“It’s Andrew.” She smiles, and my heart sinks. “I’ll

just go and make another brew,” she whispers, closing the

door behind her.

Andy. Great. No doubt Rosie’s put him on my case

sigh as put the phone to my ear. “Hi, Andy.”

“Holly, thank God—I didn’t know how to get hold of

you.”

“Look, Andy, you don’t have to worry,” tell him

irritably. “I haven’t said anything, and anyway it’s really

none of your—”

“Holly,” he interrupts. “It’s not about that.”

falter. “It’s not?”

“Holly, the clinic rang—they still have my mobile

number for you.”

freeze. The clinic? So soon?

“You need to call the clinic in Westhampton,” Andy

tells me. “They want to see you. Today.”

“Why?” ask, the phone trembling in my hand. “Is

there problem?”

“No,” Andy says carefully. “Not that know of.”

“Then …” can hardly hear, my heart’s pounding so

loud. “Then what?”

“Holly,” he says gently. “Your results are in.”

527

Rosie

As soon as Sarah slows down, spill out of the car

and race up Nana’s driveway, skidding on the gravel as

run to her front door, ringing the doorbell and knocking

madly on the glass.

Please beg. Please tell me it’s not too late!

“Rosie!” Nana’s eyes widen as she opens the door.

Her hands fly to her mouth and stare at her, paralyzed.

Does she know?

“Oh, Rosie!” she cries, engulfing me in hug. “I can’t

believe it! What are you doing here? Holly didn’t say

anything about you coming back so soon!”

freeze. Holly So am too late. close my eyes, limp

in her arms.

“Nana,”

begin. “Oh, Nana, I’m so sorry,

can

explain …”

“Tush!” Nana chides, stroking my hair. “There’s

nothing to explain—it’s lovely surprise.”

“What?” pull back and look at her, confusion and

fear jostling in my head.

“We had

lovely chat, Holly and I—she’s

charming girl, isn’t she?”

stare at her, searching her eyes, tortured.

528

“Oh, it’s just so good to have you home!” She grabs

me in another hug and

feel myself relax slowly. She

doesn’t know. Holly didn’t tell her. She was here, but she

didn’t tell her.

“I’m sorry—and you are?” Nana smiles, turning to

Jack.

“Jack Woods,” Jack says, extending his hand. “Holly’s

dad. mean—”

“Oh, how wonderful!” Nana says, “But I’m afraid

you’ve just missed her—Andrew rang and she had to dash

off in taxi.”

Andy? Andy rang Nana’s house? He stopped Holly

telling her?

“Do you know where she went?” Jack asks.

She frowns. “Yes, Westhampton, think she said.”

Westhampton

the genetics clinic!

“Thanks, Nana—I’ll be straight back, okay? We just

have to find Holly.”

“Oh, okay then, dear. Doesn’t she know you’ve come

to see her?” Nana smiles at Jack. “What day of surprises!”

kiss her cheek, then hurry back to Sarah’s waiting

car.

She can say that again.

529

Holly

pay the cabdriver and stand for moment, staring

up at the redbrick building, unable to move. Across the

street is playground. How ironic. look away, the sound

of children’s laughter playing like torturous music in my

ears, and just concentrate on breathing— in, out, in out—

watching my breath rise in wisps and float away to

nothing.

I’ve longed for this moment, for the waiting, the

endless waiting to be over. And now it is

finally.

You don’t have to know Charlotte said. You don’t

have to collect your results— lots of people pull out partway through gaze up at the clinic. You have to be ready to live with the result, whatever it is. Positive or negative …

thought was ready. I’ve imagined this moment so

many times—both bad news and good news—I thought

was prepared

But here am. Now. Today. look at the clinic, my

heart hammering madly, all my hopes and dreams and

wishes whirling with my fears and doubts and anxieties,

about to hear the news of my life. Literally.

close my eyes, trying to preserve this moment, to

predict what the outcome will be. For both of us. Our

530

future. Or not. Fifty percent Heads or tails. Place your bets now.

take

deep breath and force my legs to move,

slowly, one after the other; force myself to breathe— in,

out, in, out— and suddenly I’m at the door, my breath fogging the glass. My last clinic visit? Or the beginning of

lifetime membership?

With the last of my strength push inside, the rush

of warm air making me dizzy.

“Holly Woods,” tell the receptionist. “I’m here to

get my results.”

531

Rosie

“Come on, come on,” Jack urges as Sarah speeds

through Bramberley, through Maybridge, and on toward

Westhampton, to the clinic.

stare out the window, willing the roads to clear,

the lights to turn green.

We have to get there in time—she can’t go through

this alone, it’s too hard.

“It’ll be okay,” Sarah says quietly, catching Jack’s eye

in the rearview mirror. “Whatever the outcome, promise

it’ll be okay.”

He looks away.

We finally arrive at the clinic, and race into the

waiting room, an awful feeling of déjà vu hitting me like

sledgehammer as scan the patients waiting anxiously on

the hard plastic seats, reading the same magazines

flicked through just weeks ago. feel sick.

“Holly?” Jack cries, bursting through the door.

“She’s not here,” tell him miserably. “She must’ve

already gone in.” All on her own

“Can help you?” the receptionist asks.

“I’m looking for my daughter,” Jack tells her

breathlessly. “Holly Woods. Is she here? Has she gone in

yet?”

532

The receptionist glances at me, then back at Jack.

“I’m afraid can’t give you that information, sir,” she says

awkwardly. “Patient confidentiality.”

“Screw patient confidentiality!” Jack bangs his fist

on the counter, sending leaflets scattering to the floor.

“She’s my daughter—my little girl!”

The receptionist backs away, startled. “I’m sorry,

sir.”

“I’m her midwife.”

turn, surprised, as Sarah walks confidently up to

the counter, showing her ID.

“I need to see my patient urgently. Could you tell

her I’m here, please?” She eyeballs the receptionist, who

hesitates.

“Look,” she says slowly. “I’ll let the counselors know

you’re here, all right? Then if Holly’s here, she’ll be told.

Okay?”

Jack hangs his head, exhausted. “Thank you,” he

sighs as she picks up the phone. He glances at Sarah.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” She smiles.

“Take seat,” the receptionist says, and Jack slumps

into

chair.

follow silently. There are no words. No

comfort. Only the wait. Always the wait. The weight.

sigh, my eyes wandering aimlessly around the

room, feeling uncomfortable and restless in this too-

familiar place. This was me. I’ve lived this. This is where

sat while Mum had her tests, got her results, where sat to

get my own. The familiar wallpaper, the saccharine-

533

smelling air freshener. But this time it’s worse. This time