I slammed a hand between the closing doors and stood by her side as we rode down in silence. Not only did I have to contend with Sadie’s fury—though I was sure she’d forgive me eventually, she always did—but I’d also managed to piss off the last person in the world I wanted to hurt.

“Oh, hello, stranger,” a female voice said from behind me, and a woman moved into the sliver of space between Sara and me. Fuck, this wasn’t the time. Cassie, a tall brunette I’d met in this very lift, smoothed a hand over my forearm, running it suggestively up and down. “I wondered when I’d see you next… You never called me back.”

I grabbed her wrist and jerked it aside as gently but as forcefully as I could without hurting her.

“Not now, Cassie,” I hissed.

“Casey. It’s Casey,” she repeated, her lips forming into a pout.

“Right…”

It felt like the walls were closing in on me; I could feel Sara’s miffed gaze from the side-lines, watching me with an old flame, a one-night stand that I barely even remembered and certainly had no interest in now. Come to think of it, there was one thing that stuck in my mind about that night: a bloody great big tramp stamp in the shape of a pink butterfly, that Casey had decorated herself with at the base of her spine, which I’d regretfully failed to notice until it was too late. A reflection of her back in a hotel mirror mocked me as I was hilt-deep inside her.

“How about you make it up to me, Harvey? And take me for a drink later on?”

The lift thudded to a stop, and before I could answer or get rid of Casey, Sara was making a beeline for the exit. Casey slithered in front of me, her eyes batting, giving me her best come-on face as she planted her palm upon my chest, blocking my way.

“Oh come on, we had fun the last time, didn’t we?”

“How can I put this nicely, Casey? You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of riding my dick ever again. Got that? Now move out of my way.”

Casey fumed, but she finally saw sense, saw the “I ain’t fucking kidding” look I was giving her, and she stepped aside. I looked up, trying to find Sara, but she was gone. Fuck, I thought again. I needed to find her; the urge to explain was completely overwhelming. It was as if she’d caught me cheating and that I’d suddenly become a man who gave two shits about being a cheater or monogamous. But I wasn’t that guy, was I? It seemed all my lines were blurring the more time I spent with Sara, and I had no idea who I was turning into… but I did know one thing: the change in me, or whatever the fuck it was, was down to her.

“Finally! There you are!” I said as I turned a corner and saw Sara sitting alone on a concrete boulder eating an anaemic looking sandwich. “I looked everywhere for you.”

A flash of snarling teeth met me as she growled a seething, “Do you want a medal or something? What do you want?”

I fought the urge to smile. Was she jealous?

“Calm down, what’s got your knickers in a twist?” I asked, trying for a sober face.

She stuffed the remains of what looked to be a tuna-mayo concoction back into a deli paper bag and glared at me. Her small hands by her sides clenched into fists. “How about I calm down when you apologise for being an inconsiderate, womanising prick who takes all the women around you for granted?” Yeah, the anger coming off her like heat waves was not just about me forgetting about this morning… she was definitely jealous.

“I already apologised for that.”

“Oh—”

“But I’ll say sorry again, till the cows come home if you want, as long as you’ll forgive me. I’m really sorry, OK? I should have warned Sadie. I should've told you, too. But I was trying to help. I did it to make you happy.”

“Kinda backfired then,” she said, the inclination to smile coming close to the surface.

“You could say that,” I chuckled.

Sara was not normally so forward, and she surprised me when she asked, “Who was that woman?”

“What woman?” I replied, Casey or Cassie or whatever her name already forgotten.

“The woman who was all over you in the lift?”

“No one.”

“Don’t lie to me, Harvey. She practically had her tongue down your throat. Is she your fuck-buddy, too? I feel sorry for Sadie.”

“For fuck’s sake, what on earth does Sadie have to do with this?” I muttered. Just when I thought we were back on an even keel, the boat started rocking again. It was like her hormones were out of whack or something, but god forbid I say such a thing; my life wouldn’t be worth living after that. “I told you, she’s no one.”

She sat in silence and looked away. “I was just asking. Forget I even asked.”

“What’s it got to do with you, anyway?” I said, practically shouting, wanting to finish the sentence with you’re not my girlfriend. “It’s not like you’re offering up your secrets to me!”

Her mouth dropped open.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know fine well what I mean, Sara. The thing you’ve been holding back, clinging onto. Why won’t you admit to it? Why do you insist on keeping it bottled up, instead of telling me? Stop letting him control you from his grave!”

I hadn’t meant to say it like that. But I was so fucking angry, not at her, at myself, at the world, at my predicament. The one single person in the whole bloody universe that I actually cared for, and wanted, was off limits. And I was pushing her away. Life could be so cruel. But here I was being a jerk, most likely making her feel even worse than her shitty husband ever did when he was alive.

I should’ve known better than to upset her, to try to force her to come to terms with what she’d gone through. I had an inkling of what the son of a bitch did to her. She didn’t deserve my outburst, though. She’d just been making conversation, but it’d touched a very exposed nerve, and I lashed back.

Her voice wobbled. “If I’d known you were such dick, I would have never agreed to come to work for you, let alone have you in my life!”

I reached out to her, ready to get on my hands and knees and beg her forgiveness, to tell her that she was right, that I was a dick, but that I also needed her. But she pulled her hand back.

“Don’t,” she warned and shook her head. “You know what? Just leave me the fuck alone.”

16

Sara

I was still shaking in anger by the time I reached my makeshift desk. I sat down, my shoulders hunched over, my head in my hands, and I felt the bite of tears. I lifted a hand and wiped my eyes, shaking my head at myself for letting him get under my skin like that. How could I ever have thought he’d changed? Harvey was who he had always been: a selfish prick. How could I even think about being attracted to a guy like that? But he was right—I was still letting Eric hold power over me, simply by hiding what he’d done…

I felt the heavy weight of frustration, anger and sadness merging together in one big emotional lump in my belly. I closed my eyes as I felt a familiar pounding in my head, a sign that a migraine was on its way. Great, just what I need.

Replaying the words I said to him, I cringed. Everything had been said in anger, clouded with jealousy. He would never look at me the way he looked at other women, and I’d foolishly told him to leave me alone. Goddamnit, my head was a mess, I thought. He’d done so much for me and yet I couldn’t see past his flaws. What kind of person am I to do that? How could I ever expect anyone else to look past my mountain of flaws if I couldn’t do the same?

I should be on my feet right now, strolling towards Harvey and begging him to forgive me and accept my apology. He hadn’t really done anything wrong. It was me, my cocktail of emotions burning me up inside, making me say things I shouldn’t. I pulled my head up and listened to the faint approach of footsteps.