And so, our job is done. The plastic is here, we can now be phased out. And I think that’s already begun, don’t you? I mean, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat, something to be dealt with. And I’m sure it can defend itself in the manner of a large organism; the way a beehive or an ant colony would muster a defense. I’m sure the planet will think of something. What would you be thinking if you were the planet, trying to defend yourself against this pesky, troublesome species?

“Let’s see, what might I try? Hmmm! Viruses might be good; these humans seem vulnerable. And viruses are tricky, always mutating and developing new strains when new medicines or vaccines are introduced. And perhaps the first virus I try could be one that compromises their immune systems. A human immunodeficiency virus that makes them vulnerable to other infections that come along. And perhaps this virus could be spread sexually, making them reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction, further reducing their numbers.”

Well, I guess it’s a poetic notion, but it’s a start. And I can dream, can’t I?

No, folks, I don’t worry about the little things. Bees, trees, whales, snails. I don’t worry about them. I think we’re part of a much greater wisdom. Greater than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you like. I call it The Big Electron. The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, and it doesn’t judge. It just is. And so are we. For a little while. See ya.

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You know what we need? Black Jell-O.

I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So, why isn’t it legal to sell fucking? Why should it be illegal to sell something that’s legal to give away? I can’t follow the logic. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving them an orgasm is hardly the worst. In the army they give you a medal for killing people; in civilian life you go to jail for giving them orgasms. Am I missing something?

Wouldn’t it be great if you could make a guy’s head explode just by looking at him?

Guys don’t seem to be called Lefty anymore.

JOIN THE RANKS OF THE UNCLEAN.

In someone else’s house, when I sit on a warm toilet seat after seeing another person leave the bathroom, if that person was a man I’m not quite comfortable. But if it was a woman I feel just fine. Unless it was a really fat or old woman. Then it feels kind of creepy.

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

To my great disgust, the trend of naming children with what, until recently, had been considered surnames continues unabated. The latest abominations: Walker, Parker, Kendall, Flynn and McKenna. God help us.

Why aren’t there any really disturbing pop songs, like

“Tomorrow I’m Gonna Fuck Your Wife”?

If you were trying to clean up the world with a gun, you could sure do a lot worse than starting with a whole bunch of dead prosecutors.

I was thinking the other day that they ought to make those handicapped ramps a little steeper. And put a few curves in them, too. I could use some laughs.

Think of how entertaining it would be if all the people on TV still had their original teeth.

I think we ought to just go ahead and make “zillion” a real number. “Gazillion,” too. A zillion could be ten million trillions, and a gazillion could be a trillion zillions. It seems to me it’s time to do this.

A long time ago in England a guy named Thomas Culpepper was hanged, beheaded, quartered, and disemboweled. Why do I have the impression women were not involved in these activities?

I read somewhere that in Mexico City 300 tons of fecal matter are deposited in the air every day. So I guess you could say that not only does shit happen, it also falls on your head.

In Maine, in order to save energy, there are several lighthouses that are closed at night.

What’s all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I’ve been the same sex all my life, and I was married for years. No problem. What’s the big deal?

I think the best home security system of all would be one that locks the burglar inside his own house.

Sometime when you’re watching a street musician, walk over in the middle of a song and whisper to him that you don’t like his music. Then take a dollar out of his cup and walk away.

Sometime after John Denver’s airplane crashed, a sheriff on TV was speculating that a pelican had flown into the plane. He actually said, “Birds are a hazard to aircraft.” Funny, I always thought it was the other way around.

You know what’s a fun thing to do? Go through your address book every few years and cross out the dead people.

If a group of people stand around in a circle long enough, eventually they will begin to dance.

Jesus doesn’t really love you but he thinks you have a great personality.

Baseball entered its death throes when it began referring to fielding as “defense.”

Have Some Fun: Walk into a gift shop and tell them you came in to get your gift.

Sony would be real smart to come up with a combination CD player and colostomy bag called the Shitman.

May I ask what all these grown men are doing walking around with fruity-looking backpacks? You see some goofy, twenty-eight-year-old yuppie wearin’ a backpack. Like he’s out prospecting for borax. What’s in these packs that’s so important? The nuclear launch codes? It’s embarrassing. I don’t know why I’ve allowed it to go on as long as I have.

I don’t understand people who protest things in the street by walking around holding signs. I say, if you’re gonna be on the street, use the time productively. Destroy some property.

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it’s a spy satellite?

Why is it every time some celebrity gets cancer the National Enquirer says he’s “vowed to lick this thing.” Just once I’d like to hear a guy say, “I’ve got cancer, and this is it. I’ll be dead in a few months.”

Why don’t they have a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at?

Even though men are complete assholes, you know what makes me sad about feminism? Somewhere along the way we lost “Hey, toots!”

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Scientists in Switzerland announced today they have been able to make mice fart by holding them upside-down and tapping them on the stomach with a ballpoint pen.

A pair of Siamese twins in Australia, surgically separated six months ago, has been sewn back together. Apparently, each of them could remember only half the combination to their locker.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

The Nobel Prize in mathematics was awarded yesterday to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is “bleen,” which he says belongs between six and seven.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

A Swedish entomologist claims that common houseflies are highly intelligent and can be trained to fix umbrellas and dance in a circle.

Botanists in England have developed a plant that may help solve the world’s hunger problems. Although it has no food value of its own, when the plant reaches maturity it sneaks across the yard and steals food from the neighbors.

An x-ray technician at New York Hospital has died from a rare disease known as cancer-of-the-part-in-the-hair. In a desperate attempt to treat himself, twenty-eight-year-old Norris Flengkt shaved his head completely bald. Unfortunately, the cancer thought it was simply a wider part and proceeded to devour his entire skull.