I looked away, overwhelmed by what I was seeing, and then looked back, greedy for more. "I could do this forever," he murmured, burying his electric blue head between my thighs. "Could fucking live on this pussy alone."

His words were making it hard to believe this was meaningless. "Stop talking," I hissed, grinding myself against his face.

He froze.

The tight bud that had been blooming in my chest faded away as he pulled back and wiped his mouth. He stood up and crossed his arms, shaking his head. "Holy shit. I just figured it out." He shook his head and pressed his finger lightly into my panting chest. "You just want me to get you off. That's all you're after. You just want to rub up against me like I'm your six foot tall vibrator."

"It's just…" I gasped. "It doesn't have to mean anything."

It was like watching a collapse in slow motion. His face crumpled like I had struck him and his broad shoulders sagged. My heart skipped a beat and I immediately started babbling. "We're just having fun, that's all. Rebound sex, whatever you want to call it. That's all, Jaxson. It's not like this is anything real."

"That's just it, Lil. I'm not playing. This is real for me."

I froze.

He nodded. "Yeah. Tell me this means something to you. Because I went way beyond just fucking around the other night. Hell, I went way beyond that a long time ago. If you think this doesn't mean anything…"

Jax bent nearly double for a moment, and then straightened back up again.

"Bye, Lily."

Chapter Thirty-Two

Jax

That was the hardest fucking thing I have ever done in my life.

Each footstep took an eternity as I slowly slogged my way to the door. "Mr. Blue? Your dress!" the girl at the counter called.

I turned in a fog and mutely accepted the garment bag. As I slung it over my shoulder, I could see Bit out of the corner of my eye. She was standing in the door of the dressing room, her lips moving soundlessly. She was rocking forward and back on her bare toes, like she was trying to move to me but was rooted to the spot.

Just say something, I willed her. Anything. Scream at me, if you want to. Just don't let me walk out this door.

"Jax …"

Did she say that, or was it a phantom in my head? I looked at her one last time and put my hand on the handle. Her own little hand fluttered upward… and then back down again.

Okay, then. It's over.

I drove home in silence, not daring to even think. As I walked in the front door, I dropped the dress at my feet, then turned and headed right up the stairs.

Now it was my turn to hide behind a closed door.

My phone buzzed, one, two, three times. But I didn't check it. I had rehearsal tonight, studio time booked for tomorrow. But both of those things meant leaving the sanctity of this space.

Was I a complete pussy for avoiding her? Sure I was. But I was at least a self-aware pussy. I knew that seeing her, even in passing, was the biggest risk to my fragile sanity. I shut the door to my room and stared at the four walls until I thought I might go crazy.

Then I started to write.

The album that I had stalled on, the words that just wouldn't fucking come, was suddenly pouring out of me. Three days after Lily admitted to using me, I emerged from my room with an entire fourteen song LP on a demo reel.

And it was gold. I was surer of this than I had ever been sure of anything in my life. I picked up my phone and swiped past the mass of notifications and placed a phone call instead.

"Well, hello there, prodigal client." Bev didn't sound pissed, per se. Or maybe I was just telling myself that to feel better.

"Hey, beautiful, did you miss me?"

"Not particularly, but once again the studio sure did. That time costs a lot of money, Jax."

I sighed heavily and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror that dominated the wall across from my bed. When I hung it there, it was for the express purpose of watching myself as I fucked… whoever I happened to be fucking. It didn't really matter, so long as I could see myself. But now what I was seeing made me cringe inwardly. "Yeah, Bev, look. I've been in some shit and I should have called. But I have some good news."

"Tell me it's a finished album."

I grinned. "It's a finished album."

"You better not be fucking with me, Blue."

"I'm not. I need the studio and the guys, tomorrow—wait, no. Shit, that's the day my mom gets married… How about Monday? Can they squeeze me in Monday. Please?"

Bev was silent so long I thought I dropped the call. I pulled my phone back from my ear and checked and she was already talking when I put my ear back. " …first time I've ever heard you say please, Jaxson."

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it."

She laughed. "Fine. I'll pull some strings, try to smooth the ruffled feathers, and all of that. You had better make this worth my while."

"I'm always worth your while, darling."

"Pig," she snorted, but as she hung up, I could hear her laughing. I was laughing too. Free, manic laughter as something loosened in my chest. I flung open my door, intending to run downstairs and pour myself a celebratory drink.

Lily lowered her hand and raised the bottle, stretching it out in front of her like a peace offering. "Hi there," she said softly. "Truce?"

Chapter Thirty-Three

Liliana

It's over.

He ended it.

I should be relieved.

…

Why do I feel like my heart is imploding?

It was the way he bent double. Like my words had punched him right in the gut. Then, and only then, did I realize something truly upsetting.

I was the bad guy here. Not him. Me.

I stared at his closed door and thought back over the past two weeks. We'd sparred, we'd argued, but the one who had truly been cruel was me. All the time I had convinced myself that I was the wronged party when I was the one that had been doing the wronging.

It was a shitty feeling.

Regret was a feeling I was used to when it came to Jaxson Blue. But not like this. I regretted being so callous, using him the way I did. I regretted my steadfast refusal to recognize the zillion ways he had said he was sorry. I regretted listening to him open his heart while still keeping mine firmly shut.

I regretted letting him walk out of that door, because now I missed him. Not my body. Me. I missed sparring with him and how he made me laugh. I missed his jokes and his sarcastic side comments. I missed how he was the only person who understood my strange way of life, because he was in it to. My partner in crime.

My best friend.

Wow. I really fucked up.

He missed the rehearsal dinner, but everyone was too drunk to really care. As soon as I saw my chance, I snatched a bottle of Jack from the wet bar and snuck upstairs. I could hear him inside, talking on his cell phone. "I'm always worth your while, darling," he cooed in that arrogant voice he used with women, and for a moment, my heart faltered with jealousy.

No. You don't get to feel that. This is a peace offering. You have to see him for the rest of your life, so long as Annie and Dad are together. Christmases, birthdays… he's in your life for good now. You may as well try to see if you can be friends.

I took a quick sip of the whiskey and squared my shoulders, ready to knock, when he flung the door open.

His gorgeous face, which had been so animated a second ago, went blank. I felt my stomach splash down near my feet and suddenly knew exactly how he felt in the dress shop. The way a word—no, just a look—can be a punch to the gut.