beautiful night, hot enough to leave the window open so that we could hear the traffic and people on the
streets below us. We were drinking the last of our second bottle of wine together and then I could see by
the look on Remi’s face as he lit up a cigarette that something was the matter.
“What is it?” I asked. He exhaled some smoke before he could say anything.
“Michael I really like you.”
“Yeah, I like you too,” I said. “
“I like you, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea,” he said. He inhaled from his cigarette. I was
puzzled.
“What do you mean, wrong idea?” He looked at me with those sweet eyes.
“I mean I really like you being my friend and I like having sex with you…but that’s it.” He sighed and
looked at me seriously. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m just not in love with you. I just don’t feel it.”
“I’m not in love with you either,” I said and when I’d spoken the words out loud I knew I meant it. “Can
I have one of your cigarettes?” I asked. He gave me a cigarette and lit it for me. I never smoked but now I
needed something to get rid of the uneasy feeling in my stomach.
“Then why did you say that you loved me when I woke you up last morning?” Remi asked.
“Did I say that?” I replied puzzled. Sometimes when I woke up here it was still hard for me to
remember where I was. There were some many places where I had spent the night frequently that I lost
track. I was confused between my parents place, my old apartment in New York, my new apartment back
home, my Parisian apartment, Remi’s place… Sometimes when Remi was lying next to me I dreamt I was
back in New York and it was David holding me instead of him. When Remi would wake me up with a
kiss I would dream it was David.
I poured myself another glass of red wine. Our second bottle of the evening was almost empty.
“So who were you saying I love you to then?” Remi asked. “It’s complicated,” I said and swallowed
some more wine.
“You can tell me,” Remi said. I had clearly awoken his curiosity. “There’s only one guy for me,” I said.
“So why aren’t you with him?” Remi asked. “It’s impossible,” I replied. Remi giggled, “Nothing is
impossible, unless he’s straight… Is he straight?” I shook my head.
“Come on, you can tell me about him,” Remi said, but I couldn’t say anything at that moment.
At least Remi was relieved that I wasn’t in love with him either. It was weird that both of us didn’t feel
that way about each other because we seemed like a perfect match. He was smart and talkative and not
such a nerd as David. David was a really sweet guy but Remi had an edge and a very cynic sense of
humor that I also liked. And of course he was really handsome. When we walked outside together I could
see girls and sometimes guys checking him out. Remi loved the attention.
Still, when I thought of David I would be melancholic for hours. I hoped he was happy working for dad.
I hoped he was happy together with Marc, but sometimes I hoped he missed me too.
21. “Bonne fête a toi” (Happy birthday to you)
Then it was my birthday again, another year gone by. I would go out with Remi and a couple of his
friends, who were now my friends too. I’d already received some packages from the States for my
birthday but had decided to leave them unopened until today. I could read Glenn’s scribbled handwriting
on one of them and I was pleased that he’d remembered. I really missed Glenn.
I made myself an espresso with the fancy machine that I’d bought second hand in some dump shop near
by and sat down. The first package I opened was from Christine and contained, like always, some
clothing. She loved buying me shirts, even though I now lived in the fashion capital of the world. It was a
nice shirt though and I decided I would wear it in the evening when we went out.
My dad and Juliette had sent me a card saying that they’d put 500 Euro’s on my account so that I could
treat myself to something nice. The twins had bought me a CD from a band I’d never heard of before, but
which turned out to be pretty cool. My little brothers were growing up fast and they’d both acquired a
taste for nice indie bands.
Glenn had sent me some raunchy porn DVD’s with guys dressed as US Marshalls. He’d written me a
card too, which read: “Just so you don’t forget the boys back home…Hope you’re enjoying yourself
over there. Make sure to come back to the US in a couple of months. I’m bored to death without you.” I
smiled. It was nice to know that Glenn missed me too. I would have to call him again to urge him to come
over and stay with me for a vacation.
I’d kept David’s package for last. My stomach felt clenched when I looked at it. I didn’t really want to
open it but at the same time I felt compelled to do so. When I opened the package I saw that there was a
birthday card inside that I kept for last.
There was also an bunch of pictured that I picked up and flipped through. He’d send me the pictures that
we’d taken in our parent’s backyard. Some of them had David and me on them, while we lay in the grass
in each others’ arms. Two of the pictures had actually been taken when we were sleeping. Christine must
have made those secretly with David’s camera. I’m holding David in my arms on those pictures and our
legs are tangled. The set also contained the picture of David standing next to our pool. I felt sad looking at
it. Seeing him on that picture made me realize that nothing had changed; I loved him just the same. I
framed that picture later and put it next to my bed.
I opened David’s birthday card. It read: “I hope you’re having a great day Michael. I really miss you
back home. I think about you all the time. Love David.”
I felt like crying. Here I was, thousands of miles away from my brother and still I felt bad. I still wanted
him more than I could ever want Remi, although Remi was perfect for me in every way.
I picked up my mobile phone and called David’s number. It was the first time I’d ever called him from
France on my initiative. All of a sudden I was desperate to hear his voice and the thought of him not
picking up the phone was agonizing.
The phone rang a couple of times, which seemed to take forever, and then he finally picked up.
“Hey it’s me,” I said, “Can you talk?” I hadn’t even thought of the time differences with the US. He
was silent for a moment and then said “Yeah of course. I’m so glad you called.” Just hearing his slightly
husky voice made my heart twitch.
“I just opened your package,” I said, “Thanks for the pictures.”
“You liked them?”
“Yeah, they’re great. It was really thoughtful of you.”
“I miss you,” he said.
“Yeah I read that on our card,” I replied, “I miss you too.”
I could hear his tearing breath through the phone.
“I miss you quite a lot actually,” I said hoarsely.
“I miss you a lot too, I think about you all the time,”
“Me too,” I said, “I try not too but I can’t stop myself. I think about you all the time, even when I
shouldn’t.”
I could hear him catch his breath on the other side of the line.
“Sometimes I wake up here thinking I’m back in my old apartment in New York, with you being there...
But then when I really wake up it’s never you of course and then I feel so empty inside. I’m sorry I haven’t
called you more often, you mean more to me than you might think.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “I’m just glad I’m hearing your voice now. Sometimes I can’t sleep
because I miss you so much.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling,” I said, “I’ll call you again soon.”
“Michael,” he said, “Happy birthday.”