What the hell am I doing? I can’t be thinking like this.

Aggravated with myself, I roll over and shut my eyes. I don’t have this luxury. And I won’t pretend that I do.

But boy…it sure would be nice, I think to myself as I finally fall asleep.

 

“Ma’am, this is Officer Sanchez from the Round Rock Police Department. Are you the wife of a Mr. Derek Meyer?”

“Yes I am. Who is this?”

“Mrs. Meyer…I’m afraid there’s been an accident.”

“An accident? What kind of accident?” Harlow places her coffee mug down on her desk and walks into my office. She gently shuts the door behind her, her widened eyes meeting mine.

“Ma’am, we’re gonna need you to come to Round Rock Medical Center. Your husband has been involved in a pretty severe vehicular accident and was airlifted to the hospital this morning. Ma’am, if you could find someone to drive you, I suggest you get here as soon as you can. We can call the Waco P.D. and see if we can get an officer to bring you if you’d like. But we’ll need you to get on the road as soon as possible.”

I begin gasping for air, but it doesn’t work. I can’t breathe. I start to fan my face to try to get some air in my lungs. I still can’t breathe. This isn’t happening. I look at Harlow as a river of tears begins to flow down my cheeks. I attempt to speak to Officer Sanchez.

“No,” I say as I take in a much needed breath. “I have someone who can bring me. We’re on our way.”

Harlow, keys already in hand, grabs the phone from me and hangs it up. “What happened, Alex? Is it Derek? Is he okay? Where is he?”

“Harlow, Derek was airlifted to Round Rock Medical Center this morning. He was in a car accident.” Every part of my body is shaking now. I can’t feel anything but my own heart beat, pulsating in my head. My hands are balled into fists by my side, and I feel my nails start to slice through the palms of my hands.

Then it starts to actually sink in.

“We have to hurry, Harlow. Please, we need to go,” I say rushing toward the door. “I need to see him.”

She follows me to the door and stops. “We’ll make it, honey. Try to calm down. We don’t know anything yet.” She takes in a long breath through her nose and exhales. I’m not sure if the breathing is more for me or for her. “Listen, I know it’s hard, but you need to focus on being strong. It isn’t going to help him any to see you like this. So you have about an hour to compose yourself.”

She places her hands on my shoulders. “I’m right here. I’ll be right beside you the entire time. So take a breath, unclench your fists because I think you’re bleeding…seriously…and let’s go,” she says with a weak smile. She opens the door and then wraps her arms around my shoulders. “Everything will be okay.”

I squeeze her tightly in response. “God Harlow, I hope so. I can’t imagine my life or the girls’ lives without Derek. He’s everything to us, Harlow. He’s all we know.”

“I know, Alex. Try to stay positive. And try to remember to breathe.” She pauses to give me another quick squeeze.

“Now, let’s get you to Derek, sweetie. Chin up.” Harlow removes her arms from around me and puts her hand under my chin forcing me to look at her. She peers into my eyes.

“You can do this, Alex.” I look at her determined face and I know she’s right. I let out a sigh blowing the hair out of my face. “Okay, we can do this. Let’s get going.”

As we start out the door, I grab Harlow’s hand. “He’ll be okay, Harlow. Right?”

Smiling a little more confidently and giving my hand a quick squeeze back, she simply replies, “Positive thoughts only my friend.”

 

 

The ride to Round Rock is a pretty silent one; I think we’re both lost in thought. I can’t help but worry about what I’ll see when I get to the hospital, but I try to push all the negative thoughts out of my mind.

He’s going to be fine. He’ll be fine.

I wring my hands over and over in my lap.

Harlow reaches over and places her hand over mine. “Calm down. We’re almost there.”

“I know, Harlow. It’s just hard. I’m trying,” I say, letting out a little sob. There’s a lump in my throat the size of a softball. I raise my arm to wipe my face with my sleeve.

I’m trying...

I look out the window. I watch the traffic go by and find myself thinking about Derek. His smile, his humor, his arms holding me tight. He’s all I want, all I need right now. His arms around me. The safety I feel when he’s near me. I want to hear his laughter, to feel his kisses on my face. I want nothing more than to walk into that room and hold him tight. A slight breath of relief escapes me as I imagine crawling into the hospital bed with him, his arms wrapping around me, taking all my fears away.

I feel Harlow’s car start to slow, along with the traffic around us. I look out the window and see blue and red police lights on the right side of the interstate. I notice the sun highlighting shards of clear glass all over the concrete, mixed with a lot of red pieces…both of which are strewn across this section of the road. I look up to barely catch a glimpse of what looks like the remnants of a car, completely flipped upside down, sitting in the grass on the side of I-35.

I audibly gasp out loud and cover my mouth. “Oh my God, Harlow. Is that–”

“Don’t. Lay your seat down. Now! Do it, Alex. You don’t need to see this.”

I do as I’m told, only to shut my eyes and raise my arm where the crook of my arm covers my face. I try to keep all the negative thoughts from breaking into my mind.

Think positive.

I can do this.

He’ll be fine.

He’s going to be just fine.

But I still can’t seem to control my tears. Harlow’s hand, still resting on mine, gives another small squeeze. Shortly after, I feel the car finally come to a halt. “We’re here sweetheart,” Harlow says gently. “Do you need a minute?”

I shake my head as I raise the seat back into its original position. “No. I need to get in there. We need to go.”

Handing me a napkin from the glove compartment, Harlow says, “Alright. But you’re gonna need to wipe your face before we get in there.” She gives me a small compassionate smile.

I accept the napkin and blot my cheeks. I let out a deep sigh from my lungs and smooth my shirt with my hands.

“I’m ready,” I say, voice shaking.

I just wish I knew exactly what the hell I am supposed to be ready for…

 

 

“Oh my God–Harlow.” Every ounce of strength I think I have abandons my body. I grab my best friend as I begin to lose my legs from underneath me.

“Harlow –I ca–”

“Yes, you can, Alex. You have to. I’m right here sweetie. Just go to him. He needs you,” she says, guiding my uncooperative body to the side of the bed where Derek lies, unrecognizable.

Looking at my husband, I know I’m slowly losing control. Every part of my body is shaking. More tears stream down my face. The lump in my throat is almost unbearable. But, I need to stay strong for him. As I move closer to the man lying in front of me, I try to manage the emotions that seem to be forcing their way out of my body. Taking a deep breath, I begin to time my breathing with Derek’s heart monitor in an effort to remind myself to actually breathe.