I feel nothing but pain. Nothing but stinging, mind-numbing pain that is literally ripping me in two.

I lift my head, and it falls back as the rain now hits my face. My chest heaves as I try to breathe from the tightness I feel knowing I’m alone. Tears roll down my face, but the rain washes away the evidence of my brokenness. I just want to be numb. I just want the hurt to go away. It’s so hard to breathe. So hard to get out of bed in the morning.

I drop my head in shame as if I don’t have the strength to hold it up. I open my eyes and I look down at the gun sitting on my lap. My chest tightens and my breath catches as I think about what this gun represents. I close my eyes as I reach down and wrap my hand around the grip. This was my dad’s gun. I’ve seen it every day for as long as I can remember. He always kept it on his nightstand. “Safety,” he would say when I asked about it. He told me it would ‘protect our family if someone ever tried to rip us apart.’ I bet he never guessed it would be the very thing to do just that.

I was taught to respect guns and never to touch one unless I intended to shoot it. ‘Shoot to kill,’ my dad would say. ‘Wounded men have a chance to fabricate a story. They can make you look like the bad guy when they were the ones who had bad intentions.’ 

It’s crazy; I never thought I would need to hold this gun. Now, I can’t imagine what my life would be without it. It’s my demon. But it’s also gonna be my saving grace. It’s gonna save me from a life of mind-blowing pain. It’s gonna save me from a lifetime of nightmares.

I jump off my tailgate and stand behind my truck in the rain in the middle of nowhere. My shoes sink into a puddle and my heart pounds so hard in my chest it drowns out the rain and it’s all I can hear. It’s all I can feel. My right hand taps the gun against my right thigh. The gun feels like it weighs fifty pounds in my hand. But somehow, holding it calms me. Just the feel of it lets me know it will all be over soon.

I need to be with them! I don’t deserve to stay here. I don’t deserve to be the only one expected to go on. We all belong together.

“Case!”

My head snaps up. Through the downpour, I can see Brecken running toward me.

“Go away,” I yell. He’s not supposed to be here. How did he know where to find me?

He comes to a stop just a few feet in front of me. His clothes are soaked and he’s breathing heavy. He looks down at the gun in my hand and then back up at me. “Please don’t do this,” he begs.

“I have to,” I say more to myself than him.

“No!” he shouts fisting his hands down by his side. “You don’t have to do this, Case!”

“The pain …” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I need the pain to go away.”

He takes another step closer to me. “You think I don’t feel pain?” he demands as he punches himself in the chest. “I loved Nicole,” he declares. “I fucking loved her, and now, she’s gone.” He runs his hands through his hair as his chest rises and falls quickly. “You’re my best friend, and you’re also all I have left,” he cries out. “Don’t you understand? This is what they wanted. They wanted to get away with it.”

They already have. It’s been over four weeks since we got the news about Nicole, and with every passing day, it gets harder. “I can’t feel her anymore,” I admit with shame. “She’s really gone.” I tap the gun against my thigh again without thought. It’s as if it’s calling for me. Reminding me it’s my way out.

“I know.” He hangs his head. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t save others from her fate.”

I shake my head. “It’s over,” I yell, getting mad that he would show up here trying to give me hope. That he would make me think I have a chance at life without them.

“Kill me!” he shouts over the rain that continues to come down on us.

“What?”

“Kill me. You wanna die?” He looks down at my gun in my hand. “Then kill me first.”

I take a step back from him, shaking my head, and my back runs into my tailgate. “You’re crazy. I would never kill you,” I say thickly.

He points at my gun, dark eyes narrowed and lips thinned. “If you kill yourself, it will kill a part of me. So just do it already. Kill me,” he shouts, thrusting his arms out to his side.

“Stop!” I yell back as my hands shake down by my sides.

His hands drop to his sides, and he sighs heavily. “A life is a life, Case. What does it matter if you kill me or just yourself? Not even death can change our past. It will only change the future—the future of us finding who took the only woman we love.”

 

I lift my head as I sit on the end of Taylor’s bed. That day, I just wanted the pain to end. But Brecken made me realize that if I did that, it would only cause pain to others. But honestly, the pain hasn’t gone away. I’ve just learned to live with it. To accept it. I’ve numbed myself to it. I find everyone has something to help them become numb to pain. Somehow, Brecken and I found that drugs could do just that.

“Hey.”

I look up to see Taylor leaning against her bedroom door. Her hair now dry but that towel still wrapped around herself.

“Hey,” I say standing from her bed. I prayed for the water to drown me that day as I stood out in the pouring rain. I may not have drowned, but I’m still treading water. And I’m getting tired of trying to survive. Standing here, right now, looking over at Taylor, I see her as the same way I saw that gun. She’s my saving grace. My chance at something better than a life full of deceit.

She pushes off the door and walks over to me. She stops right before she reaches me and looks up at me through dark lashes. I reach out, wrap my arm around her waist, and pull her to me. With my free hand, I reach up and cup her cheek. My eyes trace her jawline and pouty lips. Then I look into her blue eyes. “God, you’re so beautiful.”

She looks away from me as she blushes, but the smile she has on her lips light up her face. “I’m sorry,” I say softly. She looks back up at me and frowns. I sigh heavily. She doesn’t even understand why I apologized. “For earlier,” I lie. I am sorry for the fight we had, but I’m more sorry I can’t give her what she wants.

“It’s okay.” She tries to give me a half smile, and I know I’ve let her down. But what does she expect? I let everyone down.

I pull away as my cell phone vibrates in my back pocket. I look down at it now in my hand and see BOSS written across the screen in bold letters. “I gotta take this real quick.” I storm out of her room and toward the front door.

I answer it the second I get outside. “Hello?” I ask looking around to see if anyone is out here. Her house sits in the middle of a dead-end neighborhood. It’s pretty quiet every time I’m over here.

“Got anything for me, Case?” he demands. I may run part of this town, but one thing about this business is that there is always someone who is higher up than you.

I run my free hand through my hair. “It’ll be a few more days.” If he knew what I was up to with Taylor, he would kill me.

“Okay. I’ll meet you at the usual spot,” he says and then adds, “It better be something good.”

I lower my phone when I hear him hang up, and I let out a long breath. I take one last look around and then place my phone back in my pocket before returning to Taylor’s house. When I come into her room, she’s sitting on her bed. Her hands rest behind her flat on the bed, and she has her knees pulled up to her chest, shielding her breasts. But I can tell she’s still naked.

She smiles at me. “Thought I would have you work off that apology. Up for the challenge?”

A smirk grows across my face, as my cock hardens in my pants, and I remember why I have put everything on the line for her. Why I chose to break my rules in order to be with her—because she’s worth it!