“Of course not, Celia! Look, I’m sorry for what I said—I’m just angry and confused by all of this. You’re my best friend. I love you like a sister, and I don’t understand where all of this is coming from. In my mind, it’s always been you and Lucas, and I don’t know, I don’t know what to say,” Audrey cries.

“There’s nothing left to say. Cain’s moved on with his life, so none of this even matters. He’s with Kimberly now, and I lost my chance. I can’t turn back the clock and love him the way he deserves, but I’ll be damned if I feel guilty when I think about him. Being with him made me feel more alive than I’ve felt in years. God, I could finally breathe, and laugh, and smile until my face hurt. Memories are all I have left, and I won’t let you ruin them.” I turn on my heel and keep walking to my house, craving the solitude for once.

“Celia, wait—” she cries out.

I shake my head and raise my arm to stop her. “Don’t, Audrey, just don’t. I want to be left alone.”

I slam my front door and inhale a breath so large, my lungs ache at the pressure. I blow out and suck in again with a smile. There are no tears tonight. Because, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel free from the lies … the regret … the chains.

“Who I Wanted To Be” by Erick Baker

Present Day

“I’LL WALK YOU to your door,” I say robotically, leg shaking and eyes trained on the front windshield.

I cringe as she brings a single finger to my shoulder and trails it down my arm. “If you come inside, I promise I’ll make it worth your while,” Kimberly whispers, her tone laced with seduction and cheap innuendo.

The grating quality of her voice is unbearable. She’s a shrill dog whistle, and I’m a goddamn bloodhound. How the fuck did I listen to her for this long?

“Not gonna happen.” I give a slight shake of my head and remain facing forward.

She expels a loud huff with an unattractive whine attached to the end of it, and I can see her arms flailing in exasperation in my periphery. “Well, let’s hear it. This should be interesting. What’s the excuse this time? Have to be up early for church? Are you on the rag? Is your vagina broken, Cain?”

I shift my body to face her. “I suggest you tread lightly on the manhood jabs, woman. You don’t want to tussle with me.” I stare her down, and she presses her lips together tightly. Smart girl. “I don’t have an excuse. I just don’t want to fuck you. Is that clear and simple enough for you? It’s never gonna happen. You and me? Not. Gonna. Fucking. Happen.”

Her eyes widen in disbelief, and she wraps her arms tightly around her waist. “What the hell is wrong with you, Cain?”

Now it’s my turn to look incredulous. “Really, Kimberly? Are you going to sit here and act innocent?” I grip the steering wheel with whitened knuckles and a disgusted sneer. “I heard every single word you said in that hallway. I didn’t miss a syllable of your viciousness, so don’t play dumb with me.”

A strangled laugh escapes her lips as she rolls her eyes and smiles. “Is that what you’re angry about? God, it’s nothing to get all bent out of shape over.”

“Are you kidding me right now? You told Celia you and I laugh about her! You called her pathetic. Who the hell do you think you are?”

“Your girlfriend, that’s who!” she shouts, leaning forward and pointing her finger into my chest. “And if I didn’t fix the problem, we’d be sitting on first base for the rest of our damn lives. I heard you on the phone last week, trying to let her down easy. Easy didn’t seem to sink in, so I took matters into my own hands. You refuse to move on as long as she’s hovering over us. I did what needed to be done. Trust me, baby, you just need time to see how good we can be together.”

“Girlfriend? Is that what you think? Are you deluded enough to think if Celia disappears, I’ll magically fall in love with you? Clue in, honey. If it ain’t happened yet, it’s not going to, and I’m exhausted from the effort of trying. I’m not especially fond of petty and spiteful, and you’ve got the market cornered on both. Thank you for showing me your true colors sooner rather than later, because I’m not a fan of wasting my fucking time. No matter how much time passes, it won’t change the cold hard facts. It won’t make me like you any more or love her any less.”

About halfway through my so-long-good-fucking-riddance speech, her lips turn into a venomous sneer. Her true colors shine, her full-on bitch flag waving proudly.

“It’s not me you’re wasting your time with, Cain. That girl is going to suck the life out of you and leave you high and dry. I wish you luck waiting for a miracle, but if it ain’t happened yet, it’s not going to.” She shoots me a satisfied smile, pleased that she threw my words back in my face.

I reach over her, unlatch the passenger door, and fling it open. Face to face, I shake my head in disgust. “I’ll take waiting a lifetime for her instead of settling for you any day of the week.”

“One day, you’re going to wake up and realize you made the biggest mistake of your life,” she spits angrily as she hops out of the truck and slams the door.

“Yeah, not fucking likely,” I mutter, although she can’t hear a word I say as she stomps down the driveway to her front door.

My manners won’t let me drive away before she gets inside, but the rubber burns the road the second she does. I need to be as far away from that toxic bitch as I can get.

I navigate through a sleepy Providence, kicking myself for not seeing her for what she is sooner. I got my first glimpse of her on the day Sarge went missing, and I’m pissed I didn’t figure her out right away. But after what I saw tonight, I knew I needed to put the trash to the curb. Life is way too short.

I feel free and empty, all in the same breath. If I’m honest with myself, Kimberly didn’t even come close to filling the void created when I lost Celia. She was the waxy, congealed replica dessert display the waitress showed you before bringing the most scrumptious chocolate cake on the planet. Her puffed up lips even tasted like wax. Lip stain, she called it. Whatever—all I want is Celia’s sugared, glossy lips on mine. Pure fucking sweetness.

This train of thought is useless. I know I’m setting myself up for the inevitable fall; and I do fall for her, over and over again. Her message was clear. She didn’t mince words. Move on. And I will, but in my own time. I’m not forcing myself, hoping to erase her from my mind. I’ll live my life on my terms, and if love finds me again, I’ll welcome it. But I’ll never try to spin silk out of shit again.

I park my truck and take the stairs to my loft two at a time, anxious to take care of Biz and put an end to this shitful day. When I reach my front door, all hope of burying myself in beer and Comedy Central vanishes.

Audrey is perched on my patio bench, and it looks as if she’s been here for a while. Feet propped up, arms crossed, and eyes closed, she’s camped on my porch whether I like it or not. If you snooze you lose, so too bad for her.

I slide my key in the lock, and make it through the front door without a sound. That is, until Mr. Biscuit lets out a huge yelp and tackles my feet. I cringe at the sound of shuffling on the porch, and I know I’ve been made.

I tug Biz’s ear and whisper to the little traitor. “An intruder sneaks in and you’re a fucking mute. Now I’m trying to sneak in, and you’re Chatty Cathy. You’re dead to me, dog.”

“Cain?”

I don’t even attempt to hide my groan, and I don’t bother to turn around. This girl single-handedly ruined my relationship with Celia in one conversation. There is no love lost with Audrey, not one bit. “Look, it’s been one helluva night. I can assure you, there’s nothing you have to say that I want to hear. Do me a solid and walk away. Just leave me the fuck alone, Audrey.”