Finn is God

We’re at 15,000 feet now, and when you look down at the ground, you immediately try to step away from the door. You want to bail on this. I back you up, and we let someone else jump first. I put my arms around your waist and pull you in, holding you, letting you know I’m with you. I tell you that you can do this, that you’re strong enough and brave enough. I tell you that you can do anything. So you nod and agree to jump.

 

We move to the edge of the plane again and pause. You cross your arms over your chest and lean your head back into me like I told you. I start to rock us back and forth, getting us ready to jump. And then we go.

Matt knew that he might have gone too far. That he might lose her now.

Or that Finn might lose her.

But he couldn’t stop because the thought of being able to hold her, to feel her against him while his arms wrapped around her protectively....

It was suddenly heartachingly clear how much he wanted this and how easy it was to imagine it with near provocative clarity. She was not just his friend. She was more.

Matt had spent quite a bit of time, he realized, watching Julie. Not just how beautiful she was, but how she moved, how she spoke, what made her laugh. He knew almost too much. The way her body eased past his in the narrow kitchen, the way she brushed her hair from her face when she was studying, the way her eyes narrowed when she disagreed with something in a textbook. He knew her determination, her warmth, her openness.

Celeste was right. Damn it.

Matt’s breathing picked up a bit when she replied. She wanted him to keep going.

Julie Seagle

How do I feel when we jump?

Finn is God

The minute we hit the air, you are surprisingly relaxed. All of your problems seem to go away. Your stomach doesn’t drop. There’s no falling sensation. It’s just freeing. It’s as close to flying as you’ll ever get. A calm like you’ve never known before, and you don’t want it to end.

Matt put a hand on the back of his neck. God, was he sweating?

Finn is God

So we freefall like this for 5,000 feet. We don’t want it to stop. We want to feel like this forever, lost in this experience. This is why people pull their chutes late, because freefalling is like a drug.

Julie Seagle

Or something else, I’m guessing.

Finn is God

Yes, or something else. They do call it an “airgasm” for a reason.

Julie Seagle

I can see why. But we have to pull the chute.

Finn is God

Yes, we have to pull the chute. So I do it. And it jerks us back—hard—but then we’re falling smoothly, softer than before, easily. We’re drifting together. It’s quieter now, and you can hear my voice.

Julie was completely with him, he knew. She was as much out of that elevator and in the heart of this fabricated but still very real moment as Matt was.

Julie Seagle

And what do you say to me?

Matt thought. What did he want to say to her? That right now he was accepting that it drove him crazy when she sat so close to him when they studied together, especially on his bed? That, while of course she was always beautiful, his legs would nearly give out when she came downstairs in the morning with her hair thrown into a messy knot smack on the top of her head and her robe wrinkled and barely tied? That he knew she liked to get dressed up for her nights out, but that he liked her Saturday afternoon look of yoga pants and no makeup? That the way she cared for Celeste with such abandon and acceptance moved him more than he could fathom? That she was skilled and talented and warm and patient enough that, seemingly without even trying, she’d drawn him in from the cold world where he had been living since that horrible day when Finn died?

Did he want to tell her the truth? Maybe she knew already or maybe it wouldn’t matter. All the hours of writing back and forth over the past few months might have added up to something that could go beyond this virtual relationship. And that’s what they were doing, whether either of them could really admit it; they were having a relationship. More specifically, they were having two relationships. The blending of those two, that was what could make this all fall apart. Would make it fall apart, Matt realized.

As Finn, he had fallen into an online relationship that was safe and controlled. He could show Julie sides of him that he wanted to and guard the others. He could show her who he wanted to be.

As Matt, their friendship had to battle all the real-world challenges that he carried with him, and he had no clue how to act like any guy Julie would take interest in. He didn’t know how to flirt anymore, and half the time that he was around her Matt was stressed to no end about what Julie was going to do next with Celeste, or whether she would somehow find out about the family’s lies. And while he didn’t really care much about how he looked, he figured that a girl as breathtaking as he found Julie to be could easily attract modelesque guys. On the other hand, she didn’t seem like someone who would date just for looks. She was too smart and dynamic to be that superficial. Maybe that was the problem. She was everything that Matt wasn’t. Not anymore. She was so well rounded that it nearly hurt to be around her. As things were, while they had established a friendship and a certain companionship, she wasn’t falling for him. She was falling for Finn, a part of Matt that no longer fit into the real world.

Julie Seagle

Shit. The elevator is working now.

Finn is God

That’s good news!

Julie Seagle

Right now it doesn’t feel like it. I’ll find you later.

Matt shut his laptop. What the hell had just happened to him? To them? He got up and went down to the kitchen. He needed water. And probably a cold shower. Or two. He was definitely more riled up than he’d been in a very long time.

He stood at the same counter where Julie grilled him about Celeste after her first dinner here. She’d been relentless in her questions about Flat Finn, but not once did she seem put off. A bit pushy, perhaps, but always very kind. She just wanted to understand, and who could blame her? Matt hopped up and sat on the counter in Julie’s spot and downed a tall glass of ice water.

What was he going to do?

Maybe nothing. He might as well try to enjoy this online relationship for as long as he could. At some point it would probably fade out the way most things do anyway. Julie was presumably with Seth right now, so it’s not as if that thinly veiled elevator chat had caused her to brush aside her evening date.

No, he told himself. This was wrong. Julie deserves the truth. She hasn’t done anything wrong, she didn’t ask for this.

So he would tell her. Tonight when she got home, he would tell her everything, and he would deal with the fallout. That elevator chat between them had gone too far, and he had to put a stop to this. It was clear to him that this was the only choice. He’d dealt with everything falling apart before, and he would do it again.

There. It was decided, and the torturous back and forth debate about what to do was over.

He shut off most of the downstairs lights, but made sure to leave the front porch light on. He got to the top of the stairs before he came back down and also turned on the entryway light and one in the living room before going back up. He stopped at the top of the stairs. The light was on in his parents’ room, and he could see Erin standing in the middle of the room with a full wine glass in her hand. She really shouldn’t be drinking, and he could tell by the slight sway in her stance that she had already had more than enough.