“Jillian, I swear … I will physically remove you from this house if you don’t leave right now.”

The need to wrap her arms around him and promise that everything would be okay remained locked inside the walls of fear. Fear that it wouldn’t ever. Be. Okay. Again. Instead, she walked away.

*

That stranger had taken a vacation. AJ had hoped for good. But there he sat at the table, sweaty and bloodied with rage. His head jackhammered with pain as waves of nausea grew with intensity. He scooted his chair out, but before he could stand, his body buckled over his legs. He vomited the pills and water Jillian gave him when he woke up. The next round consisted of bile until all that remained were dry heaves, aching stomach muscles, and a burning throat.

A hand rested on his shoulder as his eyes watered with more pain. “What can I do for you, Sarge?”

AJ had an answer to that question, but he couldn’t speak.

“Water?”

AJ nodded as Jackson handed him a towel.

The man who, by all rights, hated him, cleaned up his vomit and helped him to the bathroom.

“Do you want me to have Jillian come back over to help you shower?”

AJ shook his head.

“Okay. I’ll be out here.”

AJ nodded as Jackson shut the door. By the time he undressed and stepped into the hot shower, he could barely stand. Choosing to find the floor of the shower before it found him, he slid down the tile wall. Resting his head on his bent knees, he let the water wash away everything. He chased away the loneliness by feeling Jillian’s hands on his head like a ghost. There would never be the right words to describe that touch. It brought him back from the deepest depths of pain and darkness. Would she ever know that? Would she ever know she loved him at his very worst? There was so much to say, but not enough time; there was never enough time.

By the time he toweled off and dressed, he needed another shower. Busting up his breakfast and blowing up at Jillian for absolutely no reason, expended his allotment of energy for the day.

“Do you need anything?” Jackson asked as AJ lumbered to his bed, collapsing into a partial sitting position at the head of it.

“Wwaor …” AJ closed his eyes. Anger. Humiliation. Rock bottom.

“I’ll get it.”

Jackson returned with more water.

AJ wrapped both hands around the glass. He didn’t trust his body. It seemed to be failing him.

“It’s affecting your speech?”

AJ nodded.

“Did it just start?”

AJ nodded. “Y-es.” He felt like a child trying to say his first word. And if life weren’t already cruel enough, tears pricked his eyes because even his emotions were out of his control.

Jackson narrowed his eyes a bit. “Are you done?”

AJ stared at the glass of water still half-full.

“I’m not talking about the water.”

He looked up. Jackson didn’t blink or say another word. He didn’t have to.

AJ nodded.

Chapter Thirty-Six

The droning whistle of the furnace ceased on the chilly November evening, leaving Jillian in silence. By the time Jackson texted her the all clear to go back to AJ’s, he was already asleep again. She thanked her brother for cleaning up after AJ and staying with him while he showered. Then she thanked him for his patience, in spite of AJ’s earlier outburst. Jackson kissed her on the head and left without saying much of anything. Perhaps there was nothing to say.

AJ needed her.

She would help him get better.

Luke belonged to Jessica.

He was her past and she died.

Everyone needed a mantra and that became hers. The bed creaked as she crawled in next to AJ and took his hand in hers. The need to feel the warmth of his body, the beat of his heart, the whisper of his breath … it felt as vital as the air in her lungs, the blood in her veins. Seeing Luke, or what felt like a ghost of a life that no longer existed, only intensified her need to be in the arms of the man who gave her a second chance. AJ accepted the woman and the monster without explanation. Who does that?

“I love you, Aric James. You’ll never know how much I needed you to come into my life when you did. You’ve given my existence a life again. This feeling in my chest feels like …” she placed her other hand over her chest “…like a fucking heartbeat. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but it’s there…” she rolled to the side and pressed her lips to his shoulder. “…and I need it.”

He didn’t move. Not a twitch. Nothing more than a slow breath and weak heartbeat. The lump in Jillian’s throat thickened.

“I need you,” she whispered as the first tear fell. “Until you asked me to come to Portland, I’d gone to all of Cage’s games. I didn’t tell you before now because I knew how much pain you’d feel just from the mention of his name. He’s so damn talented and strong, but he needs his father. You need to be there to cheer him on, not just on the field but in life. Children need their parents … even when they die, that need doesn’t ever go away.”

She closed her eyes and prayed. For years she questioned God’s existence, most people in hell probably did. But maybe God saw how she’d loved another selflessly and would grant her one wish … one answered prayer.

“Let me keep him … even if I burn in hell later, just for now … let me keep him.”

*

God had decided to at least give her request some thought, because Jillian awoke from the floor to the sound of AJ coughing. It wasn’t a miracle healing, but ten hours after her request, he was still breathing. Or at least trying to breathe.

“Here.” She knelt beside the bed holding a glass of water as he struggled to sit up a little bit.

He took a small sip and tried to clear his throat. “Tha-th-tha—” Closing his eyes, he shook his head and clenched his teeth.

“You’re welcome.” Jillian kissed his lips, resting her hands on his face. “I know this is hard for you right now, but it’s going to get better.” She nodded her head, waiting for him to open his eyes.

When he did, he shook his head. “N-no.”

She resented the pleading look in his eyes. He covered her hands with his, pulling them to his chest as he tried to squeeze them.

“Mm-my r-re-real.”

Pulling away, she stood and walked to the other side of the room, keeping her back to him. “Stop saying that. I don’t want to be your fucking real. I want to be your goddamn future! Do you kn—” Her voice cracked from the pain her chest “Do you know what I’ve endured to get to this point in my life?” She shook her head, brushing her fingers over her cheeks. “I died to be with you, and I know you don’t understand that, but it’s true. I gave up my last fucking breath to be here.”

Jillian turned. And that new heart? It broke.

AJ looked at her through red eyes … tears trailing down his face.

“Let me take you back to Portland. Please. I’ll stay with you. I’ll go to every appointment and hold your hand … or prance around the room naked, or read you the boring newspaper. Just … let me take you back and let me fight this with you.”

AJ looked down at the floor for a few seconds that felt like an eternity as she waited for his answer. When he looked up … he nodded.

*

Jillian packed AJ’s bags while she waited for Jackson to get back from running a few errands. She hoped one of them was to Ryn’s. It would be an awkward Thanksgiving dinner if they didn’t at least call a couple hours truce. AJ had slept most of the day, but she hoped he would be awake for Thanksgiving dinner, even if he didn’t eat anything.

“Jill?”

“In here,” she called out the door of AJ’s bedroom.

Not even a freight train could wake him when he was in his deep sleep.

Jackson stood in the doorway as she zipped up AJ’s travel bag on the floor.

“Hey, did you get your errands ran?”