Her empty words do nothing to calm me. Promises are the poison in my life, the knives cutting deep gashes into my heart, the vortex swallowing the deepest parts of my soul, and Audrey can just add hers to the pile.

I fall to my knees in front of the chiseled marble, one finger tracing her name, the other clutching my necklace.

Eleanor Catherine Lemaire

Beloved Mother and Grandmother

“Grams, sometimes being without you is like holding my breath underwater. Lately it feels like I can’t break the surface,” I sob.

The steady hum of passing cars is the only sound. People hurriedly drive from one place to the other, oblivious to the loneliness and regret snaking its way through my veins.

“Part of me hopes you can’t see me now, because I’m afraid you would be disappointed in who I’ve become. All these years, I thought I was making the right choices—doing the right thing, but it turns out I’ve never made a choice at all. I let momentum guide me. I’ve been a passenger in my own life, rolling with the tide, never making the hard calls, and now I’m left all alone, with no one to blame but myself. I pushed Cain away time and again. I didn’t fight hard enough for Lucas. I let his parents write the rules, and I played along like a fool. How did I get here? When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize who I’ve become, Grams. You taught me to fight, and all I keep doing is laying down.”

I wish she could hold me in her arms, soft and loving, while giving me the hard truth. She was always an expert at that. You know the answer, Celia; it’s just easier for you to ignore it. She possessed an expertly tuned internal barometer, allowing her to give the right amount of tough love while holding my heart carefully in her hands. It’s time to make her proud.

I’ve lived a life overrun with gravity and momentum. My choices run parallel with the current of circumstance. Not anymore. I’m through with gravity. I loathe momentum. I crave the turbulence of emotions. I want the push, the pull, the ache, the fall.

I want the storms.

“The Great Escape” by Pink

Present Day

LUCAS,

Do you remember your “friend,” Tommy Badeaux? God, he was such a tool—probably still is—but you thought he was the coolest guy. I never understood why you wanted to be friends with him, but I did my best to keep quiet.

I remember this one time, you wanted to sneak out and meet him and his friends at the levee for a bonfire. You were so dead-set on going, no matter the consequences if you were caught. You put your truck in neutral, and Audrey and I pushed it out of the driveway and into the road while you steered. We almost took out a mailbox, and Audrey skinned her knee, but we got you halfway down the road without having to turn the ignition.

I slept in your bed while you were gone. Just in case your parents checked. And they did come looking, but they were none the wiser. Hours later, you snuck back in, pissed off and hurt because Tommy only called you because he wanted a ride home. I wanted to punch that prick in his face for being such a jerk to you.

The week after, Tommy’s girlfriend, Layla, dumped him in grand fashion in the quad. Drinks were thrown, faces were slapped, and as far as I’m concerned, justice was served. You see, someone tipped Layla off about Tommy’s “secret” homework sessions with Hannah the Ho-Bag. I can’t imagine who would do such a thing…

You may be wondering about this trip down memory lane, but I do have a point. No matter what, even if I don’t agree with you, I will always have your back, Lucas. Back when we were silly kids, stupid teenagers, and even now, as completely clueless adults, I will always stand by you. I may have lost sight of things along the way, made choices that did more harm than good, but it doesn’t change the fact that I always had your best interests at heart. You may turn your back on me, but I’ll continue fighting for you.

I’m here. I’ll always be here. You don’t have to see me if you don’t want to, but I’ll keep showing up every week, hoping you change your mind. There are so many things I need to tell you—feelings and words left unspoken far too long.

Let me in again, Lucas, so we can have a fresh start.

I’m waiting,

Celia

I slide the letter into the envelope and lick the edges. After scribbling his name on the front, I walk to the front desk and smile at Trevor.

“Will you be sure he gets it?” I ask as I hand him the sealed envelope.

Trevor gives me a sympathetic smile and takes the letter. “Of course, Celia. You know, it’s been a month. I hate for you to keep making this drive for nothing—”

“It’s not for nothing,” I interrupt with a determined smile. “Frustrating? Disheartening? Yes. But it’s definitely not for nothing.”

“Okay.” Trevor nods and disappears into the back of the hospital, like he does every week, to deliver my letter to Lucas.

I take a seat in the waiting area and settle in. Each week, I hope to hear the buzz of the electronic door, allowing me entry to the hospital’s day room, but it hasn’t happened yet. But one day it will, because if there were someone out there more stubborn than Lucas Landry, that person would be me.

I understand why he shut me out, I really do. The Celia from a month ago was lacking imagination and drive. I played by the rules and refused to step outside the lines for an answer to help Lucas get out of here. Not anymore. I’m ready to bust down walls and scream from the rooftops. I’m willing to do what needs to be done to sort out a solution for Lucas.

It’s also past time to sort out my life, and that means having a hard conversation with him. Lucas is a permanent fixture in my life, but he’s no longer the center of it. I think the same is true for him, but neither of us ever says the words. Our friendship curves and evolves over time without question or definition. I need to be clear in order to move on with a clear conscience. I lost my chance with Cain, but who knows what the future holds? Hope is a dangerous thing, but living without it is unthinkable.

I will always hope for Cain and the storms he awakens.

When the clock ticks the top of the hour, I gather my purse and wave at Trevor with a tight smile. He shakes his head and blows me a friendly kiss.

Until next week…

“He’s an incorrigible bully, Celia. I came home last night to a ginormous SUV parked in our driveway. He expects me to drive that monstrosity. He stole the keys to my bug when I fell asleep. Who does that?” Sara’s pinched face feigns anger, but the affection in her eyes gives her away every time. She loves it.

“While your Volkswagen is beyond cool, one could argue it isn’t the safest car around. You know that man will move the sun and stars to protect you and those kids. Honestly, there are worse things, don’t you think?” I shrug my shoulders and keep sorting through paperwork.

Caroline is a wonderful therapist and leader, but her office could be featured on an episode of Hoarders. Every few months, I raid it and make sense of the piles of dead trees. She gripes about the intrusion, but she’d never find her way out of this office if it weren’t for me.