I hope others out there who are like us, who don’t fit into the cisgender binary, are someday able to live free of this bullshit. I hope books like this add one small drop to the ocean of diverse gender representation out there. And I damn well hope to see more books like this, where cis/straight/white isn’t the stale default. I needed to see that when I was a teenager. Other nonbinary kids need it, too. Every teen needs to see that it’s okay to be trans, or however they feel inside—boy, girl, both, neither, or something more nuanced and complex and mutable. Gender isn’t pink or blue. It’s not either/or. It’s whatever the hell it means to you, personally. Maybe it means nothing, and that’s okay, too.
You are okay just as you are.
As always, I have to begin my thank-yous with the person who shaped this book the most: my keenly sharp, smart, driven editor, Sarah Cantin. It’s a pleasure to work with someone who’s as Type A as I am. Sarah, thank you for insisting on nothing less than the best I’m capable of. I’ve learned and grown so much with you. Your guidance echoes in my work and I’m damn proud of what we’ve made out of these books.
Thank you also to my peerless agent, Jane Dystel, who’s been a rock for me to lean on, and to everyone at both the Dystel & Goderich agency and at Atria Books. I’m honored to work with all of you.
Mad hearts to Alexander, my partner and best friend and Minecraft co-architect, for being the sweetest boy alive. I love you, buddy.
To my writer friends—Dahlia Adler, Bethany Frenette, Ellen Goodlett, Lindsay Smith, and many others on Twitter—thanks for inspiring and supporting the hell out of me.
To all the bloggers and reviewers who make these books possible at all, thank you. Special shout-out to the Cuddlebuggery girls for being rad af. #sorrynotsorry that I used your names in this book.
And of course, crazy love to my Facebook fan group, the Raeder Readers. You guys are my everything. Thank you for sharing your stories and passion and humor and art with me, for being there when I need an escape from reality, for sticking with me through these increasingly challenging books. I promise to keep writing the best I can and to give you stories that provoke intense feelings, push you out of your comfort zone, and generally make you go OMGWTF. No compromise, no surrender.
I hate to end on a sad note, but there’s a deep sorrow in this book that’s haunted me even after the happy ending. Because too often in real life, trans people don’t get HEAs. I was nearly one of those tragic statistics, too. It’s sheer luck that I’m here instead, writing books about it. I feel indebted to light a candle and try to guide others out of the darkness.
Leelah, this book is for you. You’re one of the girls I’ve lost.
We’ve all lost you.
All my love,
Leah Raeder
Chicago, August 2015
For more darkly provocative novels by Leah Raeder . . .
When you can't get over that one-night-stand . . .with your teacher.
Unteachable
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A twisted, suspenseful, and seductive tale of growing up and getting even.
Black Iris
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LEAH RAEDER is the author of Unteachable and Black Iris, and is an unabashed nerd. Aside from reading her brains out, she enjoys graphic design, video games, fine whiskey, and the art of self-deprecation. She lives with her very own manic pixie dream boy in Chicago. Visit her at www.LeahRaeder.com.
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ALSO BY LEAH RAEDER
Black Iris
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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2015 by Leah Raeder
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Atria Paperback edition November 2015
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Cover Design by Lucy Kim
Cover Photographs © Barbara Chase/Getty Images (Paint Splatters);
© Andrew Dorey/Getty Images (Camera Lens);
© Alexey Ivanov/Getty Images (Girl)
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Raeder, Leah.
Cam girl / Leah Raeder. — First Atria Paperback edition.
pages ; cm
I. Title.
PS3618.A35955C36 2015
813'.6—dc23
2015028559
ISBN 978-1-5011-1499-1
ISBN 978-1-5011-1500-4 (ebook)
CONTENTS
Part 1: Winter
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Part 2: Spring
Chapter 3
Part 3: Summer
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Part 4: Fall
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Part 5: Winter
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Acknowledgments
About Leah Raeder