Chapter Fourteen:
"Relax, Julie. Everyone will understand."
—ROMEO
FORTUNATELY, Massha's elevated position during our
flight had given her an excellent view of our surround-
ings, and we were able to find our way back to the
Dispatcher's without being discovered by the aroused
populace. Now that our numbers had increased, how-
ever, Vilhelm's greeting was noticeably cooler.
"I'm starting to believe what everybody says," the
little vampire complained. "Let one demon in, and the
next thing you know the neighborhood's crawling with
them. When I decided to talk to you folks instead of
blowing the whistle on you, I didn't figure on turning
my office into a meeting place for off-worlders."
"C'mon, Vilhelm," I said, trying to edge my foot
into the doorway. "We don't have any place else to go
in town. There aren't that many of us."
"We could always just wait out on the street until the
authorities come by," Aahz suggested. "I don't imagine
it would take much to convince them that this guy has
been harboring fugitives."
121
122 Robert Asprin
"Can it. Green and Scaly," Massha ordered, puffing
herself up to twice her normal size. "Vilhelm's been nice
to us so far. and I won't listen to anyone threaten him,
even you. Just remember that you'd still be cooling your
heels in the slammer if it weren't for him. Either he
helps of his own free will, or we look elsewhere."
Aahz gave ground before her righteous indignation.
"Are you going to let your apprentice talk to me that
way? "he demanded.
"Only when she's right." I shrugged.
"I say, Aahz," Chumley intervened. "Could you
possibly curb your normally vile manners for a few mo-
ments? We don't really need one more enemy in this di-
mension, and I, for one, would appreciate the chance to
extend my thanks to this gentleman before he throws us
out."
When he's working, Chumley goes by the name of
Big Crunch and does a Neanderthal that's the envy of
half the barbarians at the Bazaar. On his own time,
however, his polished charm has solved a lot of prob-
lems for us ... almost as many as Aahz's bluster has
gotten us into.
"Oh, come on in," the Dispatcher grumbled. "Enter
freely and of your own accord and all that. I never could
turn my back on somebody in trouble. Guess that's why
I've never traveled the other dimensions myself. They'd
eat me alive out there."
"Thanks, Vilhelm," I said, slipping past him into the
office before he could change his mind. "You'll have
to forgive my partner. He really isn't always like this.
Being on death row hasn't done much for his sense of
humor."
"I guess I'm a little edgy myself," the vampire ad-
mitted. "Strange as it sounds, I've been worried about
you folks... and your motor-mouthed friend who's
been keeping me company hasn't helped things much."
MYTH-ING PERSONS 123
I did a quick nose count of our troop.
"Wait a minute," I frowned. "Who's been waiting
for us?"
Now it was Vilhelm's turn to look surprised.
"Didn't one of you send out for a werewolf? He said
he was with you."
"Aahh! But I am! My friends, they do not know me
yet, but I shall be their salvation, no?"
With that, I was overwhelmed by a shaggy rug. Well,
at least that's what I thought until it came off the floor
and threw itself into my arms with the enthusiasm of a
puppy ... a very large puppy.
"What's that?!." Aahz said, his eyes narrowing dan-
gerously. "Skeeve, can't I leave you alone for a few
days without you picking up every stray in any given di-
mension?"
"That," in this case, was one of the scroffiest-look-
ing werewolves I'd ever seen... realizing, of course,
that until this moment I'd only seen two. He had dark
bushy eyebrows (if you'll believe that on a werewolf)
and wore a white stocking cap with a maple leaf on the
side. His whiskers were carefully groomed into a han-
dlebar mustache, and what might have been a goatee
peered from beneath his chin. Actually, viewed piece-
meal, he was very well-groomed. It's just when taken in
its entirety that he looked scroffy. Maybe it was the
leer... .
"Honest, Aahz," I protested, trying to untangle
myself. "I've never seen him before in my life!"
