there’s so much more at stake.

My gaze trails to the window, the winter sunlight

struggling through the stubborn clouds. Across the street,

children squeal and giggle as they chase each other

merrily round colorful payground. My eyes follow little

girl as she races from the climbing-frame to the swings,

her daddy pushing her higher and higher as she shrieks in

delight, until suddenly she jumps off, sprinting toward the

seesaw, the slide, her next adventure. The swing jangles

wildly in her wake, careering forward and backward,

joyful still, despite her absence.

On the swing next to it, someone else sways

listlessly, barely moving at all.

534

Holly

kick at the leaves as swing slowly by, watching as

they scuffle and scatter, living for moment in the breeze,

before dropping, lifeless, into the mud.

One leaf still clings to its branch, high above me. It

quivers, fluttering and flickering as the wind tugs at it

again and again—and yet still it stubbornly holds on,

glistening in the sunlight.

In all likelihood it too will eventually fall and

become mucky, trampled into the sodden ground. But

maybe

merciful breeze will spare it—carry it safely to

alight on rooftop or nest. Maybe, somehow, it will cling

to its branch forever. But for now it glimmers, golden in

the winter sunshine. Untouched. Its destiny undecided.

watch the children race around me, laughing and

shrieking, their chubby cheeks rosy with adventure, their

eyes sparkling with possibilities, and close my eyes, the

hot tears spilling down my cheeks. hug my coat tighter,

as if can protect my child with this cocoon, keeping out

the cold and the danger, holding on to my burning heart,

my aching hope.

“Holly!” The word whispers on the wind and tickles

my ear. “Holly!”

open my eyes.

535

“Holly!” the voice calls, louder now. “Holly!”

Dad? look up slowly, my face numb with tears.

“Oh, Holly!” Dad runs across the grass toward me.

“Holly, thank God!”

“Daddy?” My voice cracks as he drops to his knees

in front of me, engulfing me in his arms.

“Dad …,” cry, drowning in his embrace, unable to

believe he’s real. “Dad, what are you doing here?”

He pulls back and cups my face in his hands, his

eyes deep green overflowing pools. “You’re here,” he says

simply, stroking my hair from my face, kissing away my

tears, which are mingling with his own. “You’re here,

Holly-berry. Where else would be?”

crumple into his arms, the pain suddenly

overwhelming.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he soothes, holding me tight. “I

can’t imagine what you’ve gone through—what you’ve

been going through all this time—all on your own …” He

trails off, his eyes bright. “But I’m here now. It’s all right.”

“It’s not all right!” cry miserably, tears flooding my

words. “Daddy, I’m pregnant—the baby—”

“Shhh.” He pulls me close, holding me together as

fall apart. “It’ll be okay,

promise—whatever happens,

whatever you decide.”

My insides twist painfully.

Whatever decide …

“I’m here for you,” he says gently. “I’ll come into the

clinic with you, hold your hand—if that’s still what you

want?”

536

stare up at him, sobs clogging my throat, tears

filling my eyes. want to be strong, to be brave enough to

face the truth— the consequences, but …

clutch my

stomach desperately. But can’t

Dad strokes tear from my cheek.

“If not—if you’ve changed your mind and you don’t

want to know yet—that’s okay too,” he promises, kissing

my forehead. “It’s not too late.”

screw my eyes shut, helpless to stop the tears as

they stream like acid down my cheeks, my head throbbing

mercilessly, my heart on fire.

“It’s your child, Holly,” he says gently, his voice like

cool water. “Your choice. I’ll support you either way, you

know that.” He strokes his thumb gently along my jawline

and bite my lip. “You’re my little girl.”

look up at him, his face shining with love. Words

stick in my throat and hold on tighter, his arms warm

and strong around me.

My dad

think, melting into him. No matter what

the truth is—the blood, the DNA. He always has been.

Even though he knew he might not be. But didn’t know,

and was happy. bury my head deeper into his jacket,

into the familiar smell I’ve known since was little girl.

Sometimes it’s not the lies that hurt you realize. It’s the truth

close my eyes. “Daddy …,”

whisper, my skull

throbbing. “I want my baby.”

“Okay,” he sighs, engulfing me in his warmth. “Oh,

sweetheart, that’s okay.” He folds himself around me,

537

shielding me from the cold winter wind, the world, the

truth.

“You’ve made lot of tough decisions lately, huh?”

He glances over at the parking lot, where Rosie is standing

with Sarah, then back at me, his eyes full. “I’m so proud of

you, Holly-berry,” he whispers, his voice cracking as he

holds me tighter than ever. “You’re gonna be wonderful

mum.”

538

Rosie

The sun finally breaks through the clouds as we

round the corner away from the clinic.

watch it

disappear in the rearview mirror, behind the trees, the

lampposts, the houses; then sink back in my seat, my

eyes closed, glad to leave it behind for the very last time.

So this is how it ends, think, glancing at Jack, his

arm around Holly in the backseat. My dad. smile. found

him, and he’s terrific. We’re reunited.

family. And

now

now we’re all going home.

My gaze falls on Holly, her eyes closed, exhausted,

the opposite side of my coin in so many ways. She made

the choice

couldn’t. She decided not to know. She’d

rather live life hoping for the best than risk discovering

dark cloud looming over her future. Maybe she’ll be lucky,

maybe she’ll be clear, maybe she’ll never develop

symptoms. Even if she does, it won’t be for many years.

Perhaps there’ll even be cure by then. Maybe she’ll live

long and healthy life with her child and I’ll get hit by bus

next week. Who knows?

glance at Sarah in the driver’s seat, her face aged

decade since saw her last, haunted by the repercussions

of one split-second decision she made eighteen years

539

ago

Her eyes meet Jack’s in the rearview mirror again.

This time he smiles peacefully as he strokes Holly’s hair.

The past has passed, after all. It’s time for us all to

move on, look to the future.

Time to say goodbye.

sigh as climb out of the car and look up at Nana’s

house. The front door opens and freeze as recognize the

familiar face.

Andy.

“Hey, stranger,” he says, walking down the drive

toward me. “Fancy seeing you here.”

beam at him, my heart racing. What’s he doing

here? He should be on the other side of the world—

shouldn’t he?

He glances at the car.

“I came to give Holly lift to …” He hesitates. “Has

she—is she …?”

“No.” shake my head. “She chose not to know.”

He looks relieved.

“But what are you—how did you—aren’t you meant

to be in

Cambodia or something?” stammer.