He gave me that.

I’m aware that Harper has wrapped me in a blanket and is speaking on the phone. I can tell that she’s frantic and all I can do is watch while my mind goes round and round. Troll . . . Jax . . . car accident . . . Hadley. A constant replay.

“She’s here, but not. Her eyes are lifeless and she keeps saying Hadley over and over again.”

Harper pauses to listen. Normally I would care who’s on the other line, I think. I can’t find the energy to care. Not tonight. Tonight I just want to sleep even though it’s pointless. Sleep won’t be coming anytime soon.

“No, I didn’t want to worry him. Besides, something tells me she needs you right now.”

Another pause.

“Because . . . she keeps saying your name too,” Harper says quietly as if she doesn’t want to admit this.

Her voice drowns out again as I relive the last words I ever said to my dad in my head.

I was hurt that he didn’t trust my judgment. He kept asking questions I couldn’t answer. I promised . . . someone . . . it would be our secret . . . nobody would know that it was . . . I groan as that thought floats away, leaving me with more questions I don’t have the answers to.

I was mad that my Dad was pushing me. Mad that my parents ambushed my last swim meet by inviting Jax. I wanted to hurt my Dad. I wanted him to feel how I felt. I said the most untruthful words I’ve ever spoken out loud. Words that I can never take back. Those will forever be the last words he’s ever heard from me. At least with my mom, I was able to say sorry and tell her how much I loved her. I will never get that chance with my dad.

Startling Harper, I jump off the lounge chair and fall to the floor in front of the iron railing. I rock back and forth. I would expect anyone to start freaking out right about now, but nope, not my best friend. She sits right down besides me, throws an arm around my shoulder and hugs me while she helps sway me back and forth. She doesn’t say anything, neither do I.

Harper’s arm drops from my shoulder and she’s gone. I want to cry out to her. To tell her I won’t always be this broken, that I need her, that I can’t be alone right now. I even manage to open my mouth to beg her to stay, but nothing comes out. I just continue to rock into the railing.

“Please . . . Please . . . Help . . . Sister . . . Hurt,” I choke out to the paramedic who is trying to put something over my mouth.

“Shh. I need you to stay calm for me. Okay? Let us do our job. We got her now.” He says it reassuringly, I’m sure to help me relax.

I don’t feel relaxed. I need to see her. Where is she? Why aren’t they working on her? I’m fine. Just a few broken bones. I attempt to tell him again that I’m fine, but nothing comes out. Panic breaks through the surface and I struggle against them, desperate to see Hadley. Where is she? The morning sun blinds me, making it impossible to see without squinting.

Gathering all the strength that I have left, I push the paramedic out of my face, force myself to sit up and scream as loudly as I can, “Hads! Help, Hadley!”

The paramedic gently but firmly pushes me back down onto the gurney. I don’t struggle against him anymore. I’m dying. My breaths are coming slower; this time I don’t fight it. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

“We’re losing her!” someone shouts in the distance.

I’m surprised he sounds so far away. The guy is hovering over me. Why does he sound so far away? Everything starts to float away. I feel lighter.

Before my eyes close for the final time, I see her. They have my sister. She has a mask over her face. A woman runs out of the ambulance with the defibrillator. The man doing compressions doesn’t pause while the pads are placed on her chest. Everything clicks into place. I gather enough strength to keep my eyes open just a little longer. With everything inside of me, which isn’t a lot, I stay awake. This may be the last time I ever see her alive again. I won’t think of what it’s going to be like to not have her in my life.

Time stops.

One . . . Two . . . Three . . . Four . . . Five . . .

Breathe.

I need you!

“We have a pulse!” the woman announces.

As the blackness takes over, I only have one thought.

She’s alive.

The ground disappears beneath me. I breathe in the scent that reminds me of home. It’s so strong that it lures me out of my self-inflicted torture. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I cuddle into his chest fully aware that I should resist him but I can’t. Not tonight. Tonight I want to be in his arms. Tomorrow I’ll be strong. Tonight I’ll be weak in Jax’s strong arms. Jax’s lays me in my bed and starts to pull away.

“Stay,” I manage to squeak out.

“I’m not going anywhere, Ads. I’m just going to talk to Harper then get you in some pjs. Then we will cuddle like old times. Okay?”

He kisses my nose and waits for me to nod against his lips before walking away. At the door he gives me a warm smile then disappears to talk to Harper. I wait for a minute or two but when I don’t hear the front door opening and closing, I get restless. My mind has finally cleared enough that I am fully aware of what’s going on again. I don’t want to hide away in my room. I need to face Harper so that she knows I’m not mental.

I tiptoe around in the hallway and pause as they speak in the living room. I’m spying. I mold my body close to the wall so I can’t be seen while I listen.

“I knew something was wrong immediately. She sounded like she was crying,” Harper informs Jax.

“She doesn’t cry.”

“I know! That’s why I came here without another word. I was prepared to see her bawling her eyes out or something . . .” Her voice trails off.

“But that’s not what you found?”

“She was here, but wasn’t. She was just gone. She was outside when I came in. From a distance I thought she was asleep, but when I got close I heard her mumbling and saw that the light had left her eyes.”

Nobody says anything for a while. I can hear Jax pacing back and forth. Even after everything that has happened between us, I know he wants to be here for me. He can’t help it even if he knows he shouldn’t. Just like I should force him to leave, be strong enough without him, but I can’t. Not tonight. Tonight I need Jaxon Chandler as much as I need to breathe.

I also know that when the sun breaks through my plum curtains, that it will be over. We will go back to our separate lives, my heart broken all over again, and this time I’m willingly allowing it to happen.

“Hadley’s her sister right?” Harper asks quietly, as if she’s afraid to ask.

“Hadley was her little sister.”

“I won’t ask anymore questions. If Addie is ever ready to tell me, I’m here for her. I’m not very forthcoming with information, either, so I understand.”

My entire body relaxes. I thought she would have pushed for answers and I’m glad that I was wrong. She isn’t pissed at me for keeping something like this from her. Which of course makes me wonder what she’s hiding. I know she’s hiding something, but I won’t press. When she’s ready to open up, I’ll be here for her. Just like she is for me.

“Thanks,” Jax says, breaking the silence.

“For what?”

“Calling me.”

“Don’t make me regret it. I already had Logan’s name on my screen, ready to press the call.”

“What stopped you?” Jax asks for both of us.

“You. She called out your name. I was here for almost an hour before I called you. She was either silent or saying Hadley. Then she said your name. After that, I knew I had to call you.”

I would give anything to see his face. I want to see if he’s freaking out or not. I move away from the wall to go in there, but Harper’s voice stops me.