Not every human ailment has a telethon to help raise money. This space is donated to the Miscellaneous Ailments Foundation. If you or a loved one suffer from any of the following conditions, open your heart, dig deep, and give what you can. And please, no small donations. Try to give more than you can afford.

ITCH • TWITCH • WELTS • WARTS • PIMPLES • NITS • SCABS • SCARS • SORES • BOILS • RASH • GASH • HIVES • CYSTS • CRAMPS • POLYPS • BLISTERS • BLOTCHES • BUNIONS • BEDSORES • ROPE BURNS • PAPER CUTS • COCKEYE • BLACKHEADS • WHITEHEADS • GAG EASILY • SWOLLEN GLANDS • EYESTRAIN • NAUSEA • PILES • GAS • CRABS • PEG LEG • ABSCESSED TOOTH • PENICILLIN REACTION • PALENESS • NICKS & CUTS • BRITTLE NAILS • WOOZINESS • HOMESICKNESS • FALL DOWN A LOT • SICK & TIRED • JUST DON’T FEEL GOOD • CHILLS & FEVER • FEVER & CHILLS • CHILLS WITHOUT FEVER • FEVER WITHOUT CHILLS • SMALL POX • MEDIUM POX • LARGE POX • X-LARGE POX • CHICKEN POX • TUNA POX • ROAST BEEF POX • WHOOPING COUGH • WHOOPING SNEEZE • WHOOPING GIGGLE • WHEEZING • SNEEZING • FREEZING • MUMPS • BUMPS • LUMPS • BAD EYES • BAD FEET • BAD BLOOD • BAD BREATH • BAD BACK • BAD ATTITUDE • POOR POSTURE • COWARDICE • TRENCH MOUTH • PUFFY SKIN • COMPLETE PARALYSIS • ENLARGED PORES • OUT OF BREATH • ARM HURTS • BAD JUDGMENT • DUMB LOOK • OUT OF SORTS • BRUISE EASILY • WIND KNOCKED OUT OF YOU • SEEIN’ THINGS • THE BLAHS • THE HOTS • THE RUNS • THE CREEPS • THE WILLIES • THE SHITS • THE VAPORS • THE BENDS • THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES • SHOCK • TREMOR • RELAPSE • BOTULISM • LEPROSY • GANGOSA • CANCER OF THE FIST • JUNGLE ROT • THE CREEPIN’ CRUD • THE 48-YEAR CREEPIN’ JESUS • MANGE • GRUNGE • SORE TITS • JET LAG • ROOT CANAL • FACIAL TICS • POOR BALANCE • LOCKJAW • CHARLEY HORSE • EUPHORIA • PRICKLY HEAT • PEELING • MISCARRIAGE • CROW’S FEET • CROW’S LEGS • SLOPPY DICTION • OVERBITE • UNDERBITE • SIDE EFFECTS • DOUBLE LIMP • SCABBY KNEE • TONE DEAFNESS • LOUD HEART • POSTNASAL DRIP • PRENASAL DRIP • JAMMED THUMB • COMA • KNOCK KNEES • STRETCH MARKS • FAT LIP • BLACK EYE • BUM LEG • OVERSIZE BIRTHMARK • STRAWBERRY • SPRING FEVER • FORGETFULNESS • SQUINTING • SURGICAL BLUNDER • FACIAL HAIR • PLAGUE • ADHESIONS • SUNSTROKE • BAD GENES • SCRAWNINESS • CROSSED NOSTRILS • CALLUSES • PREMATURE EJACULATION • STARVATION • SEEING STARS • NERVOUS BREAKDOWN • CORNS • ORGAN REJECTION • SWELLING • BLOODY NOSE • CATATONIA • BAGS UNDER THE EYES • FRECKLE LOSS • NO URINE • BIG EARS • BAD COLD • FREDDIE’S DISEASE • NO TORSO • SUICIDE • HEN TOOTH • NATURAL CAUSES • CHRONIC PUSSY FARTS • ONDINE’S CURSE • PULLED GROIN MUSCLE • CHAFING • COLD SORES • SPLIT LIP • ACHES & PAINS • TRICK KNEE • TRICK NOSE • TRICK DICK • SLEEPING SICKNESS • LOBOTOMY • NIGHTMARES • PIGEON TOES • DOUBLE CHIN • SHYNESS • WINDBURN • CHRONIC LETHARGY • HOT FLASHES • DOUBLE VISION • CANCER OF THE JOWLS • CLUBFOOT • EXCESS EAR WAX • SUFFOCATION • REALLY GROSS SKIN • FALLING NOSE HAIRS • INFECTED TATTOOS • GUNSHOT WOUNDS • ELASTIC POISONING • UNPROVOKED WEEPING • DISLOCATED CROTCH • COMPLETE HAIRLESSNESS • NINE MILE FEVER • MIGRATING BEAUTY MARK • UNDESCENDED TESTICLE • CHICKEN BREASTEDNESS • BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION • GHOST LIMBS • INDUSTRIAL DEAFNESS • HAMMERTOE • DOUBLE RECTUM • FALLEN WOMB • INVERTED NIPPLES • OUT-OF-CONTROL MOLES • TRANSIENT SLURRED SPEECH • WATER ON THE PROFILE • SALINE DEPLETION • GENDER AGONY • NEGATIVE BUOYANCY • CURVATURE OF THE MIND • INFECTED DIMPLE • BURNED AT THE STAKE • BUBONIC PLAGUE • BLACK DEATH • MORNING SICKNESS • SUBDURAL HEMATOMA • GRAND MAL SEIZURE • SPASTIC BLADDER • BRAIN TUMOR • NIPPLE SEEP • DRY TEETH • SIX-FOOT NOSE HAIRS • PASSED BALLS • MIDNASAL DRIP • CHAPPED ASS • SPEAR WOUNDS • TONSILLITIS • CLAP • CRUCIFIXION • TOTAL BODY DIMPLING • FEAR OF CLOTHING • SINGLE NOSTRIL • HORSE SERUM SENSITIVITY • COKE BOTTLE IN THE ASS • HEN WORKERS LUNG • SEXTUPLE AMPUTEEISM • HEREDITY FRUCTOSE INTOLERANCE • MORTON’S FOOT • HUTCHINSON’S FRECKLE • ORIENTAL NIGHTMARE DEATH SYNDROME • RUM FITS • LIDOCAINE POISONING • IRREGULAR GAIT • GENITAL MEASLES • SPRAINED MIND • ICHTHYOSIS • LACK OF HUSTLE • HYPERDYDROSIS • FROTHING AT THE CROTCH • ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE • WET BRAIN • PRESENILITY DEMENTIA • LAETRILE OVERDOSE • MUNCHAUSEN’S SYNDROME • PAVEMENT BURN • NASAL HERPES • CLUSTER HEADACHES • HUNCHBACK • VAGINAL CLOSURE • CANCER OF THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE • CIRCUMCISION BLUNDER • SEVERE UNREMITTING PAIN • COMPLETE NERVOUS COLLAPSE • SIXTY-YEAR COMA • RIGOR MORTIS • DECAPITATION • SWIMMER’S ITCH • BEEF TAPEWORM • SHORT-LIMBED DWARFISM • TICK-BORNE RICKETS • KOPLIK’S SPOTS • IMPETIGO • GAS GANGRENE • TRANSVERSE MYELITIS • MALNUTRITION • IRRITABILITY • NONPRODUCTIVE COUGH • SIMPLE MALAISE • EPIDEMIC KERATOCONJUNCTIVITIS • FURIOUS RABIES • BLACK VOMIT • DANDY FEVER • EUROPEAN TYPHUS • BRILL-ZINSSER DISEASE • CAT SCRATCH DISEASE • STITCH ABSCESSES • STRAWBERRY TONGUE • PASTIA’S LINES • AFRICAN SLEEPING SICKNESS • WOOLSORTER’S DISEASE • CAULIFLOWER EAR • ZUCCHINI NOSE • PARACOCCIDIO IDOMYCOSIS • DESERT RHEUMATISM • LUMPY JAW • MADURA FOOT • HOOKWORM • ORIENTAL SORE • ALEPPO BOIL • FOREST YAWS • SWIMMING POOL GRANULOMA • CARDIAC DEATH • WHIPWORM INFECTION • GEOPHAGIA • RIVER BLINDNESS • TOTAL COLLAPSE • JEWELRY RASH • TERMINAL BROWSING • MAIDENLY HYSTERICS • MARROW FAILURE • PICA • RIBOFLAVIN DEFICIENCY • MEDITERRANEAN ANEMIA • AIR EMBOLISM • VASCULAR FRAGILITY • DRUG-INDUCED PLATELET DEFECTS • FELTY’S SYNDROME • BOWEL INFARCTION • TETRALOGY OF FALLOT • BUNDLE BRANCH BLOCK • SUDDEN MEGACOLON • RAYNAUD’S PHENOMENON • YOUNG ORIENTAL FEMALE DISEASE • INTESTINAL APOPLEXY • OCCLUSION AT THE BIFURCATION • MILK LEG • HOMAN’S SIGN • CONSTANT SCREAMING • TOTAL BODY HEMORRHAGING • MISSING LUNGS • EXTRA STOMACH • LARVAE IN THE STOOL • BEBOP LEGS • FOREHEAD TRANSPLANT • TUMOR ON THE BUNS • HUGE SPLEEN • CHRONIC FALLING • CYSTS ON THE WRISTS • SUDDEN TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS •

