DREW’S FUNERAL TAKES PLACE ONE week before our first anniversary. Drew being Drew, left Ben explicit instructions on how he wanted things handled. So Ben took care of mostly everything. It was a good thing, too, because I was in a state of perpetual numbness. Ray and Letty handled the venue, choosing the same church Drew and I were married in.

I am told later that people attended from his residency, his hockey team including Sam and Caroline, from his medical school class, and his fellowship program. I see none of them. The church is nothing but a blank slate, all I am is a huge empty space, and the place where my heart used to be is a black hole. I am hollow, vacant. The minister says some lovely things, but I don’t really follow. Ben sits on one side and Letty on the other. I squeeze both of their hands, just to make myself feel something, anything.

The minister allows anyone to come up to the pulpit to say something about Drew, if they wish. I see many people step up and speak, but I hear nothing. Not until Ben. He has to untangle his fingers from mine when he walks up to take the microphone. His hands tremble as he digs into the pocket of his suit coat and pulls out his speech. Ben’s eulogy is the one I listen to and my heart latches onto it, hanging on every syllable.

He starts when they met, in kindergarten, and progresses throughout their lives. But his delivery is priceless. It’s funny but punctuated with moments of love, not enough to bring everyone to sobs, only enough to get the points. It’s his story about Drew learning to ice skate that brings down the house.

“So he says, ‘Dude, I’m serious. I’m going to learn this if it kills me.’ And you have to picture Drew—six feet three inches in one of those leotard outfits, right? So I say to him, ‘You do know you’ll be in recitals and stuff, right?’ And he says, ‘Yeah. Will you come watch?’ And he’s serious. So he goes at it like you’ve never seen. He comes home all bruised up and tells me about how he’s learning these Salchows and axels and is all geeked out about it. I’m talking Drew McKnight everyone. Figure skating! So he finally gets to the point where he has to perform all these jumps and things and he begs me to come watch. I’m his best friend. What am I going to say? So I head over to the ice rink and I see huge Drew in the midst of all these seven and eight year old girls in pink tutus. It would be like seeing The Rock taking ballet. No kidding. Each time he performs, or one of the little girls does something, they all high five or fist bump each other. And Drew is right in the middle of them. It was freaking hilarious. But I swear to god, that night, the man comes home, puts the figure skates in the closet, trades them out for a pair of blades and picks up hockey like he was born to play. And that was Drew McKnight.”

You can hear murmurs throughout the church and Ben’s right. Drew never did anything without purpose, or without a goal in mind.

“And one other thing Drew did, was ask me to a Purdue football game and alumni post party. So we went. My sister Jenna and her best friend and roommate, Cate Forbes showed up. Drew took one look at Cate and said to me, ‘Dude, who’s that girl with your sister?’ When I told him, he said, ‘I’m going to marry her one day. Introduce us. Now.’ It took a few weeks to persuade Cate to agree to a date, but damn if he didn’t. And Cate, you made him the happiest guy on Earth.”

He gently folds his papers in half and says in a soft voice, “You will be missed, my brother.” Ben walks down and takes his seat next to me, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I know it could not have been easy for him to do it, but Drew would have been proud if he could have been here. Something inside my heart tells me he heard every word.

If the attendees expect me to speak, they will have to be disappointed. Now my body is broken apart by silent sobs. Ben’s arm wraps around me as I lean against him for support. The question that won’t leave hits me again. How will I live without him?

The church has kindly allowed us to greet the mourners in a large room, so we have food and drinks available. There are so many people, it’s impossible for me to keep up. Half of the time, I find myself in the bathroom, splashing water on my face, trying to rinse my tears away. I never bothered with any makeup today and that was the best call ever. I would’ve looked awful by now, even with the waterproof stuff. At one point after fixing myself up, I glance over at Ben, and his hair looks like a hurricane got a hold of it. He can’t keep his hands out of it. I can hear Drew’s voice in my head saying, “Babe, go fix that shit up for him. He looks like hell.”

So that’s what I do. I scoot next to him and grab his arm. “Come here a sec.”

“What?”

I do my best to straighten out the wreck of Ben’s wavy nest.

“That bad, huh?”

Scrunching up my face, I say, “Yeah. It sort of looked like you just woke up after a week long bender.”

His arm moves up to run through his hair and I trap it in my hand. “Stop. That’s what’s causing this mess.”

He holds out his hands. “Okay. Okay. I’ll do better. I’m just …”

I swipe at my face and say, “I know. We all are.”

“We need a fucking drink, don’t we?”

“And we’ll have some, as soon as this is over.”

We move back to the crowd. When the last person has filed through, we all finally take a breather and sit. Ray and Letty look like they’ve aged twenty years. I feel like I have, too. Ben’s hair is a wreck again and I laugh. It’s one of those inappropriate laughs, that you try to hold back, but just can’t. Everyone looks at me with questions in their eyes.

Shaking my head, I say, “It’s Ben’s hair. I can hear Drew saying a bunch of crap about it.”

Everyone laughs and the Drew stories start. Ben invites everyone over to clean out his liquor cabinet and we migrate to his house. Ray and Letty and my parents leave after a little while, but Jenna and I stay the night. We drink ourselves silly and all crash on the floor, with sleeping bags, pillows and cushions from the couches and chairs.

In the morning, I wake up and look around. Ben and Jenna are still passed out. I roll over and see all the empty liquor bottles on the coffee table. It’s a surprise I’m not puking everywhere. I sit up and go to the bathroom. On the way back, I pass a shelf that’s loaded with pictures of Ben and Drew. It’s impossible for me not to stare at them. What a pair they are. Or were. A sudden wave of anxiety barrels into me, and I nearly drop the picture in my hand as I slide to the floor. My chest pounds with pain as I realize I can’t ever go home. I can’t walk through that door again, knowing Drew won’t ever be there to greet me with those stunning blue eyes of his. A wave of nausea rolls over me and I clamp my hand over my mouth. Ben is there, pulling me up.

“What happened?”

“I can’t go home. I … ever. I can’t ever go back there.” My entire body shakes.

“It’s okay, Cate. You don’t have to.”

“No, you don’t get it, Ben. I can’t walk in there at all.”

He grabs my hand and we go into his kitchen where he fixes me a glass of water.

After a few sips, and Ben talks me through this anxiety attack, I calm down.

“Cate, this is a new road for you.”

“Ben, it’s not about a new road. It’s about Drew not ever coming home. I don’t want to be in that house. Period.”

“Okay. Okay. I get that. Come with me.”

He takes my hand again, and this time we go to his office.

“Have a seat,” he says, point to a chair. “Look, you don’t have to go back there. In fact, you should sell. But, I have something for you.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. You know our guy. He always planned for everything. I was to give this to you the day after the funeral. Here.” Ben hands me an envelope.