Two months after this I met Nelly on the pave and went home with her. She said she'd been to see her mother. I'm sure that was false, but never got the truth. She now was in better lodgings, and had got very tidy furniture in them. As I believed she was very poor when she so suddenly disappeared, this added to the wonder. I told her I'd fucked the tailor's daughter. — “I thought Frances would have it before long,” said she.
The year beginning in the previous November with the lady of my silver watch, had more amorous incidents in it than usual, more narrative worth telling.
One night soon after this, I met at the A*g**e rooms H*l*n M***w**d and was struck with her instantly. My experienced eye and well trained judgment in women, as well as my instincts, told me what was beneath her petticoats and I was not deceived. I have had many splendid women in my time, but never a more splendid perfect beauty, in all respects. Of full but not great height, with the loveliest shade of chestnut hair of great growth, she had eyes in which gray, green and hazel were indescribably blended with an expression of supreme voluptuousness in them, yet without baudiness or salacity, and capable of any play of expression. A delicate, slight retrousse nose, the face a pure oval, a skin and complexion of a most perfect tint and transparency, such was H*l*n M. Nothing was more exquisite than her whole head, tho her teeth were wanting in brilliancy, — but they were fairly good and not discoloured.
She had lovely cambered feet, perfect to their toes; thighs meeting from her cunt to knees and exquisite in their columnar beauty; big, dimpled haunches, a small waist, full firm breasts, small hands, arms of perfect shape in their full roundness. Every where her flesh was of a very delicate creamy tint, and was smooth to perfection. Alabaster or ivory, were not more delicious to the touch, than her flesh was every where from her cheeks to her toes.
Short, thick, crisp yet silky brown hair covered the lower part of her motte, at that time only creeping down by the side of the cunt lips, but leaving the lips free, near to at her bumhole, a lovely little clitoris, a mere button, topped her belly rift, the nymphae were thin, small, and delicate. The mouth of the vulva was small, the avenue tight yet exclusively elastic, and as she laid on her back and opened her thighs, it was an exquisite, youthful, pink cunt, a voluptuous sight which would have stiffened the prick of a dying man.
Her deportment was good, her carriage upright but easy, the undulations of her body in movement voluptuous, and fascinating; every thing, every movement was graceful; even when she sat down to piss it was so — and taking her altogether, she was one of the most exquisite creatures God ever created to give enjoyment to man — with all this grace, and rich, full, yet delicate of frame, she was a strong, powerful woman, and had the sweetest voice — it was music.
I saw much of this in her at a glance, and more completely as she undressed. Then the sweetest smell as if of new milk, or of almonds escaped from her, and the instant she laid down I rushed lasciviously on her cunt, licked and sucked it with a delight that was maddening. I could have eaten it. Never had I experienced such exquisite delight in gamahuching a woman. Scarcely ever have I gamahuched a gay woman on first acquaintance, and generally never gamahuched them at all.
As I went home with her in a cab I had attempted a few liberties, but she repulsed them. — “Wait till we get home, I won't have them in a cab.” — Directly we arrived I asked what her compliment was to be. — No she had never less than a fiver. — “Why did you not tell me so, and I would not have brought you away. — What I give is two sovereigns, here is the money, I am sorry I have wasted your time” — and was going. — “Stop,” said she — “don't go yet!” — I looked in my purse and gave her what I could — it was a little more than the sum I'd named — and promised to bring her the remainder of a fiver another day. Then I fucked her. — “Don't be in such a hurry,” I said, for she moved her cunt as women either do when very randy, or wishing to get rid of a man. That annoyed me, but oh my God my delight as I shed my sperm into that beautiful cunt, and kissed and smelt that divine body, and looked into those voluptuous eyes. I had at once a love as well as lust for her, as my prick throbbed out its essence against her womb. — But she had no pleasure with me. — She was annoyed and in a hurry, she had another man waiting in another room in the house to have her — as she has told me since.
What was in this woman — what the specific attraction, I cannot say, but she made me desire to open my heart to her, and I told rapidly of my amatory tricks, my most erotic letches, my most blamable (if any be so) lusts; things I had kept to myself, things never yet disclosed to other women, I told her rapidly. I felt as if I must, as if it were my destiny to tell her all, all I had done with women and men, all I wished to do with her, it was a vomit of lascivious disclosures. I emptied myself body and soul into her. She listened and seemed annoyed. She did not like me.
Nor did she believe me. Two days afterwards, I took her the promised money, she had not expected it, and then deigned to ask if she should see me again. No. She was far too expensive for me — not that she was not worth it all. — Yea more — but blood could not be got out of a stone. — I had not the money and could see her no more. — “All right,” she replied very composedly and we parted. As I tore myself away, my heart ached for that beautiful form, again to see, smell, to kiss, and suck, and fuck that delicious cunt, to give her pleasure if I could. Tho I saw her afterwards at the A*g**e rooms — even went to look at her there, I resisted. — What helped me was the belief that I was distasteful to her, why I could not tell, and a year elapsed before I clasped her charms again.
On leaving her that day, I could think of nothing but her, went to a woman I knew, and shut my eyes whilst I fucked her, fancying she was H*l*n M. — “You call me H*l*n,” said she. “You know a woman of that name I suppose,” — I told her it was the name of my sister. Not the only time the same thing has happened to me, and in exactly the same manner with other ladies when fucking them, but thinking of another.
When I had her again she was in even more complete beauty, had more hair on her motte, and a thick tuft just above the opening of the notch. — Her limbs were larger and finer. I was frank, told her what money I could afford, that I never lied nor broke my word to women. She I think began to believe me, but it's difficult to gauge the depths of a gay woman, and difficult for any woman who has been gay long, to believe any man. — But things were changing, I began to see her for my pleasures, and her only — if I had an occasional letch, a chance fuck with another, I nearly always told her, but that was after I had known her a year or so. — If she then asked what I did not wish to tell, I said I should tell a lie or be silent. — So our meetings were pleasant, and I revelled in her beauty, and tho no longer young, have many a time fucked her thrice with-in an hour. — Then she began to spend with and enjoy me, which added to my delight; for in later years, giving pleasure to the woman is almost as great a pleasure to me, as my physical delight in her.
But she would not for long afterwards lend herself to my erotic fancies. She had them in her head, in her mind, in her imagination, and wished for many — I believed most. — She was lewed and voluptuous from only granting a few of my wishes from time to time as the greatest favour. Yet she longed for them at the very time she refused, and in the night and morning by herself in bed, practised them all mentally, her imagination filled with baudy images, whilst with her pretty fingers she frigged her delicate clitoris, for she was sensuousness itself, and a masturbatrix from her child-hood. It was only after I had known her three or four years, and she'd disclosed involuntarily almost in our voluptuous conversations the secret desires of her nature, that she practised with me the frolics she never had done with any other man. — Then we studied lasciviousness in all its varities, for I had conquered all ridiculous ideas she had had as to the sinful usage of her body — of the wrongfulness, of the shame in certain sexual acts. — She agreed with me that cunt, prick, and arsehole, mouth, armpits, feet and fingers, and all parts of the body, men and women might use to give themselves sexual pleasure, and endear themselves to each other — that nothing they did to each other was wrong, that their doings concerned themselves alone, that all sexual instincts were both proper and natural to gratify.