Because, as I understand it, they have to give you any meal you ask for. Not including elephant, of course. You can’t expect them to start on a whole new elephant for just one meal. But short of that, they have to give you pretty much what you want. It’s part of the humanity involved: “Let’s kill this fuck, but let’s be civil.”

So I say have a little fun; buy some time. When they ask what you want, tell them you can’t decide. That’s all there is to it. You can’t decide.

“Gee, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I want steak or lobster. I mean, I really love them both. I haven’t had lobster in quite a while, but on the other hand, I really love chicken. It’s my good luck food. And they’re both rich in protein. I just can’t figure it out.”

What can they do? Can they kill you under those circumstances? Can they go ahead and kill you if you honestly don’t know what you want for dinner? Tell them you’re willing to take a lie detector test and truth serum, but you honestly can’t decide. Can they kill you? Can they drag you down the last mile screaming, “Surf? Turf? I’m on the horns of a dilemma!” I think they’d have to give you a little more time.

Imagine if you kept it up for six months. Think of the headlines.

CONDEMNED MAN STILL ALIVE,?CAN’T DECIDE.?LEANS TOWARD LOBSTER.

Three years go by. Five. Seven. And then, finally, one morning you wake up, and it’s clear as a bell:

“All right, I’ve decided. And I don’t know why I didn’t think of this long ago. I’m going to have the lamb chops.”

“All right, lamb chops it is. And how did you want them cooked?”

“Geez, I hadn’t thought of that. Lemme see. How do I want them cooked? Listen, guys, can I get back to you?”

HUNGRY MAN EXECUTED.?DRAGGED DOWN LAST MILE?SCREAMING “MEDIUM!”

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Here’s a great idea. I think Texas should save up 500 condemned people and execute them all at once, in electric chairs. Five hundred electric chairs in a big gymnasium. Wouldn’t that be fun? I realize Texas prefers lethal injection, but maybe they could make an exception just this once. Or how about executing people five at a time on electric couches. That would be interesting. Put a coffee table in front of them with magazines and some chips and dip. It would be fun. Here’s another good idea. If a married couple kills their kid, they should be executed in an electric love seat. Force them to hug as you pull the switch.

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I don’t know about you, but I think O. J. got screwed. Double jeopardy is just plain wrong. Civil trial, my ass! It’s not fair. O. J. beat the system and he should be allowed to enjoy it. Geraldo and Charles Grodin don’t like O. J. Simpson. Geraldo and Charles Grodin deal in certitude. Guys like that almost always impress me.

I’m really glad O. J. beat the rap. Personally, I’d like to see him on TV again, doin’ commercials. There must be something he could do. Roach Motel. “They checks in, but they don’t checks out.” It would be fun. We need more fun. People get upset with all the wrong things.

Like these guys Jeffrey Dahmer and Timothy McVeigh. Right away everybody wants to kill them. Let me tell you, you don’t kill guys like that. That’s exactly what they want. You know what you do? You let them off with a warning. Just like a speeding ticket. Sometimes all a guy like that needs is a good talking-to. You sit him down, and you say, “Listen. Jeff. Nobody thinks you’re funny. Okay? No one is amused. So calm down and knock off the shit. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself. You eat one more person, and you’re in big trouble.”

A lot of these guys never hear that sort of thing. I think it would make them think twice before they cooked another person’s head and ate it. Don’t you?

Now, as to Timothy McVeigh, you’ve got a slightly different situation. After all, the guy’s a veteran, so you have to show him a little consideration. And don’t forget, it’s his first offense. So I say let him off with a warning. Throw a good scare into him: “Tim, one more trick like that, and it’s gonna mean a hefty fine.”

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Camcorders are a good example of technology gone berserk. Everywhere you go now, you see some goofy fuck with a camcorder. Everyone’s taping everything. Doesn’t anybody stop and look at things anymore? Take them in? Maybe even . . . remember them? Is that such a strange idea? Does experience really have to be documented, brought home and saved on a shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are their lives so bankrupt they sit at home watching things they already did?

These guys are so intense. And by the way, it’s always guys. They won’t let women touch the cameras; it’s a highly technical skill. Look through a hole, push on a button. Big fuckin’ skill. And they all think they’re Federico Fellini. Did you ever see them at the soccer games? With the low angles and all the zooms and pans? And it’s the same three ugly children in every shot. Same kids. Believe me, all the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate genetic configurations on the faces of these children. Do the world a favor, keep these unfortunate youngsters indoors, out of public view.

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In Rome today, Pope John Paul removed his little hat and revealed he has a small map of Tombstone, Arizona, tattooed on his head.

Out at the lake in City Park, police have arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.

Authorities say a severely disturbed geography teacher has shot and killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. He is still at large and they remind everyone the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.

A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.

A Detroit couple is suing Campbell’s soups, claiming a bowl of alphabet soup spelled out an obscene message to their children. They state that at first the little letters floated around in a circle, and then they formed the words suck my noodle.

Millionaire clothing executive Dacron Polyester died in his sleep yesterday. It was not a peaceful death, however, as he dozed off while hang-gliding.

A large dog exploded on a downtown street corner this morning. No one was killed; however, several people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that more than 600 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.

A woman in Montana was severely injured yesterday when she attempted to force-breast-feed a wolverine.

A man wearing a Have a Nice Day button was killed yesterday by a man who works at night.

The Centers for Disease Control has determined that the common cold is caused by a tall man who carries around a bag of germs.

Twenty-six people were killed this morning when two funeral processions collided. Police say the list of fatalities does not include the two people who were already dead.

The Mafia has killed an information clerk because he knew too much. His replacement, appointed today, says he has no further information.

In San Francisco, a baby has been born wearing sunglasses and holding a small can of peas.

A Milwaukee man has been arrested for the illegal use of food stamps. He was taken into custody while attempting to mail a bowl of chili to his sister.

The Bureau of Indian Affairs has announced they have located another Mohican. Accordingly, all the books are being recalled and will be changed to read: The Next to the Last of the Mohicans.