“What was in it for him?” Luke asked.

Jessica locked her gaze to his. “He got to fuck me.”

He drew in a slow breath.

“After I agreed, he said there was just one stipulation … he wasn’t going to tell me when it would happen. That night I stayed up until three o’clock in the morning, standing guard over my virginity. He slept six feet away in a sleeping bag on the concrete floor. Eventually, I let go … I just couldn’t hold on any longer. I awoke to a tapping on my foot. He stood over me, completely naked. It was the first time I’d ever seen a grown man naked. I couldn’t move … I could barely breathe as he just stood there stroking himself. I’d been expecting him to come after me—clothed with wild eyes. But that wasn’t his game. He had a point to prove and it was that I was, in fact, young, weak, and naive. He asked if I was a virgin. I nodded. Then he said, “Run, bitch.”

“Jess … you don’t have to tell me—”

“I do.” She gave him a sad smile. “It’s time.”

Luke nodded.

“So I ran, or at least I tried. He grabbed my ankle, and I fell face-first onto the concrete. It bloodied my nose and busted open one of the cuts on my lip. He pressed his naked body to my back then reached between us to shove down my pants.”

Luke watched her stare into the sunset, but not a single tear formed in her eyes. She looked drained of all emotion.

“I was scared. I thought about my time waiting for Trigger to return and kill me, but not even then was I as scared as I was when Mick’s cock pressed to my ass. I got it … I really did. It’s a different type of fear, and looking back perhaps I can understand a little why Claire’s parents were so relieved that she hadn’t been raped. It meant she didn’t have that fear. It’s paralyzing, especially for someone who hadn’t ever experienced sex. As if the fear of the unknown mixed with the sheer weight of his body on mine wasn’t enough, he slid his finger over my clit. As he rubbed me off, he asked me how it felt to be so fucking weak. I couldn’t speak, let alone scream or beg for him to stop. It was this painful fear mixed with unwanted pleasure as I climaxed from his touch.”

She took several big gulps of her wine then rubbed her lips together and looked at Luke. He didn’t want her to look at him. He didn’t want her to see the look of complete horror in his eyes.

“He smeared my arousal back … all the way. Then he gave me one last out as he teased the head of his cock against my ass hole. He said, ‘tell me your friend died because you were too fucking weak to save her and this all ends right now.’”

Luke clenched the arms of the chair, willing himself to not look away.

Jessica shrugged. “But I’m my father’s daughter—stubborn to the point of my own demise. So I took a deep breath, braced myself, then I told him to go to hell.”

“Jesus, Jessica …” Luke flinched. He couldn’t help it, even though he knew how it ended.

There was no possible way to react as anyone but the man who loved her. Dr. Jones was nowhere to be found, and Luke couldn’t find any words that conveyed his … shock? Anger? Disappointment?

She continued. “I don’t think our humanity is on some switch. I think it’s more like candles on a cake. It takes a lot to blow them all out at once. I know Mick blew a few out that morning, and I think it allowed enough of my soul to stay hidden in the shadows to allow me to kill Four a few weeks later.” She scrunched her nose. “Does that sound like an accurate assessment?”

Luke didn’t have an accurate assessment. He didn’t have any assessment. “Did you tell anyone?”

“No. That’s why I could somewhat relate to my student. He’d pleasured me and I felt angry, but I also felt guilty. But for me it was more than that. I made a deal with the Devil and I lost, but we shook on it. And even when he gave me the chance to stop it, I didn’t. So to this day I’m not sure how I feel about any of it.”

“You were seventeen, Jessica. It’s not about the pleasure. It was at the very least statutory rape. Your first sexual experience was traumatic. Do you understand how much that itself may have affected your life?”

She shook her head. “Not really. Every part of my life has been extreme. It’s been a world away from normal, even before what happened to Claire or any of my sexual experiences. The day Jude and I were enlisted into this “nonexistent” army of sorts was the day I became someone else. Jude was never raped, and he never watched his best friend die in front of him, but he’s far from normal. He’s a dysfunctional recluse who spends his evenings trolling for quick fucks then goes home to his stupid computer. How do you explain that?”

“I don’t know enough about this “nonexistent” army, but as far as you and your brother are concerned, I think they stole your childhood innocence. I think you missed out on vital time in your teenage years. But they didn’t steal your humanity. That’s just a weak excuse for justifying immoral behavior.”

Jessica frowned. His words may have carried an edge of accusation, but he didn’t regret them.

“Come here.” He pulled her onto his lap and cradled her face. “That stubbornness that you admit to? I think it prevents you from seeing the whole picture of your past. I think you’d rather die than consider yourself a victim. All you see is the monster inside, but that monster is something you’ve created to protect yourself from the pain. I think that’s why you feel the need for revenge. You think it proves you’re a monster and no longer the victim.”

Tears filled her eyes. “Monsters are strong … victims are weak.”

“Oh, baby, that’s where you’re wrong. Monsters prey on others because they have no self-control … they’re the weak ones. And you’re not just a victim, Jess, you’re a survivor and there’s no one stronger than a survivor.”

With one blink of her tear-filled eyes, she released a little more of that pain that she’d been holding onto for so long.

“I did it to him too.” Her lip quivered as much as her voice.

“Did what?”

“I got my revenge and maybe…” she sniffed “…maybe you’re right. Because afterwards I didn’t feel like the victim anymore.”

Luke wiped her tears. “What did you do?”

“By ten the next morning Mick was being hauled out on a stretcher with a broken nose, two missing teeth, and a punctured lung from three fractured ribs. His biggest mistake has always been forgetting that he was only one of the men who trained me.”

Luke gave her a slight nod of understanding. He didn’t want to condone the behavior that he just told her was so counterproductive to her progress, but Mick deserved everything she gave him and so much more.

“What?” she asked as he continued to look at her, contemplating everything she’d just confessed.

“The blood?”

She nodded, brushing the pads of her fingers over her lips, a glassy look in her eyes. “Before they loaded Mick into the ambulance, he whispered, ‘Come here,’ through his weak breaths. I leaned down close to his face and he touched my lips with his bloodied finger. ‘Taste that?’ he asked. I slid the tip of my tongue over my bottom lip. ‘That’s power, sweetheart. And that power will keep you alive.’”

Chapter Thirty-Four

Knight

“Dr. Jones?”

Luke jerked from the strong ammonia infiltrating his nose.

“Welcome back.”

It took a moment to adjust to the light as everything came back into focus. He began to move his hand to rub the back of his head that pulsed with pain, but metal gripped his wrists. Then an aching burn flared along his shoulders, and he realized his hands were cuffed behind the chair.

“I see the connection now between you and Ms. Day. You’re both stubborn, impulsive, and have little regard for your well-being. It’s touching really.” Knox grinned from across the table, with the steam from a fresh cup of coffee spiraling into the air.