Nothing in the code of conduct we signed at the beginning of our 1L year addressed relationships between faculty and students. The bigger concern for the administrative board seemed to be the possibility that Gray had shown me favoritism on the final exam. I understood where it came from, but it was pretty laughable considering I’d received (and likely earned) a C-plus in his class. If I really were trading sex for grades, clearly I needed to up my game. And you would think that the fact that I got C-pluses in every single freaking class would have clued them in. Unless they thought I was screwing the entire teaching staff. If my life weren’t currently lying in ruins, I’d have to laugh.

Besides, I knew Gray. He’d had two professors read exams that were on the line, including mine, and the dean had read all of his exams.

I was pretty sure they were going to find out what I already knew—I was a solid C-plus law school student.

I skipped the elevator, making my way up two flights of stairs and down the hall. I walked into the room on steady legs and chose a seat at the front, staring at the long table where a group of students were already seated. They’d given me the option of having an attorney present to represent me and I’d considered it briefly, but then I’d realized that I knew exactly what I needed to do. Had known all along.

They went through the formalities, explaining the proceedings while I sat there, my hands clutched in my lap. And then it was my turn to speak and address the board.

I stood and walked over to the podium in the middle of the room. I cleared my throat.

“While I will respect whatever decision this board comes to, I would like to let you know that I have made a decision of my own. Since the withdrawal period doesn’t end for another few days, I’ve decided to withdraw from my law school classes effective immediately.”

Murmurs erupted throughout the room.

“I came to law school for the wrong reasons and I probably should have done this a lot earlier. I knew I didn’t fit here, that it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life, and I was too scared to do something about it.”

I looked at the audience and I met Professor Myers’s gaze and saw approval there for the first time.

“I’d rather admit that I made a mistake now than spend three years of my life doing something that makes me miserable.”

Sometimes the bravest thing you could do was admit you’d made a mistake. It was harder to leave now, to own the fact that I should never have come to law school, that I was never going to be a good attorney, than it would have been to pretend I was someone I wasn’t, to go through the motions of my life because I was trying to save face, because it was expected, rather than what I wanted.

I’d have been lying if I didn’t admit that the giant unknown in my future terrified me; that there was security in following the path others set for you. The question mark hovering in front of me was equal parts monster-under-the-bed scary and exciting. My future was a blank canvas now rather than a picture that didn’t fit.

But it was mine.

And just like that a huge weight was lifted off my chest.

*   *   *

I met Jackie and Will at a Mexican restaurant near Dupont Circle. When Jackie had heard that today was my disciplinary council meeting, she’d insisted on getting together afterward for moral support. I hadn’t seen much of Will lately since he’d been busy with the election and serving his term.

They’d already snagged a booth in the back when I arrived. I gave them both hugs and slid into the seat across from them. They had a margarita waiting.

I grinned as I took a sip. “Thanks. I definitely needed that.”

Jackie gave me a worried smile. “I figured. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I am.” Surprisingly, it was the truth.

“What happened?” Will asked, the same concern in his eyes.

We’d met through his sister, Monica, and been friends for a few years before he’d started dating my sister. Will was one of the nicest guys I knew, and while he and Jackie weren’t the most obvious couple on paper, they were the perfect fit for each other. You could tell that they were both really in love. They were slow-rolling the wedding planning and hadn’t set a date yet since Jackie was finishing her final semester of her undergrad, but I couldn’t wait for them to get married. And to help her get ready to walk down the aisle.

“I withdrew.”

Jackie’s jaw dropped. “No.”

I took another sip of my margarita. “Yep.”

“How are you doing?” Will asked.

“Better now, I think. It was a long time coming.”

Jackie shook her head. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing? Things seem bad right now, but this will all blow over. Trust me.” She nodded toward Will. “Our sex tape is a distant memory. Yeah, you were involved with your professor, but people will forget about it eventually. It’s not worth ruining your career.”

Will met my gaze across the table and I noticed he didn’t say anything. Understanding flickered between us.

Jackie loved politics. It was her life, and I doubted that there was ever a day when she questioned her career choice. I’d never felt the same way. Undergrad had been okay, law school horrendous, and at twenty-three I’d yet to have that moment where I felt that “click” that I’d found the career I was meant to do. Maybe I was expecting too much; maybe you weren’t supposed to feel fulfilled by your job. I didn’t know anymore.

I was surrounded by all of these talented, passionate people, and I felt like there was something wrong with me. I was just going through life, and I wanted more.

I wanted to make a difference in this world, and that was never going to be me practicing law. People like Gray and Caitlin had a gift. I lacked both the ability and the passion.

“This isn’t about Gray.” I pushed out the knife of pain that sliced through me as I said his name. “I hated law school. If this really was my dream, I would have fought for it. But it isn’t. It never was. It was a stupid, impetuous decision I made when my engagement ended because I felt like I needed to redeem myself. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a career I hate, and honestly, pretty much suck at, because I’m afraid to admit that I’d made a mistake.”

Jackie was silent for a moment. “So what now?”

That was the question of the hour.

“I don’t know. I’m going to start looking for a job. I don’t know how useful a bachelor’s in political science will be, but I did a few internships in undergrad. And I’ve volunteered a lot.” I thought back to my previous conversations with Gray. “Maybe I can find a nonprofit or a think tank that’s hiring.” That shouldn’t be the biggest challenge in D.C.

“There’s a nonprofit in Arlington that works with the children of deceased military members,” Will said. He rattled off the name of an organization I hadn’t heard of before. “I’ve volunteered with them in the past and they do amazing work. They provide all kinds of services from special trips to after-school tutoring. I could check with them to see if they’re hiring. Worst case, they’re usually looking for volunteers, so it could be a good foot in the door.”

If the middle school service project had taught me anything, it was how much I enjoyed working with kids. And it did sound like a good cause.

“I would love that. Volunteering might be best for me for now until I sort out a more long-term plan. Thank you.”

Jackie continued to stare at me like I’d lost my mind. Maybe I had. But at least now I was doing things on my own terms.

“What about Gray?” she asked. Trust Jackie to not shy away from the unpleasant subjects.

Gray was the shattered heart in my chest. He was the doubt that plagued me, the fear that I should have fought harder rather than letting him slip through my fingers. Gray was the biggest question I couldn’t answer.