accept it without reservation. I know your reputation has been blemished undeservedly. I am prepared

to declare to any media of your choice what I know to be the truth, if you express the wish for me to do

so.

I’m not asking for any sort of personal contact between us. Be assured: I will not bother you

again in any way or form. I provide my full name, address and phone number in case your lawyers

need them.

Thank you for reading my words.”

*

Steve looks for a moment at the white, still empty paper before him, takes his pen in his hand

and starts to write. Slowly, making sure every word is correct. He writes the difficult words on the

margin of an old newspaper to ask Daniël if they’re okay.

Mr Smith,

Thank you, but I’m afraid you have nothing on offer I could possibly need.

Sincerely,

Steve Gavan.

Then he shows Daniël what he has written. “Did I make any mistakes?”

Daniël smiles and kisses him. “It’s perfect.”

Chapter 25

In the morning, he lies in Daniël’s arms for a moment before the days begins for them and the

question comes up without bidding. “Was I cruel in my answer to that man, Danny?”

“Cruel? You couldn’t be cruel if someone paid you good money for it.”

Steve sighs. “This indifference, all the emotions I’m not feeling...I don’t know ...”

“Well I do. Mark Smith seems to me interested in Mark Smith first, second and last. If he had

really thought of you, he would have simply gone to the police and asked for help with a therapist.

Isn’t there some GLBT helpline? What reason did he have to bother you? Does he really think it’s

somehow helpful? That first letter was hardly forgiveable, the second one downright shameless. Fuck

it, Steve, but even the teenagers who think they might be gay and wonder if they can still become a

professional footballer without having to date a girl have the decency to send their letters to the club

and not to you personally.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Steve tries to hide against Daniël’s body. It’s not often

he sees his lover this angry and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

“No, I should be sorry. I wish I knew how to protect you against such people. People who want

to use you for their worthy cause, their personal needs, their whatever it is they want from you. You

need every bit of energy you have for physio, getting married, finding a home, and dealing with all the

stuff we have to deal with. Do they even understand half of what happened to you? And you still feel

guilty for not being able to feel anything much for all those people.”

“It must have been hard for him too. He tried to be nice in that park; I’m willing to believe he

really thought I was scared and perhaps a bit shy. When I think about it, it must have looked that way.

I just wasn’t able to say anything. I was absolutely tongue-tied. I was too shocked and how could I

have told the truth without giving you away?”

“From what I read in those letters, he made his own choice. We all make mistakes and who

knows what stupid things we would have done if nothing had happened that night except you taking a

stroll in the park, but I’m not going to blame that on others.”

“Would you have found a girlfriend? Started a family?”

“I’m beginning to forget what I would have done. By the time I said see you in two days and I

got to the airport for my parents, I was full of clever ideas of how to keep my job with Kinbridge

Town and still be with you. Those six months before everything changed had already given me my

answer. It had to be you and no one else. I already loved you so much, what kind of man would I’ve

been to misuse a woman for that? There’s no excuse for that sort of behaviour. Absolutely none.”

“Not even when a girl had knowingly agreed on it? Is that so wrong? People get married for

lots of reasons, not just love and sexual attraction.”

“And some gays still wonder why so many people look down on them? Us.” Daniël takes a

deep breath. “Okay, that’s unfair of me, but if you don’t take your own relationship, or your very

nature, seriously, then what do you expect from others? Footballers might be one of the last groups to

start behaving like normal human beings when it comes to this subject, but allow me the illusion that I

wouldn’t have given you up for anything in this world.”

Steve’s breath is taken away by the force of Daniël’s embrace.

“I can’t live with the idea we are still together because you were nearly beaten to death. And

for what? If we had been working in an office ...” Daniël’s voice becomes soft, vulnerable. “I’m

preaching against my own fear, my own cowardice. I’m just as dishonest as that man. Taking the high

moral ground ...”

“You’re trying to protect me. I love you so much for that.” Steve kisses Daniël as a lover, with

deep longing.

“Morning breath?”

“Well, it’s not exactly roses.” And he kisses Daniël again.

“It makes you such a sweet darling of a man, the fact that you care about not caring someone

who doesn’t deserve that care at all, at least not from you.” Daniël frowns. “You ever think about the

upcoming trial? Should I even mention it?”

“That’s okay. I try not to. I didn’t die, so I don’t think they’ll be put away that long. I guess it’s

complicated, too, them trying to blame each other. To blame me. They’re going to get a few years at

most, I guess. And it’s the innocent who’ll pay the highest price in the end, isn’t it? Us, their families

...” Steve shrugs. “It’s out of our hands and I’m happy for that. I want to share my life with you, my

dear boy, not with them.”

“Perhaps we’ll hear from Smith during the trial or via the lawyers, but other than that, can we

agree to close the subject? There are people able and willing to help that man, I’m sure. As for the

monsters ...” Daniël worries his lower lip with his teeth and to Steve it makes him look unbearably

fragile. “It has to be about you, about our love, not about them. But God, it’s so hard sometimes.”

Steve snuggles his face against the crook of Daniël’s neck. “I would love to make love to you

right now. Not a quickie, but really taking our time. But there’s training and we have to look at those

houses, so please be stronger than me and help me out of bed?”

Daniël grins. “What about a date? You, me and this bed? Tonight, after tea?”

It takes Daniël some clearly visible effort but he manages to get himself into an upright

position and help Steve to do the same.

“Anything special I should wear to our date?” Steve stretches his body. Ouch, exercise is going

to hurt and there’s no maybe about it.

“It’s all fine as long as I can get you naked real fast.” Daniël smiles, kisses him and is off to

the bathroom.

*

The day is full, very full, but pleasant enough. Yes, doing his exercises hurts, but there’s also

the feeling that for once, he’s making real progress. Not in a spectacular-tearjerker-TV-movie-of-theweek

way, he’s not that lucky, but his hard work of the past weeks finally seems to be rewarded. The

pain is the price he’s willing to pay, especially when a good massage takes care of the worst of it.

At least, enough to share lunch with the others and enjoy a quiet conversation with Gael and

Niko, while Daniël is busy explaining some ideas for the next training to fellow defenders Neil and

Anthony. He tells them about the houses he and Daniël are going to take a look at later that afternoon.

“You’re going to look at some property in Hollycroft? It’s actually very nice there. A handful

of our guys already live there, and with good reason,” Gael says.