"Oh, but forgive me," the beast said, releasing me so
suddenly I almost fell. "I am so stupeed, I forget to in-
troduce. So! I am an artist extraordinaire, but also, I am
ze finest track-air in ze land. My friends, the Woof
Writers, they have told me of your pro-blem and I have
flown like ze wind to aid you. No? I am Pepe Le Garou
A. and I am at your service."
124
MYTH-ING PERSONS 125
Robert Asprin
With that, he swept into a low bow with a flourish
that if I hadn't been so flabbergasted I would have ap-
plauded. It occurred to me that now I knew why the
Woof Writers had snickered when they told us they
knew of someone who could help.
"Boss," Guido said, his voice muffled by his hand,
which he was holding over his nose and mouth. "Shall I
wait outside?"
Tananda cocked an eyebrow at him.
"Allergy problems? Here, try some of this. No
dimension traveler should be without it."
She produced a small vial and tossed it to my
bodyguard. "Rub some onto your upper lip just below
your nose."
"Gee, thanks," Guido said, following her instruc-
tions. "What is it?"
"It's a counter-allergenic paste." She shrugged. "I
think it has a garlic base."
"WHAT?" my bodyguard exclaimed, dropping the
vial.
Tananda favored him with one of her impish grins.
"Just kidding. Nunzio was worried about you and
told us about your allergies ... all of them."
Her brother swatted her lightly on the rump.
"Shame on you, little sister," he said, smiling in spite
of himself. "After you get done apologizing to Guido, I
suggest you do the same for our host. I think you nearly
gave him a heart attack with that last little joke."
This was, of course, just what I needed while stranded
in a hostile dimension. A nervous vampire, a melo-
dramatic werewolf, and now my teammates decide it's
time to play practical jokes on each other.
"Ummm... tell me, Mr. A.," I said, ignoring my
other problems and turning to the werewolf. "Do you
think you can...."
"No, non," he interrupted. "Eet is simply Pepe, eh?"
"Pepe A.," I repeated dutifully.
"Zat's right," he beamed, apparently delighted with
my ability to learn a simple phrase. "Now, before we
... how you say, get down to ze business, would you do
me ze hon-air of introducing me to your colleagues?"
"Oh. Sorry. This is my partner, Aahz. He's...."
"But of course! Ze famous Aahz! I have so long
wished to meet you."
If there's anything that can coax Aahz out of a bad
mood, it's flattery... and Pepe seemed to be an expert
in that category.
"You've heard of me?" he blinked. "I mean...
what exactly have you heard? There have been so many
adventures over the years."
"Do you not remem-bair Piere? I was raised from a
pup on his tales of your fight with Isstvan."
"Piere? You know Piere?"
"Do I know him? He is my uncle!"
"No kidding. Hey, Tananda! Did you hear that?
Pepe here's Piere's nephew. Wait'11 we tell Gus."
I retired from the conversation, apparently forgotten
in the reunion.
"Say, Skeeve," Vilhelm said, appearing at my side.
"It looks like this could take a while. Should I break out
the wine?"
That got my attention.
"Wine? You've got wine?"
"Stocked up on it after your last visit," the vampire
admitted with a grin. "Figured it might come in handy
the next time you came through. I may gripe a bit, but
talking to you and your friends is a lot more fun than
watching the tubes."
"Well bring it out... but I get the first glass. Unless
you've got lots there won't be much left after my part-
ner there gets his claws on it."
I turned back to the proceedings just in time to see
126 Robert Asprin
Pepe kissing my apprentice's hand.
"Do not be afraid, my little flow-air," he was saying.
"Here is one who truly appreciates your beauty, as well
as ... how should I say it, its quantity?"
"You're kinda cute," Massha giggled. "But I never
did go in much for inter-species dating, if you get my
drift."
I caught Aahz's attention and drew him away from
the group.
"Could you take over for a while here, partner?" I
said. "I've been running nonstop since the start of this
thing and could use a little time by myself to recharge
my batteries before we fire up again."
"No problem," he nodded, laying a hand on my
shoulder. "I figure we won't be moving before sunup
... and Skeeve? I haven't had a chance to say it, but
thanks for the bail-out."
"Don't mention it," I grinned weakly. "Tell me you
wouldn't do the same for me."
"Don't know," he retorted. "You've never sucker-
punched me at the beginning of a caper."
"Now that I still owe you for."
Just then, Vilhelm appeared with the wine, and Aahz
hurried away to rejoin the group.
I managed to snag a goblet and retired to a secluded