Something hardened inside me. I rode her fingers, groaning when she pulled out and ran her palm against my pussy, wanting so badly for the pressure to burst. When she slid in again I raised my whole body to hers, her nipples grazing mine, her skin slick. Our lips brushed, her hair feathering my face. Then she pulled out and released my throat at the same time.

“God, fuck,” I said. Head rush, sick and giddy. “Make me come. Stop fucking torturing—”

She stuck her wet fingers in my mouth.

I gasped, which made it easier for her to slide deeper. After the initial shock I closed my lips around them. It’d been so long since I’d tasted myself. Warm and clear, a slight tart sweetness. So fucking feminine.

“How does it taste?” she whispered. “You always tasted so good.”

I pried her knees open with my own. Brought my hand to the heat between her legs. Ran a fingertip inside as I swirled my tongue around her fingers. She groaned.

“You’re so pretty with me in your mouth.” She slid in farther. “Do it, baby. Suck me off.”

I stared up at her. Light struck part of her face, the chiseled jaw, the ridge in her throat.

And for a wild moment, I thought of Blue.

Not in her place. Not the way she feared. But as her. This androgynous girl with her hand in my mouth, telling me to blow her.

Holy fuck.

I licked her fingers and pulled them out, kissed the tips, took them in again, my eyes on hers. The other hand stroked her clit. Ellis cupped the back of my head like a boy would. We tangled together, legs linked, my wetness spreading as I rode her thigh. Every time I sucked her in and looked up plaintively, she rocked into my hand, hard. It made my head spin. This felt like fucking a guy and a girl at the same time. This felt crazy. All around us was a watery haze, shadows wavering, wisps of light floating like jellyfish in the thick, fluid air, and I had the sudden sense that I was actually under the waterline, my mouth full of ocean. The struggle for release was like fighting a drowning. I could feel it so close, dry air and clarity just overhead. Her body wound with mine, her nipples stiff against my breasts, her wet soft skin unbearable against my pussy. I intensified as I would with a boy, showing him how badly I wanted his cock. Deep-throating him. Her. Ellis made a fist in my hair. Force me, I thought, force me, fuck my mouth, and she did, her fingers thrusting to the back of my tongue, but I was a good girl with a well-trained gag reflex and I took it like a pro. Ellis heaved against me, saying, “God, God,” and I kept giving it to her steady and rode her leg and came, pure air breaking over me, my head above the surface. She took her hand from my mouth. I inhaled, oxygen drugging my blood. That first crystalline breath. Ecstasy.

We curled against each other, panting. I stared at the ceiling, the play of reflected light. Lifted an arm and slid my hand up the wall to feel it. Air, just air.

Ellis looked at me through mussed hair, mouth swollen, squinting. So lovely. I touched her face, slid a hand through her hair and ruffled it.

“What do you see?” she said.

“You.” I twirled a lock around my finger. “My prince.”

Her eyes half-shut, as if looking at something bright. “I wish I could draw. I wish I could show you how you look to me. You’re so beautiful, Vada.”

My heartbeat echoed in my fingertips.

We kissed for a while, soft and slow, pausing to touch each other, to run skin against skin, lace fingers, look at ourselves entwined. I couldn’t tell the taste or feel of my own body from hers. It was all one thing, just us.

When she shivered I pulled the quilt up and Ellis nestled in my arms. I love you, I thought, watching an imaginary zodiac spin over the walls. I love you more than anything. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that. Because this feels right. It’s the first thing that’s felt completely right since the night our lives tore apart.

This feels like breathing again.

I woke in a stillness flocked with velvet shadows in tones of cornflower and mauve. Ignored my phone and the chill and leaned against the headboard, the sheet twined around my chest, watching Ellis.

Light sleeper. She stirred soon after, her shoulders peeking from the sheets. When she blinked I ran a finger across her collarbone, eliciting a shiver.

“Hi,” I said.

Ellis didn’t answer, but she had that oh my god this actually happened look.

I laughed. “Yo sé eh.”

She pulled the sheet over her head.

At first she was shy, hiding until I wrestled her down and kissed her. We were a total mess, half-hungover, feral from sex, and I didn’t care. I kissed the hell out of her till she stopped being self-conscious, till she took me in her arms and kissed me back, breathless. A red sun rose and warmed the room. I pulled her atop me, gazing up at her.

“What are you thinking?” she said.

“That I could look at your face forever.”

Her breath caught, and so did mine. I hadn’t really thought about the words. I just said what I felt.

Ellis smiled, playing it off. “You like me, dork.”

“Nope. Way too nerdy.”

“Admit it.”

“Dream on.”

“You want to look at me forever.”

“Only because it’d take that long to count your stupid freckles.”

“You can’t freckle-shame me. I know you think they’re cute.”

I shut her up with a kiss. Sweet at first, laughing against each other’s mouths, but soon it turned intense and led to lip-biting, hair-pulling. “Okay,” I said, pushing a knee between her legs, “you’re not cute. You’re hot as fuck.”

It was a dream. All of it. Fucking each other as the sun poured molten gold against our backs. Perching on the sink and chatting with her as she showered. Interrupting her every five minutes with a kiss, a goofy smile, a piece of my heart. Finally dragging ourselves out of the room and ambling through the fog-haunted city, our breath hanging in veils of chiffon, pretending to peer in shop windows when I was really just watching her reflection. Hands linked, images tumbling through my head like kaleidoscope bits. If someone came up right then and shot me through the heart I was pretty sure a rainbow would splatter on the bricks. I took her to a comics shop and told her to buy as much as we could carry, and her eyes lit up. She kissed me, which made two teenage boys stare and break into grins. Then she led me down the aisles as her pack mule, shoving graphic novels into my arms. I didn’t care. I was doped up on this, smiling dazedly at everything.

Oh my god. This was actually happening.

I was in love with my best friend. Hopelessly, completely in love.

No more hiding. No more denying and downplaying it. Fuck what other people thought. I didn’t care how we looked, how they’d label us. I only cared what she felt. If two people could make each other smile and laugh and forget all the pain and darkness in the world for a moment, why should we feel ashamed of it?

Why had I been so scared of this, of being happy with her?

As payment for the comics I pulled her into a boutique to try on random things and demand her opinion. Ellis loathed clothes shopping. But she sat enrapt in the changing room, her pulse swelling in her throat. Only her eyes moved, locked on me. Finally she followed me into a stall and pushed me up against the door. My clothes piled on the floor. In the mirror across from us I watched a redheaded boy fuck me. One hand covered my mouth, muffling my gasps.

Dane met us across the channel. We bought soft pretzels from a street vendor, walked along the harbor taking pics. Joke porny group selfies for Frankie and sweet ones for ourselves. When Dane snapped pics I kissed Ellis unhesitatingly, then looked him in the eyes. Some part of me wanted to see something there—a flash of resentment, regret. Any clue. But he only looked happy for us.