“We’re okay,” Ben assured him as he sat on the bed. Samson blinked at them sleepily, before continuing his nap.

“No, we’re not,” Jace said. He wouldn’t let go of Ben’s hand. He pulled him down, wrapping Ben’s arm tightly around himself so they were pressed together.

“What’s going on?” Ben asked. He could feel Jace’s heart thudding against his arm.

“My head hurts,” Jace swallowed back tears. “Just like last time.”

Ben tried to get up but Jace wouldn’t release him.

“Just stay with me,” Jace pleaded. “It was a miracle I made it last time. I’m not going to again.”

“You don’t know that!” Ben pleaded.

“You know the statistics as well as I do.”

Only fifty percent survive an aneurysm. Of those only another fifty percent survive the surgery, and the chances of making a full recovery without complications were even slimmer. Ben had repeated those facts in his head over and over again. He could only imagine how often Jace had.

“Please, I don’t want us to argue, not now, and I don’t want to die in a hospital.”

“Jace.”

“Please do this for me. I love you, Ben.”

Ben held him and kissed him, and told him a hundred times how much he loved him. He didn’t stop, even when Jace’s breath became ragged. He held him until his body ached with discomfort and his stomach grumbled with hunger, long after Jace had stopped breathing. When the last of the light had left the room, Ben took Samson and shut the door behind him.

* * * * *

That the sun still rose the next morning was incredibly unjust. Someone good had died. People still woke up, had breakfast, went to work, and it was wrong. Flower petals still opened in the sun’s early light, and animals still grazed the day away, their minds untroubled. Someone good had died and the world had the audacity to move on.

Ben refused to. He no longer ate, and when he drank it wasn’t to give his body nutrition. He didn’t read, he didn’t watch TV, he didn’t entertain himself. He didn’t work, shower, or clean the house. The only task he allowed himself was making the necessary arrangements for Jace’s body, and even that was quickly taken over by Allison when she discovered the state he was in.

Ben knew he would die of a broken heart long before the funeral. If he didn’t, he would find another way to be with Jace again, no matter how extreme. Ben had never given much thought to the afterlife, but now it was his obsession. If he could get there, they could be reunited.

Three days after Jace’s death, Ben realized he hadn’t fed Samson. Everything had been forgotten in his grief, but the cat’s yowling could no longer be ignored. He wavered uncertainly before opening the can of cat food. What was to become of Samson? Who would take care of him after Ben was gone? Someone would, surely, but what if he was unwanted or mistreated? Jace had loved Samson more than anything and wouldn’t want to see him with strangers. What was Ben going to do, kill the cat before he killed himself?

Samson began meowing desperately as Ben tried to make up his mind. The cat had been aloof and unhappy the last couple of days, but obviously he still wanted to eat. Ben opened the can, his mouth watering at the smell. Hunger hit him hard, causing his stomach to cramp and his head to swim. He scooped the food out onto a plate on the floor before opening the cupboard and grabbing a loaf of white bread.

He shoved a piece into his mouth. The flavor was exquisite. After seventy-two hours of not eating, he thought the spongy slice of bread a meal fit for a king. Ben didn’t think about what he had done until he swallowed. He, like the rest of the world, had decided to go on, and the thought made him cry.

Ben promised himself to never stop hurting, to never let the pain leave him. He would ache inside and out, just as much as he did today, never letting it fade. He would never allow anyone to believe he was okay. Time would never heal his wounds. More than anything, he promised himself he would never love again.

__________

Epilogue:

Austin, 2008

__________

Chapter 28

The doorbell rang again, sounding more mechanically grumpy than it had the first two times.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!”

Ben stumbled for the door, kicking off the shoe that he had been putting on. He expected a late-night package delivery or someone handing out religious pamphlets as he opened the door. Instead he found an elegant woman wearing a black sequined dress and a hairstyle complex enough to puzzle M.C. Escher.

“How do I look?” Allison said, gesturing over her body like a showroom girl selling herself.

“Fabulous, but since when do you ring the doorbell?” Ben asked. “ The door wasn’t locked and you have a key anyway.”

“We have to conduct ourselves properly,” Allison said in her best English accent as she glided into the house. “We are on a date, you know.”

“Well, I still need to get my shoes on and check my hair.” Ben found one shoe in the hall before searching the living room for the other. “Jesus, you look good,” he said, eyeing Allison as he tied his laces. “I think I might be underdressed.”

“Hm,” Allison considered him over eyelashes that were longer than they’d been the day before. “Do you still have that grey sports jacket?”

“I think it’s clean, yeah. But grey with a pink dress shirt? Isn’t that kind of eighties?”

“You can pull it off, and there will be more colorfully dressed people where we are going.”

“I wish you would tell me where that is,” Ben complained.

“But that would ruin our secret romantic mystery date!”

“Stop calling it that,” Ben scolded.

“I need a date!” Allison pouted. “They never seem to happen when you’re married.”

“Take that up with Brian,” Ben said as he ducked into the bedroom to find his jacket.

“You could use a date too, you know,” Allison said when he returned. “It’s been two years,” she added as delicately as possible.

Ben shrugged in his jacket, trying to make it sit right on his shoulders. He stopped suddenly and fixed Allison with a stare. “That’s not what you’re doing, is it?”

“What?” Allison asked a bit too casually.

“No,” Ben said, beginning to take the jacket off. “Forget it, then.”

Allison rolled her eyes. “I’m not fixing you up with anyone.”

“No blind date?”

“Not blind, deaf, amputated, or anything else. It’s just me and you going out for a night on the town. Promise.”

Ben eyed her a moment longer before feeling satisfied. He glanced over at the framed photo of Jace on the end table. The full-length shot showed Jace sharply dressed in his flight attendant uniform, every detail immaculate from the white starched collar down to his pointed shoes.

Ben smiled. He had grown tired of Jace’s name being synonymous with sorrow. No longer would he tarnish his memory. Jace had gone out of his way to make him happy and it wouldn’t please him to see Ben moping around. The memories they had made together were all that was left, and these days Ben tried his best to find joy in them.

“Ready?” Allison prompted.

“Yup.”

The roles were a bit reversed for a traditional date. Not only was Allison driving, but she was also paying. Ben had been happy to oblige since he was perpetually strapped for cash these days. A meal out anywhere was appreciated, but he was nevertheless taken aback by her choice of dining establishment.