“How could they leave me? I can’t . . . I miss them every day. There’s days I wake up and I forget about the accident and I’m happy. I’m blissfully happy. Then reality comes back with a vengeance and I lose them all over again. There’s times when I even go as far to call out for my dad. I hate that! I hate not knowing when I’m going to wake up and think that they’re alive. I fucking hate that I live for those mornings, just to be truly happy, only to be crushed all over again.”

Jax wipes his thumb over my cheek and it’s then that I realize I’m bawling. Reaching up, I touch my face. The wetness I feel is foreign. I don’t cry. Ever. I haven’t cried in six years.

“I’m so angry! All of the time! I’m so angry at them! They left me!” I cry into his shirt.

I don’t know how long we stay like this, me sobbing into his shirt while he holds me. He never tries to tell me it will be okay or some other bullshit advice. He kisses the top of my head while drawing patterns on my arms. It feels like I’m going to run out of tears, but just keep pouring down my cheeks. I can’t stop mourning what I lost, what was stolen from me.

I cry for the death of my parents.

I cry for the death of Hadley.

I cry for the death of me.

Feeling like it’s been hours since I started weeping I try to calm down. Which of course just makes me cry harder. Why can’t I stop sobbing? I clutch onto Jax, afraid that he’s going to get up and leave me like this.

“Don’t . . . I—”

“I know, just let it out. I’m not going anywhere,” Jax whispers into my hair.

Just hearing that he isn’t leaving me is enough to help me breathe again. I gave up wiping my face a long time ago since it’s pointless. I snuggle into Jax’s chest and breathe him in, willing the tears to stop. After what feels like another hour, the tears finally dry up. I wipe my face and nose with the end of Jax’s dress shirt.

“Sorry,” I mumble, not feeling sorry at all.

Jax brushes the hair out of my face and kisses my nose. “Don’t be.”

When I’m finally calmed down again, Jax picks me up as if I weigh nothing and strolls to the bathroom with me in his strong arms. He cleans off my face with a warm towel while I sit and watch him take care of me. Once he’s satisfied, he carries me back to my bed. After covering me in my blanket, he turns off the light. My side lamp is on so I can still see clearly, but I’m not blinded by the light anymore. He kicks off his shoes. After stripping out of his shirt and carelessly throwing it on the floor, he unbuttons his pants.

“We’re gonna cuddle like old times and if you want to talk more, I’m going to listen. If you just want me to hold you, then you’ll be in my arms all night.”

I study his face while he strips out of his pants. As much as I want to stare at other places on his body, I can’t. Nothing has changed between us and I need my friend right now.

Jax peels back the duvet and slides in next to me. He lifts his arm in the air, an invitation for me to cuddle. I don’t need to be told twice. I eagerly lay my head on his chest, and wrap my leg over him, while he holds onto me tightly. I melt into him, expecting to sleep but to my surprise, I open up more.

“I told Liv about the crash . . . It was like I was there all over again. Reliving it all. I could see it all as clear as I can see you. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t—”

“Stop. You did everything that you could. You need to stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault. I miss them too, but I’m not sorry that you’re here, Ads. I need you to be here. I can’t imagine losing you.” His voice cracks.

Gazing into his eyes, I know he’s telling the truth. Which makes it impossible for my heart not to break a little more. He loves me. I know he does. Everything he does proves it over and over again, but he’s not willing to do anything about it for whatever reason. Hearing the sincerity in his voice shatters me.

“I don’t know how to live without them,” I admit.

“One day at a time,” he says, repeating what Liv has told me countless times.

“I know, it’s just hard.” Stalling, I nuzzle closer to him. “I felt like I was betraying them somehow. I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy because they weren’t here. Anytime I started to live again, I could hear my dad’s head hit the window. I’d hear my mom’s last words and, mostly I would see Hadley’s lifeless body while the paramedics tried to save her.”

“They wouldn’t—”

“I know. That’s why I started trying. I realized that if things were different and she was here instead of me, I wouldn’t want her weighed down by guilt. I would want her to live to the fullest because I couldn’t. I would want her to live for me. That’s what I’m doing. I’m living for all of them, especially Hadley. She was so young, she didn’t get to experience life. I feel like I tainted their memories somehow because I haven’t been experiencing life for so long.”

I close my eyes and picture my parents and my little sister. Instead of seeing their lifeless bodies, I see them alive and happy. I see my dad hugging my mom while they dance in our kitchen, and I see Hadley twirling around the house in a tutu when she was eight. I’m surprised that the images don’t make me fall apart. Instead they make me smile, a sad smile, but it’s still more than I’ve been able to do in the last six years. Anytime I remember them, I’ve always felt guilty. It’s strange not having that guilt anymore.

“That’s why I won’t go back to the way I was. I can’t. I know if I do, I won’t be able to pull myself out of it again. And I couldn’t do that to them. My mom told me to be strong and I need to start being the strong person she believed I was.”

Jax doesn’t say anything and I’m glad. He kisses the top of my head. Seconds turn into minutes with neither of us speaking, just basking in each other’s warmth. Eventually Jax ends the silence.

“I’m proud of you. You’re the strongest person I have ever known. You had your entire world turned upside down, everything was taken from you, but you didn’t give up. You—”

“I did give up.”

Jax turns my head so that I’m forced to look at him.

“No. You. Did. Not. Give. Up.” He says each word slowly. I manage to give a little nod because I don’t trust my voice.

“I’ve watched you for the past six years. You continued to fight even if you weren’t aware of it.”

I start to interrupt him, but he places a finger over my lips, silencing me.

“Every day you got up and went to school. You graduated top of the class and now you’re pursuing a career we both know you don’t really want. You’ve been through more than anyone should at such a young age, but you never gave up. I don’t want you feeling guilty because you think you haven’t been living. You have, just in your own way. You had to overcome everything going on in your head to fully come back to us . . . to me.”

I desperately want to kiss him, but I can’t. I know he believes every word he just said, and for some unknown reason, I believe it, too. I kept fighting . . . It just took me six years to realize what I was fighting for . . . I was fighting for me, for life.

“I don’t remember our sleepovers being so depressing,” I say, trying to lighten the mood.

He forces out a laugh. “Yeah, because sneaking into your room against my best friend’s back was sunshine and daisies.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I know,” he says with a sad smile before reaching over me to turn off my side lamp.

“You know, if you ever want to talk about that, I’m here,” I say into the darkness.

Jax’s body tenses. I immediately regret bringing up his past. If he wanted to talk about it, he would. I mentally curse myself.

“I don’t even know what to say.” Jax breaks though my internal rant.

“Whatever comes to you,” I say, repeating what Liv has told me several times.