“Bex? Do you want to talk about it?”

We were hours outside of Denver, heading to California for the next week. I was glad we were going to stop traveling so much and be able to just do short jaunts to our shows. I’d never been to California either so I was looking forward to seeing it.

But right now I wanted Natalie to leave me the hell alone. “If I wanted to fucking talk to you, I would.”

Beau sighed from across the table. “Stop being a bitch, Bex.”

“Fuck you,” I spat. “I am a bitch. This isn’t new.” At my outburst, Tanner and Ryver headed back for their bunks. They were fucking smart. My two bozo friends in front of me weren’t taking the hint.

“What happened with Johnny, Bex? Things were perfect and now he isn’t here. What’s going on?” Natalie wasn’t letting my attitude deter her and that pissed me off.

I picked up my coffee cup on the table and threw it against the opposite wall of the bus. I watched as brown liquid ran down the wall in streams. It didn’t satisfy me though since the cup had only been styrofoam.

“Bexley Bryant,” Natalie said. “Knock it off. If you don’t want to talk, fine. But stop treating us all like we’re your fucking servants. Do I need to remind you that it’s Beau and I that have been there for you more than anyone?”

It wasn’t often Natalie pulled out that card, but when she did I knew she was fed up. Well I was fed up, too. I stood, stomped to my room, and slammed the door so hard I heard things falling in the bathroom.

Flinging myself on the bed, I punched the mattress and screamed into the pillow until my throat was raw. I’d turned off my phone after Johnny’d called it no less than a hundred times. I made a mental note to have Natalie change my number. He’d figured out by now that I’d left him, and I didn’t plan on hearing his voice again. I hoped he had to stay in Denver so I wouldn’t run the risk of seeing him once I was back in Florida.

I wouldn’t think about him. I wouldn’t dream of him touching me, fucking me, telling me he wanted ‘more’, too.

He was dead to me. Just like the sperm donor that called himself my father.

Johnny

“Pull the fucking trigger,” Yoda demanded. “He didn’t do what he was told. He must pay. It’s about time you man up and get some balls and get those pansy hands dirty. Pull. The. Fucking. Trigger.”

My hand shook so hard there was no way I could shoot it even if I wanted to. I’d never even held a gun before now. The guy, an informant known as ‘Snitch’ was crying and begging. The unmistakable stench of urine filled my nostrils. He’d pissed himself. Hell, I wanted to piss myself, too. If I didn’t kill this guy, Yoda would kill me. I knew it. He’d been warning me that this was coming for quite a while.

Tonight was my night.

It was time I proved myself to these fuckers or they were going to get rid of me once and for all. And no one walked out of here alive, so the only way I was getting out was in a body bag.

I hated every second of this fucking life but I sure as shit didn’t want to go like this.

“You have ten seconds, or I take the gun from you and shoot him first, then you. It’s up to you. I’d hate to kill you, but fuck, you know me. I’m not sad over anyone. When your body falls, I’ll have someone who will step over you in two seconds and complete whatever job I ask him to do.”

Stop shaking like a pussy and do it, Johnny, I said to myself. I lifted the gun and put it against Snitch’s temple.

“Do it,” Yoda said.

I thought about my sister, safe and sound at home in Denver, and pulled the trigger.

My eyes flew open, the sound of the gun blasting still echoing in my head. I could almost feel the splatter from the close contact still on my face. It might’ve been years, but it would never leave me.

Leaving me. Like Bex had. I was sitting in my bed in my apartment in Denver instead of on a tour bus with her. I had no idea why. One second she’d been sitting next to my mother in the courtroom and the next she’d been gone. My mom had said she’d gone to the bathroom, but she’d never come back.

The judge had agreed to expunge my record due to the circumstances. Even though there were many things that would never come to light that I’d been forced to do while part of that life, I was essentially a free man. I should feel relieved. Instead I felt alone and confused.

I’d called Bex so many times since I left the courthouse, but she hadn’t answered. I’d rushed back to the arena where the bus was parked to see them gone. No one had seen anyone from the band in hours. They’d gotten on the road hours before schedule.

She’d left me. We’d decided we wanted to be ‘more’ mere days ago, and now she’d disappeared from my life. Had that been her plan all along, to leave me at the courthouse? I’d invited her to the hearing and to meet my family and it was just too much, too fast? You’re a fucking moron, Johnny. This is what happens when you put yourself out there for someone else. Haven’t you learned this yet?

I flung the covers back and stood up, clenching my fists as I paced the room. I hit her name on my phone again. I didn’t even care that it was the middle of the fucking night.

It went right to voicemail again. “Bex,” I said, my teeth clenched. “What the fuck? You leave me in Denver and won’t answer me. Call me back. You owe me that at least.”

I suppressed the urge to throw my phone, seeing as how that would shatter it and would keep me from being able to hear what the hell her reason was. All of the reasons that I never got attached to women were rolling through my head as I got angrier and angrier.

What had I done? Had meeting my parents been too much? Was the reality of being with me as ‘more’ than just fuck buddies too hard?

I wracked my brain of the things she’d told me. Her mom had died when she was born and she’d been taken from her dad when she was seven. After that, she’d grown up hopping from foster home to foster home until she was sixteen when she was raped and saved from that life by Natalie and Beau. After losing her baby to stillbirth, she threw herself into the band and shut herself off from everyone else.

See what happens when you allow yourself to get close to someone, that nasty voice reminded me. She couldn’t handle your life. Shit, she didn’t even know half of it.

I knew I wasn’t going back to sleep, so I changed for the gym. It was time to beat the shit out of my body to quiet my brain. I had to forget that I ever let Bexley Bryant into my head . . . and my heart.

“Are you coming back?” Julia’s voice wobbled. I hated that she was upset over me, ever.

“Jules, don’t be upset.”

“I really thought . . .” Julia broke off, sniffling. “Come home, Johnny. Please.”

“I’m not good company right now,” I said.

“I don’t care. You need to be here with people that love you, not there by yourself.”

“I won’t be alone,” I argued. “I’m going to contact Kirk later and see if I can go back to work at the bar.”

She sighed. I knew I was a stubborn asshole, but I wasn’t in any place to be around her and Carter right now. I needed to get Bex out of my mind and heart. “Johnny.”

“Julia.”

“Don’t do something stupid.”

“Like?”

“Don’t make me spell it out for you. I know what your life was like before . . . her. Don’t do something stupid.”

“I didn’t leave me,” I snapped, then immediately felt badly for taking it out on her.

“Hear her out,” she advised.

“How can I do that when she’s not even answering my calls? It’s been three days. It should’ve been the happiest day of my shitty life, finding out I wasn’t going to be held back anymore by my past. But instead, I turn around and she’s left me in the courtroom. I even let her meet Mom and Dad.”