“What kindness! How can I thank you? I have faced death this day and have only been saved by your timely actions!” “All I did was open the door. Sir Hector,” he said, dismissing this brave action as a mere bagatelle. He biinked rheumy eyes in my direction. “But sit, I pray you, have a drop of 94 brandy. Then tell me everything. I had only a brief note from the marqu6z asking me to admit you. He said you would explain.” I did. While schnozzling into the excellent brandy. Of course, I simplified the story in the telling, but the events pretty much followed those that had happened the day before. The duke’s eyes widened at my tale, and he trembled and gasped so hard I was worried for him. But he lasted the course and the story so impressed him that he joined me in a brandy.

“Terrible! Terrible! Zapilote must be done away with once and for all. But how is my dear fourth cousin thirteen times removed?” It was my turn to hobble my head, until I finally realized that he must have meant the marquez; I wondered how they kept track of the family connections.

“I don’t know. That is where you must help me. If I write the message will you send it on the semaphore?” “Oh dear, instantly of course. I will call my operator.” While he tingled his little bell and issued instructions I scratched out a concise query I AM SAFE IN CASTLE PENOSO. WHAT IS CONDITION OF MARQUEZ, JAMES AND BOLIVAR?

SIR HECTOR HARAPO The duke nodded over the slip of paper and handed it to his operator who hurried off: no long stair climbs for the duke. All we could do then was wait. I made free use of the brandy decanter. When the answer finally arrived I tore it from the operator’s fingers, then grated my teeth when I saw that it was still in code.

I paced and muttered while the duke clicked his little wheels and nattered cabalistically to himself. When he finally turned around with the decoded message I was there, behind him, leaning over his shoulder, unmindful of any breach of etiquette. Had they made it through to the castle? I could feel the tension draining away as I read.

MARQU~ZZ RESPONDING WELL TO MEDICAL ATTENTION. BOLIVAR AND JAMES UNHARMED. PLEASE ISSUE ORDERS.

I ATW HAHipn All was well! The boys had done their job and brought de Torres home. I had seen the medical setup in the castle so I knew that once the doctors and machines had pounced on him he would be all right. And Angelina had taken over in my absence. I could now afford to relax. And I did. By pouring another brandy.

“Good news indeed,” the duke quavered. “What will your next course of action be?” “A careful one. We were lucky to get out alive, walking into the lion’s den like that. We won’t let that happen again. This campaign must be planned step by step, run like a military operation. Whenever I, and the marquez, appear in public we are going to be guarded like the crown jewels.” “Yes, the crown jewels. What a tragedy. I remember it like yesterday, when Zapilote had just taken office.” Yesterday? That was a good hundred and seventy-five years ago! The General-President wasn’t the only one on geriatric drugs. “He promised a rule of law and like fools we believed him. I’ll guard the crown jewels he said. Never been seen since. Must have sold them, I know his type...” He rambled on some more like this and I tuned out. What was the next step? Getting out of Primoroso and back to the safety of the castle would be a good beginning. But how? I could think of nothing, my mind was empty, my limbs fatigued. I was also half-smashed on the brandy, which might have had something to do with my lack of inspiration. But there must be a special law of destiny that looks after stainless steel rats and other miscreants. Because at that very moment, while I and the duke were both muttering to ourselves through the brandy fumes, salvation was on its way. In the form of a timid knock on the door, repeated again when there was no response.

“Eh, what?” the duke said, rousing from his senile alcoholic revery. “Come in, come in.” The door to the study trembled open and the butler, old enough to be the duke’s father, stumbled through.

“It is not my wish to disturb Your Grace,” he tremoloed in fine imitation of his master, “but today is Thursday.” “Is there any particular reason why you are giving me this report on the calendar?” the duke asked, head hobbling in wonderment.

“Yes, Your Grace. You ordered me to inform you of this fact every Thursday at least a half an hour before they arrived.” “Merdal” His Grace snarled quite gracefully, his rictus of anger revealing a fine set of artificial white choppers. “They’ll be here soon.” “They?” I shook my head, feeling I had missed something important.

“Every Thursday. Can’t avoid it. Government order. And the fees go against taxes. Tour of noble homes. Filthy offworld tourists trampling through these hallowed halls made sacred by generations ofPenosos...” There was more like this-but I wasn’t listening. Tourists! Here! All fatigue and most of the effects of the brandy vanished on the instant. Escape from my predicament had just been offered to me on a gilded platter. The silver bell was on the table and I tinkled it loudly, which brought both the attention of the duke and the return of the butler.

“Do I understand that you will soon have oafish oflworld tourists shambling through this castle?” “Indeed, Sir Hector. What terrible times these are, “ “They certainly are. How many will there be in the party?” “There is usually a coach-load from Puerto Azul. Between forty and fifty.” “Invasion of proletarians,” the duke adumbrated.

“What precautions do you take to see that they don’t lift the ducal silver and paw the paintings?” “A number of footmen accompany the party at all times.” “Made to order,” I chortled, rubbing my hands together briskly as I turned to the duke. “Might I enlist the aid of your staff to assist me in departing this fine castle without drawing any police attention?” “Of course, anything for the next President of ParaisoAqui.” He lurched to his feet and placed his hand over his heart, then nodded to the butler who did the same.

“To the next President of Paraiso-aqui,” they intoned fervently and I bowed my head at the honor. This little ceremony over with, they were more than ready to help.

“One question first.” Their gray heads nodded eagerly. “Is there a secret passage leading out of this castle?” “There is a secret passage leading out of every castle!” the duke said, startled at my ignorance. “Ours comes up in a building across the road. Dug by the third duke. Used to be a brothel there.” He smiled faintly, perhaps trying to remember what girls were like.

“Excellent. Then here is my plan. A footman’s uniform will be obtained for me and I will don it. I will then accompany the tourists and choose one to replace. It will be a simple matter for me to then exit with the tourists whose presence will guarantee my safety.” “But your clothes...” the duke protested. “I’ll use the tourist’s clothes.” “Your beard?” “Will be shaved off.” By this time the duke had caught on to the idea and was cackling with glee. “How intelligent you are. Hector. You were so stupid as a child I never believed you would ever stop drooling. And the secret passage, of course, we use that to dump the tourist’s body into a refuse barrel.” “No bodies!” I said sharply. “If the tourist is killed the investigation will surely reveal that he vanished here. There can be no suspicion. I’ll give the man an injection that will affect his memory. When the police find him wandering around, smelling strongly of ron, which I’m sure you can arrange, he will remember nothing of the events of this day. In addition to sloshing him with cheap booze you will also stuff this wad of money into his pocket so there will be no suspicion of robbery. The authorities will laugh and return him to the resort and that will be the end of it.” “I wish we could kill somebody,” the duke pouted.