J: Well, partly. I’m a member of the Trinity.

I: Yes. In fact, you’re writing a book about the Trinity.

J: That’s right, it’s called Three’s a Crowd.

I: As I understand it, it’s nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.

J: Listen, it’s not an attack, okay? It happens I don’t get along with the Holy Ghost. So I leave him alone. That’s it. What he does is his business.

I: What’s the reason?

J: Well, first of all, he’s a wise guy. Every time he shows up, he appears as somethin’ different. One day he’s a dove, another day he’s a tongue of fire. Always foolin’ around. I don’t bother with the guy. I don’t wanna know about him, I don’t wanna see him, I don’t wanna talk to him.

I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called hell?

J: Oh yeah, there’s a hell, all right. There’s also a heck. It’s not as severe as hell, but we’ve got a heck and a hell.

I: What about purgatory?

J: No, I don’t know about no purgatory. We got heaven, hell, heck, and limbo.

I: What is limbo like?

J: I don’t know. No one is allowed in. If anyone was in there it wouldn’t be limbo, it would just be another place.

I: Getting back to your previous visit, what can you tell us about the Last Supper?

J: Well, first of all, if I’da known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach. As it was, I had a little salad and some veal.

I: The crucifixion must have been terrible.

J: Oh yeah, it was awful. Unless you went through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was. And tiring. It was very, very tiring. But I think more than anything else, it was embarrassing. You know, in front of all those people, to be crucified like that. But, I guess it redeemed a lot of people. I hope so. It would be a shame to do it for no reason.

I: Were you scared?

J: Oh yeah. I was afraid it was gonna rain; I thought for sure I would get hit by lightning. One good thing, though, while I was up there I had a really good view; I could actually see my house. There’s always a bright side.

I: And then three days later you rose from the dead.

J: How’s that?

I: On Easter Sunday. You rose from the dead, didn’t you?

J: Not that I know of. I think I would remember something like that. I do remember sleeping a long time after the crucifixion. Like I said, it was very tiring. I think what mighta happened was I passed out, and they thought I was dead. We didn’t have such good medical people in those days. It was mostly volunteers.

I: And, according to the Bible, forty days later you ascended into heaven.

J: Pulleys! Ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon came up with a great harness thing that went under my toga. You couldn’t see it at all. Since that day, I been in Heaven, and, all in all, I would have to say that while I was down here I had a really good time. Except for the suffering.

I: And what do you think about Christianity today?

J: Well, I’m a little embarrassed by it. I wish they would take my name off it. If I had the whole thing to do over, I would probably start one of those Eastern religions like Buddha. Buddha was smart. That’s how come he’s laughing.

I: You wouldn’t want to be a Christian?

J: No, I wouldn’t want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto some wood. Especially if it’s me. Buddha’s laughing, meanwhile I’m on the cross.

I: I have a few more questions, do you mind?

J: Hey, be my guest, how often do I get here?

I: Are there really angels?

J: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago we had millions of them. Today you can’t get the young people to join. It got too dangerous with all the radar and heat-seeking missiles.

I: What about guardian angels? Are there such things?

J: Yes, we still have guardian angels, but now, with the population explosion, it’s one angel for every six people. Years ago everybody had his own angel.

I: Do you really answer prayers?

J: No. First of all, what with sun spots and radio interference, a lot of them don’t even get through. And between you and me, we just don’t have the staff to handle the workload anymore. In the old days we took pride in answering every single prayer, but like I said, there were less people. And in those days people prayed for something simple, to light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. But today you got people praying for hockey teams, for longer fingernails, to lose weight. We just can’t keep up.

I: Well, I think we’re about out of time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.

J: Hey, no sweat.

I: Do you have any words of advice?

J: You mean like how to remove chewing gum from a suede garment? Something like that?

I: No, I mean spiritual advice.

J: Well, I don’t know how spiritual it is, but I’d say one thing is don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

I: Well, thank you, Jesus, and good night.

J: Well, good night, thanks for having me on here today. And by the way, in case anyone is interested, bell-bottoms will be coming back in the year 2015. Ciao.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-23” ??I WISH I HAD MY MONEY BACK ?

Do you ever wonder who empties the wishing wells? That’s our money. I’ve never received an accounting. It’s just gone. Someone, apparently, is emptying the wishing wells and keeping the money. And I’m wondering whether or not that cancels out the wishes. Suppose it’s a wish that takes time to come true. Like if you wish some friend of yours would develop cancer. That takes time. How can it come true if your nickel has already been rolled in a wrapper and deposited in a bank?

And when does this coin retrieval take place? I’m sure they don’t do it on Sunday afternoon as some little girl is tossing in a penny, wishing for her daddy to come back from heaven. No, they probably do it at three in the morning, wearing black T-shirts and ski masks. I think this has gone far enough. I want to know what’s going on. My friend is still perfectly healthy, and I’m concerned.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-24” ??Punk Bands I Have Known ?

Tower of Swine

Room in My Shorts

Mary Krenwinkle’s Revenge

Sphincter Hoedown

Basket of Fire

Trees for Lunch

Glandular Imbalance

A Fine Way to Die

Let’s Pull Our Eyes Out

Sewer Transaction

Cosmic Groin Pull

Pudding Disease

A Rare Twinkie

Rubber Thoughts

Vaginal Spotting

The Note Fuckers

Puke All Night

Anal Lace

Gorilla Tits

Harmony Sucks

Warts, Waffles and Walter

Mess-Kit Germ Colony

Hideous Infant

Clots on the Move

Systematic Rejection

The Stillborn

Household Pest

Breach of the Peace

Thankless Child

Persistent Rain

Days of Doubt

Sack of Shit

Hole in My Scrotum

Ed, Formerly Don

Cocaine Snot Groove

Hilda Fucks

Waitress Sweat

Infected Mole

This Band Needs Practice

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-25” ??A CAT IS NOT A DOG ?

Most people understand that cats are completely different from dogs, and generally they like them for different reasons. One quality people like in cats is their independence; they appreciate a pet who can take care of himself. “I never have to do a thing. He cleans his room, makes his own clothing, and drives himself to work.”

Unlike dogs, who are needy and dependent, and who like you merely because you know where the food is located, cats don’t get all hung up on fake affection. They don’t go nuts and slobber all over you when you come home, the way a dog does. They parcel out a certain limited amount of physical affection from time to time, but it probably has more to do with static electricity than anything else.