stop loving you. You’re both my babies. Did you know that when you are fifty years old, you’ll still be my babies?”

They both giggle.

“So, yes, I’ll love you forever. Unless you guys don’t get out of bed this minute. Then I will love you no more!” I yell as I jump onto Nycole’s bed and start tickling her. Kyndall jumps on my back in a measly effort to protect her sister. I bring her little body over my shoulder and throw her onto Nycole’s bed, tickling her as well. We’re all giggling when I hear Rylie’s little voice as she enters the room.

“Hy-yah!” She shouts, running across the room. She jumps on my back, karate chopping and kicking like the ninja master she is. When I finally catch a glimpse of her, I break out into laughter. Oops. I guess we forgot to take off her swimsuit before she went to bed. Oh well, at least I did manage to remember to braid her crazy hair after her bath, which will make getting her ready much, much easier this morning.

“Nice kick, young grasshopper. Now guys, let’s get out of this room and start getting ready for school.”

Maybe I should have reconsidered the early morning wrestling match, because now my head is really throbbing. Yet, I smile to myself in lieu of my misery. It was so worth it.

The rest of the morning is pretty uneventful. The only minor hiccup is Rylie refusing to wear shoes that actually match her outfit. And since I’m running on my morning after Wild and Wacky Wednesday speed, I opt to not argue with her about it. While heading to the car, I shake my head as I look at my beautiful baby girl, brown curly hair blowing everywhere, dressed in a blue sundress that Nancy bought her with a pair of red and white checkered flats. Well, if nothing else, it’s very “Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz”-esque.

While driving the normal morning route, I decide that I completely loathe the “Do you know?” game that Rylie has recently started forcing me to play with her.

“Mommy, do you know what starts with A?”

“What?”

“Apple and Art.”

“That’s right baby. You are so smart.”

“Mommy, do you know what the potty is called?”

“What?”

“The toilet or the rest room.”

“That’s right baby. Hey, Kynd–”

“Mommy, do you know the color of brains?”

“Rylie – we don’t talk about–”

“Pink. Brains are pink, Mommy.”

“Rylie, that’s right. But please don’t talk about brains, okay? I don’t think your teachers in your new big girl class would like that.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

“Do you know the capital of New York?” she asks. Honestly, she’s got me there.

“No, honey, what is the capital of New York?”

“Albany.”

How does she know this stuff? And why New York? Why not Texas?

“Rylie? What’s the capital of California?” I suddenly feel the need to gauge this child’s intelligence level.

“My formula.” She smiles widely looking back at me in the rearview mirror.

Phew! Okay…so she isn’t completely smarter than me. I grin back at her wholeheartedly.

After I drop the girls off at all of their respective drop sites, I head over to Prestige. Walking in the door, I let out a snort as I look at Harlow.

“Sporting the after Wednesday night look as well my dear friend?” Harlow is in the process of popping ibuprofen in her mouth. Her hair is in a pony tail, which is an extremely rare occurrence.

“I totally blame you for this look, actually,” Harlow snaps back, obviously not in the mood for my first-rate sarcasm this morning.

“Well then, we’re even because I didn’t get an ounce of sleep last night thanks to you. After you left, I went into the attic and found some random box labeled ‘Alex’s Stuff’ – did you do that by the way because your labeling is completely unacceptable. Anyway, I opened it, and found the charm bracelet Blake gave me when we were kids. You remember which one I’m talking about, right?” I watch Harlow give a slight nod yes, obviously in too much pain for a full-fledged head shake.

“Well, I had some unfortunate memories about him, and then proceeded to have some even more unfortunate memories revolving around Derek’s death. So needless to say, if we’re playing the blame game, I win…by a freakin’ landslide.”

I think I just word vomited on myself. I need some coffee.

“Okay…you win,” Harlow says emphatically surrendering. “Sorry for the drunken lecture. But honestly, we don’t have that many chances to really talk, ya know? I said what I felt needed to be said and what I know you needed to hear.”

“I know, Harlow. It doesn’t make it easy to take though. I know everything you said is true, but honestly, I’m just not ready. Maybe someday, but not now.”

Sighing extremely loudly, Harlow places the ibuprofen bottle on the counter. “I’m not getting into this with you today, Alex. I’m too tired and too hung over.”

“That’s completely fine by me,” I say as my cell starts ringing. “What the–”

“Who is it?”

“Oh. My. God. I completely forgot I left a message with his parents. It’s Blake.”

Covering her mouth in an effort to try to hide her obvious amusement, Harlow asks, “Well, are you going to answer it?”

“Hell no, I’m not going to answer it.” I throw my phone back into my purse. “I don’t have time for this shit, Harlow. So what, he’s here after all of these years? Honestly, I don’t care. It has nothing to do with me. I haven’t spoken to the man in years. There’s nothing to say. He did me a favor. Big freakin’ whoop. I’m not obligated to answer his phone calls. So I’m not going to.”

“Okay…jeez, Lucifer. I was just asking a question. You sure are defensive about a phone call.” Harlow’s enjoying this. I can tell by the delighted look on her face. I decide to squash any thoughts that may be going on in that devious mind of hers.