I know by Harlow’s calm tone, I’m about to get the speech of a lifetime. The calm before the storm…and the impending long lecture.
“Alex, how long have we known each other?”
“Since we were seven?” I ask because I’m not really sure where she’s going with this line of questioning.
“Right, so that’s…what…twenty…some odd years. You think after all these years that I don’t know you?” She stalls waiting for an answer. I continue to pretend I have no idea what she’s talking about. I don’t really have to pretend that much actually. Yet, she keeps on going, like the Energizer bunny.
“Well, I do. Honestly, I know you better than yourself. Especially lately.”
I feel my blood pressure begin to rise.
“Harl–”
“No, you’re going to let me finish. I’m not going to give you the chance to try to rationalize out loud what you think is going on, because it’s time for you to hear what I have to say. I know you don’t want to hear it, but honey, you need to. I need you to. Your children need you to,” she begins.
“You know I love you more than if you were my own sister, if that’s even possible. So saying this isn’t going to be easy, but just know that I’m saying it out of love for you and your precious girls.”
I open my mouth to speak but she holds up her hand, signaling she’s serious about me not speaking.
Okay…
“Do you really believe that seeing Blake today had nothing to do with what happened at the office today?” I nod my head, trying to end this conversation before it starts. Unfortunately for me, it seems to have the opposite effect.
“You can’t honestly believe that, Alex!” Harlow takes a deep breath, obviously trying to control her temper. She lowers her voice, but keeps her eyes on me the entire time she speaks.
“No, I don’t think you do. I think you know, deep down, that seeing Blake had an effect on you. And I think that you’re so used to not allowing yourself to feel anything that your brain didn’t know how to cope. I don’t know how long you’re going to keep doing this to yourself, Alex. How long is long enough?” I continue my blank stare. Unfortunately, I think she’s on to me.
“You go on, each day, as though you’re happy and at peace with your life. Or at least trying to convince yourself that you are. But you also go on, each day, not really living. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to you and it’s definitely not fair to your children, who deserve to see their mother happy. It’s time to let him go and live your life without him. Derek has been dead for three years! Three. Years. Alex.”
Okay…now I’m really starting to get irritated.
“Really Harlow. How profound of you.” I glare at her. My voice starts to quiver as it rises.
“No shit Derek’s been dead for three years! I live with that knowledge every single day of my life. Every day, I wake up still expecting him to be lying next to me. Every day, I look at these children and wonder if they have any inkling of how wonderful, caring, smart, beautiful, strong, and loving their father really was. I live my life, every day, with a heart that is completely empty. I have a heart that unfortunately is irreparable. Yes, Harlow, every day of my life is a constant reminder that Derek is dead! Is there any other mind blowing information you feel the need to share with me?!” I yell at her as the tears roll down my cheeks.
Without hesitation, Harlow moves herself directly in front of my face. “Yes, Alex. Actually there is. You’ve become so obsessed with living right by him after his death…you don’t see anything else. Derek is dead, Alex. You are not! But you live as though you are, as though your life is done and over with too. You should know better than anyone how short and precious life is. How important it is to make the most of what you have been given. You have got to find the strength to get back out there. To love again. To feel again. You cannot continue this apathetic way of life. It’s not healthy for you…and it’s affecting you. If I see it, you know the girls see it. Is that how you want to be seen by your daughters…the children who worship the ground you walk on? Is that the example you want to set for them? Or do you want them to see the true strength their mother possesses? Because I know it’s still in there, Alex. I know you and I know your fierce strength. How hard you can love. How much life you still have in you. Don’t let your fear rob you of the happiness that you deserve.” My thoughts automatically go to Blake.
“What…so Blake’s supposed to be my second chance? Just because he happens to come back to town, that means I’m supposed to fall madly and deeply in love with him? Get real, Harlow. I have three daughters now. I don’t have the luxury to just fall in love on a whim. My life is different now,” I say to her, trying to control my anger.
“This has nothing to do with Blake. What it has to do with is the fact that you’re so obsessed with Derek that you won’t let anyone else in. He didn’t do anything today but help you. Yet you’re angry about it. Instead of being grateful like anyone else in their right mind would be. Although seeing you express any emotion at all is refreshing actually. You’ve completely closed yourself off from anyone else but me. You won’t open yourself up to feel anything. That’s what concerns me.”
I try to choke down my anger, but I don’t think it’s really working. I’m pretty sure my anger filled tears are giving me away.
Harlow shifts her weight on the couch. “Listen honey, it could be Tony the fucking Tiger and I would still be having this conversation with you. You have blinders on and refuse to allow yourself to see anything else. I’m not saying you should feel anything for Blake. But it’s okay to get help from people. Not everyone expects something in return. Blake was always there for you when you needed him, and evidently he still is.” I roll my eyes. She continues.
“But while we are on the topic of Blake…I do find it very interesting that you say seeing him is like seeing anyone else around town. I know you and Derek were together for a very long time. But there was a time before Derek, Alex. There was a time that you and Blake were actually very close friends. Best friends. We all were. But you refuse to acknowledge any of this when talking about him. Do you even remember those days? Do you remember how much he cared for you back then? Even as young as we were, he would’ve done anything for you. He was always there for you, whenever you needed him, both before and after you met Derek. Do you really not remember? Or is it just safer for you not to remember?”
I just stare at her when she’s finished with her speech, tears now running in continuous streams down my face. I can’t answer her because, honestly, I don’t know the answers to the questions she’s asking. I don’t know anything anymore. I can say that I honestly had no thoughts stemming back to my relationship with Blake when I saw him this morning. All I really thought about Blake this morning was that I found him extremely irritating. Maybe Harlow does have a point. Because, now that I think about it, it’s odd that I didn’t even think about my past relationship with Blake this morning, considering he and I grew up together. She’s right; we had a history together and for me not to even remember that, well…
I exhale in defeat.
“Alright, Harlow. I get it. It’s just hard sometimes, ya know? Honestly, I’m tired of being strong all the time, tired of pretending. But I’m scared. It’s so much easier for me to cling to the memories of happiness than to consider any possibility of losing someone again. You were there Harlow. You saw everything. I don’t know if I could survive it a second time when I barely made it through the first time. You know that. How many times did you have to force me to get up just to take care of the girls? How many times did you have to come over to console me when I couldn’t stop screaming and crying? How many times did you come over just to check on the girls to make sure they were okay – and don’t say you didn’t because I know you did. Honestly, how many times? So I understand your concern, I truly do. But I feel that I’ve earned a little leeway to be scared without being judged.”