That hath to this maturity blown up

In rank Achilles must or now be cropped

Or, shedding, breed a nursery of like evil

To overbulk us all.

NESTOR Well, and how?

ULYSSES

This challenge that the gallant Hector sends,

However it is spread in general name,

Relates in purpose only to Achilles.

NESTOR

The purpose is perspicuous, even as substance

Whose grossness little characters sum up.

And, in the publication, make no strain

But that Achilles, were his brain as barren

As banks of Libya—though, Apollo knows,

’Tis dry enough—will with great speed of judgement,

Ay with celerity, find Hector’s purpose

Pointing on him.

ULYSSES

And wake him to the answer, think you?

NESTOR

Yes, ‘tis most meet. Who may you else oppose,

That can from Hector bring his honour off,

If not Achilles? Though’t be a sportful combat,

Yet in this trial much opinion dwells,

For here the Trojans taste our dear’st repute

With their fin‘st palate. And trust to me, Ulysses,

Our imputation shall be oddly poised

In this wild action: for the success,

Although particular, shall give a scantling

Of good or bad unto the general—

And in such indices, although small pricks

To their subsequent volumes, there is seen

The baby figure of the giant mass

Of things to come at large. It is supposed

He that meets Hector issues from our choice,

And choice, being mutual act of all our souls,

Makes merit her election, and doth boil,

As ’twere, from forth us all a man distilled

Out of our virtues—who miscarrying,

What heart from hence receives the conqu‘ring part

To steel a strong opinion to themselves?

Which entertained, limbs are e’en his instruments,

In no less working than are swords and bows

Directive by the limbs.

ULYSSES Give pardon to my speech:

Therefore ’tis meet Achilles meet not Hector.

Let us like merchants show our foulest wares

And think perchance they’ll sell. If not,

The lustre of the better yet to show

Shall show the better. Do not consent

That ever Hector and Achilles meet,

For both our honour and our shame in this

Are dogged with two strange followers.

NESTOR

I see them not with my old eyes. What are they?

ULYSSES

What glory our Achilles shares from Hector,

Were he not proud we all should wear with him.

But he already is too insolent,

And we were better parch in Afric sun

Than in the pride and salt scorn of his eyes,

Should he scape Hector fair. If he were foiled,

Why then we did our main opinion crush

In taint of our best man. No, make a lott’ry,

And by device let blockish Ajax draw

The sort to fight with Hector. Among ourselves

Give him allowance as the worthier man—

For that will physic the great Myrmidon,

Who broils in loud applause, and make him fall

His crest, that prouder than blue Iris bends.

If the dull brainless Ajax come safe off,

We’ll dress him up in voices; if he fail,

Yet go we under our opinion still

That we have better men. But hit or miss,

Our project’s life this shape of sense assumes:

Ajax employed plucks down Achilles’ plumes.

NESTOR

Now, Ulysses, I begin to relish thy advice,

And I will give a taste of it forthwith

To Agamemnon. Go we to him straight.

Two curs shall tame each other; pride alone

Must tarre the mastiffs on, as ’twere their bone.

Exeunt

2.1 Enter Ajax and Thersites

AJAX Thersites.

THERSITES Agamemnon—how if he had boils, full, all over, generally?

AJAX Thersites.

THERSITES And those boils did run? Say so, did not the General run then? Were not that a botchy core?

AJAX Dog.

THERSITES Then there would come some matter from him.

I see none now.

AJAX Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Feel then.

He strikes Thersites

THERSITES The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord!

AJAX Speak then, thou unsifted leaven, speak! I will beat thee into handsomeness.

THERSITES I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness. But I think thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book.

⌈Ajax strikes him⌉

Thou canst strike, canst thou? A red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks.

AJAX Toad’s stool!

⌈He strikes Thersites⌉

Learn me the proclamation.

THERSITES Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?

AJAX The proclamation.

THERSITES Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.

AJAX Do not, porcupine, do not. My fingers itch.

THERSITES I would thou didst itch from head to foot. An I had the scratching of thee, I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece.

AJAX I say, the proclamation.

THERSITES Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at Proserpina’s beauty, ay, that thou barkest at him.

AJAX Mistress Thersites.

THERSITES Thou shouldst strike him.

AJAX Cobloaf.

THERSITES He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a biscuit.

AJAX You whoreson cur.

⌈He strikes Thersites⌉

THERSITES Do! Do!

AJAX Thou stool for a witch.

⌈He strikes Thersites⌉

THERSITES Ay, do, do! Thou sodden-witted lord, thou hast in thy skull no more brain than I have in mine elbows. An asnico may tutor thee. Thou scurvy valiant ass, thou art here but to thrash Trojans, and thou art bought and sold among those of any wit like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou.