Seven Months Later

The house is mostly staged, all pictures of Drew and me are packed and stored. The movers have come and all my belongings are in storage. It’s finally listed and I’m living full time with Jenna again, just like old times.

My position with Ernst and Young was given away, but I interviewed with Price Waterhouse and was given an entry-level auditing role with them. I’m starting all over again. I’d be lying if I’d say I wasn’t depressed. I think about Drew every day. He’s everywhere I look, in everything I do. But I guess that’s the grieving process, or at least it’s what everyone says.

During my lunch break today, I make a run to the hospital. I’m still dealing with insurance stuff, so I furnish the billing office with just one more piece of information they need. The woman tells me to come back in an hour so I decide to grab a quick lunch in the cafeteria. As I walk down the corridor, I turn the corner and run smack into Dr. Mercer. Once again, his first name escapes me. I give myself a pass because the night I met him I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind.

“Cate.”

“Dr. Mercer.” I extend my hand to him.

“I thought we passed all the formalities. Please, call me Drew.”

IT’S THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING and I stand by the window of my apartment and gaze out as the sun makes its first appearance for the day. Today is moving day and nervous excitement wouldn’t allow me to sleep. Arms circle me and draw me back into a firm chest.

“Morning, beautiful.”

I turn in his arms and press my lips against his. “Morning.”

“I didn’t expect you to be up so early.”

I shrug. “I’ve rarely seen dawn since I moved to DC.”

“It’s pretty impressive, but it has nothing on you.”

My lips curl and then, I watch in stunned silence as shirtless, looking sexy as hell Andy kneels down on one knee. My heart stops. The sunrise is forgotten as no light shines on me like the man before me.

It’s been several months since the awkward conversation between Drew’s parents and me. They seem genuinely happy that I’ve found someone else. Their support and love has meant the world to me. Now that everyone knows, there is nothing to stop me from charging forward into a new life except myself.

Andy’s eyes, so much like Drew’s, sparkle up at me. My chest ceases to move.

“Sweetheart, breathe.”

Every sound is caught in a vacuum as I let out a breath I know I’ve been holding for a few years.

“Cate, you lit a fire in me long before I knew what that fire meant.”

They say when you die, your life flashes in front of your eyes. I have that surreal moment now. Everything begins to slow and the memories since the day I met Andy comes back like a sledgehammer to the chest.

~About seven months after Drew~

I rush into the hospital hating that I have to be there. But the insurance company needs some paperwork signed off in order to finalize benefits. It’s something I should have done months ago but I couldn’t bear it.

The woman in front of me has no sympathy for me. I’m sure she’s seen and heard it all. My circumstances aren’t dire—at least to anyone besides me.

“You can pick up the form in an hour. That’s the best I can do.”

I nod and walk to the cafeteria. I haven’t had lunch and I don’t want to leave and come back. While I’m deciding whether or not to go with a Cobb or Caesar salad, someone says my name.

“Cate.”

I turn and it takes a moment for me to recognize the face. I’m not sure why; his eyes are the spitting imagine of Drew’s.

“Dr. Mercer.” I extend my hand.

There is no way I could forget this man’s kindness. I practically sobbed all over him the day Drew asked me to leave his hospital room for good.

“I thought we passed all the formalities. Please call me Drew.”

I nod, but it’s hard to say that name without breaking out in tears.

“How are things?” he asks.

Grief over takes me and a tear slips through my defenses.

“It’s okay, Cate. I shouldn’t have asked. Let me buy you lunch.”

I glance up at him. “I’m not ready to date,” I blurt.

Dr. Mercer looks at me, shocked, and I realize my mistake. With a polite smile, he says, “I’m not sure my girlfriend would appreciate me asking anyone on a date. I just thought I could offer you an ear.”

My face must turn beet red.

“I’m sorry. Ever since I took off my rings, I’ve been getting hit on occasionally.”

I hadn’t wanted to take off my engagement and wedding rings, but every time I looked at them I couldn’t stop crying. After several months, Mom finally suggested that I take them off, not because I want to forget Drew, but so I could remember him without the tears.

“I can’t say I blame them. But I totally understand. It’s going to be a long time until you can be better.”

I’m glad he didn’t say be okay. I’m not sure I can ever be okay.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be better.”

He nods sympathetically. “Have you considered a support group?”

“Been there, done that. And don’t get me wrong. They help so many people. But I feel like a fish out of water because most of the people there are so much older than I am. I don’t want to take antidepressants, but if I don’t turn a corner soon, I think I may start.”

“Don’t be afraid of them. They aren’t habit forming or anything like that. But let me ask you. Have you tried running? Studies really do show it can help with depression.”

“I used to run. But haven’t in a couple of years.”

“Why don’t you try? Running can help clear your mind and get the endorphins going to better how you feel in general. I run with a group and you can join us if you’d like.”

His words ring true. He is a doctor and I’ve heard that about running before.

“I feel like there is a cloud that follows me everywhere. I can’t even go to my house and move the boxes Drew thoughtfully packed so I wouldn’t have to. The house is staged; I just need to get those boxes out if I truly plan to sell the house. That’s hard, too. I don’t want to sell the house we picked together, yet I can’t imagine living there without him.”

Out of his pocket, he produces tissues like he did the last time tears flowed down my face.

“Small steps, Cate. Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Dr. Mercer takes both salads and steers to me to the register. I find myself sitting as I continue to release the words I’ve been so scared to say knowing everyone must be tired of all my crying.

“I can’t ask his parents, they’ve been through enough. Ben, his best friend, is a wreck just like me. He suggested a moving company because I don’t think he wants to go into there any more than I do. I watched my husband slip away in that house and I just can’t go there. I don’t want to ask my parents because they’ve practically packed up the house for me.”

“I can get the boxes for you.”

I glance up and meet those azure blue eyes so much like my dead husband’s and the hurt bubbles up like a geyser.

“I can’t ask you that.”

“Why not? Drew was one of ours. You can’t imagine how he’s missed around here. I didn’t know him well, but I can’t imagine anyone else that wouldn’t offer to help you in any way.”

After some more convincing, Dr. Mercer drives behind me to my old house after I pick up my paperwork. His shift is over and with some directions from me, he enters the place I once called home. It doesn’t take him long and comes out with Drew’s stuff.