If Ben had felt old when meeting Ryan, he felt positively ancient as he navigated a sea of intoxicated teenagers. With Tim in tow, he felt like they were a pair of angry parents who had come home early from their vacation. A few recognized Tim, but their expressions were amused rather than ashamed, even those who were still laughing over the broken window and the potted plant that had been thrown through it. They had no respect for Tim, and that made Ben all the more incensed.

Once he had battled his way to the living room, stepping over a pile of puke on the way, Ben ripped the heart of the party out by unplugging the stereo. A number of loud complaints followed, but one was louder than the others.

“What the hell is he doing here?”

The crowd parted for Ryan, whose skin was pale and sweaty. From the way his pupils were dilated, it was safe to assume he was on something.

“I’m here with my boyfriend,” Ben said, reaching over to take Tim’s hand.

Ryan barred his teeth like an animal. Ben had never seen anyone actually do that, but Ryan’s fury was so intense he was shaking. He shouted something unintelligible that might have been “I’ll kill you!” before charging toward them. Tim tensed up, ready to defend Ben, which would only escalate into violence. Ben didn’t want that, so he placed a hand on Tim’s face and turned it toward him.

And then Ben kissed him.

His newly discovered acting skills weren’t needed for this. As it had always been, the emotions he felt for Tim weren’t far below the surface. From the way Tim reacted, he felt the same way. The room went silent as every person there witnessed a kiss worthy of the big screen. The silence was broken when Ryan began sobbing.

Ben pulled away from Tim and saw the pain on Ryan’s face. The kiss had convinced Ryan that Ben and Tim were in love, and the kid was too young and stupid to realize that Tim also loved him, that emotions like these never went away completely. Ben felt sorry for him, but he didn’t dare show that now.

“I’m moving in,” Ben said. “Tim asked me to. You are leaving and never coming back. All of you,” he said loud enough to be heard.

Nobody moved.

“I called the cops.”

People began to stir.

“And they are bringing drug dogs.”

That did it. The party goers fled, and within minutes, everyone was gone except Ryan, who was beginning to tremble with anger again.

“I’ll kill myself,” he said. “I swear to God I will.”

Ben opened his mouth to retort, but it was Tim who spoke.

“No, you won’t, Ryan. I know you won’t, because you’re too much of a coward. You’ve been running away since the day I met you, away from your family’s disapproval, away from the one person who loves you, but most of all you’ve been trying to escape from yourself. I was once that cowardly, and you still are.”

“I overdosed!” Ryan reminded him.

“And I was there holding your hand in the hospital as they pumped your stomach. When I told you that you almost died, you cried. I thought there was still hope for you then, but I’ve seen you almost overdose every night since. I don’t know how to fix you, Ryan, I wish I did, but it’s not going to be my money that helps destroy you. Not anymore.”

Ryan tried to argue further, but Tim wouldn’t have it. Ben stepped back and let him deal with everything as Ryan unwillingly packed his bags. Tim called a taxi to take him home, and Ryan began to beg, but Tim stood strong. Only after the taxi turned down the street did Tim’s shoulders slump.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Tim answered, throwing his full weight into a hug that almost knocked Ben off his feet. “You always know how to make things right,” he murmured into Ben’s neck. “I’m a mess without you.”

“I’m awesome, I know,” Ben said, detangling himself. “I’m also in trouble. Jace is going to give me hell when he finds out I kissed you, no matter what the reason. You are going to make all my suffering worth it by never seeing Ryan again, aren’t you?”

Tim nodded. “Since you’re going to be in trouble anyway--”

He stepped close, but Ben pushed him away and they both began laughing. Face lit up with a smile, Tim looked more like his old self again.

* * * * *

What should have followed, Ben felt, was a long-lasting relationship that finally allowed them to be friends. This utopia did exist for a brief moment. They saw each other regularly, Jace often joining them, and things were simple. But then the feelings between them began to stir. They both felt it. Sometimes their gazes locked for too long; other times they found excuses to be closer to each other than necessary. Hugs became too intimate, Ben breathing in his scent or Tim rubbing his nose lovingly against his neck.

The decision was hard to make, but it had to be done. Ben showed up at his door in the middle of the night. Tim was sitting on the front steps, as if he had been expecting him.

“You’re either here to do something that you really shouldn’t,” Tim said, “or you came to say good-bye.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben said. “I wish we could just be friends.”

“No, you don’t.” Tim smiled sadly. “That’s the problem, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Ben wanted to reach out to him, to hug him at least, but he didn’t even trust himself to do that anymore.

Tim took a deep breath. “You think we would have made it? Say we never had the cops chasing us that night, that we kept on going. Do you think we’d still be together today?”

Ben thought about it, but it was hard to imagine his life without Jace anymore and impossible to transpose Tim into all the memories he and Jace had made together. But for a moment, he could picture more nights of sneaking into Tim’s bedroom, the relief they would have felt when they moved away to college, and how those liberal years would have finally allowed them to be everything that he had once dreamt of.

Ben swallowed. “I have to go.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do without you, Benjamin. I don’t have anything left.”

“You do too.”

“Did I tell you that I came out to my parents?”

“No.” The lump wouldn’t leave Ben’s throat. Little by little, Tim had always tried to please him.

“Yeah. They weren’t thrilled. If they were distant before--” Tim shook his head.

“They’ll get over it,” Ben said. “And if they don’t, then they can fuck themselves.”

Tim smiled.

“Don’t go back to Ryan. You don’t need him. Or me. Or anyone else for that matter.”

“I’ve always needed you,” Tim disagreed.

“You might want us, but you don’t need us. You said I bring out the best in you, but all those wonderful things were already there, even before I came along. Live for yourself, Tim. Decorate the house with your paintings. Don’t hide them away. Don’t hide yourself away, either. There’s a whole world out there waiting to see you. The real you. You’re so beautiful, and I don’t just mean your face or your body.”

“Don’t go,” Tim pleaded.

Ben could only shake his head. If he said any more it would be too late for both of them. He turned and walked slowly to his car, grateful for and despairing every second that passed without Tim trying to stop him. Ben opened his car door and looked back to where Tim stood.

“Until next time?” Ben said.

Tim laughed. “Until next time.”

__________

Chapter 27

Jace padded into the kitchen, naked except for a pair of flannel boxers. He poured his ritual cup of coffee and walked to the bay windows as he had every morning since they bought their new house. Ben admired his body, affection welling up as he eyed Jace’s bed-head—hair sticking up in every direction. Four years of dating and two years of marriage, and Ben found him just as attractive as on that first date. He didn’t think that would ever fade, no matter how many decades went by.