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

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Recently I came across a statistic published by the Population Reference Bureau in Washington. It stated that as of 1995 the number of people who had lived on earth was 105,472,380,169. The figure was based on the assumption that “the first two people” had emerged in 50,000 B.C. So I did a little arithmetic of my own, and I’ve concluded that as of 1995 there had been over 987 trillion bowel movements. I was very conservative: I assumed a mere thirty-year life span and only six bowel movements per week. Still, it means that at this point there have been almost 1 quadrillion human bowel movements and most of them occurred before people had anything to read. These are the kinds of thoughts that kept me from moving quickly up the corporate ladder.

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The story is that if you’re condemned to death they have to give you one last meal of your choice. What is that all about? A group of people plans to kill you, so they want you to eat something you like? Is it a joke? Do they think the food part will take your mind off the dying part? Or do they just prefer to kill you when you’re coming off a peak experience and full of positive energy?

I’m not sure what kind of sick game is going on, but what the hell, you might as well play along. Have a little fun; order a Happy Meal. Tell ’em you want to go to Hooter’s and eat on the patio.

Inform them you’ve converted to a religion that embraces cannibalism, and you’d like to eat a baby. With a small salad. I just think there’s great potential here for fun and mischief. In fact, I’m thinking that if you worked it just right you might even squeeze a little extra time out of them. Time to file a couple of hundred more frivolous appeals.