Kayden: Is he gay?
I spit my coffee out, drenching the kitchen table.
Me: No, he’s married with kids now. We weren’t right for each and I had to walk away.
Kayden: You’re beautiful. All that long brown hair, big beautiful brown eyes, and smokin’ hot body are delicious. How can a man not want to make love to you?
He said I was beautiful again. I never thought of myself as ugly, but more ordinary. I always wanted blue eyes or something more unique. My hair is straight and one length and never held a curl no matter how hard I tried and grazed my waist. I’m taller than most women and slender with a pouch on my stomach. I felt plain at times, but I knew my eyes were my best feature. They were large with long eyelashes and I loved using different colors of makeup to help them stand out more.
Kayden: A relationship is nothing without passion, you made the right choice. It’s not always easy, but it’s best to keep your sanity.
I tapped my foot, unable to keep still. I didn’t want the conversation to be about me.
Me: You’ve given up on dating entirely?
Kayden: Yes, strictly physical relationship now.
Me: So you have sex with strangers? Are you that guy—the type that sleeps with a girl, never to be heard from again?
Kayden: Fuck no, not anymore at least. I’m upfront with each of them.
Does that mean he’s sleeping with more than one?
Me: Them?
Kayden: I’m not banging my way through the female population of New Orleans. I turn to in my time of need.
My body tingled thinking about Kayden needing sex. A porno clip played in my mind and he was the star.
Kayden: I’m not a dick about it.
I blinked, being pulled out of my sex haze.
Me: You sound kind of like a caveman to me.
Kayden: I don’t take what’s not freely offered. They know I’ll never be their boyfriend, they take it for what it is, a night of pleasure... mind numbing pleasure, the type that makes your toes curl, takes your breath away, and leaves you wanting more.
Fuck me. Every part of my body ignited. I’ve never had that… ever. I wanted it more than anything in the world. The bland vanilla sex in my real life lacked the passion and want of the carnal pleasure I had with my book boyfriends. He said they, as in more than one, fucking hell.
Me: OMG. You’re a man whore.
Kayden: Ouch, Sophia. That’s a bit harsh isn’t it?
Me: I thought it was more funny than harsh. I meant it the nicest way.
I didn’t blame Kayden. I’m sure he’d been upfront with them; some didn’t mind being used in that way, hell, maybe they were using him. I’ve never been a user or let myself be used. Maybe that was my problem, why my life is navy blue. I was drawn in by him, a man my exact opposite. I felt safe and comfortable talking to him. He’s hundreds of miles away, not looking for a girlfriend, and added color to my dreary world.
Kayden and I had been talking for a week now. The hour a day online conversations turned into all day banter. We worked and messaged each other every moment we could, usually falling asleep in the middle of the conversation. I wanted to know everything about his man. He shared his days with me, the tiniest detail I clung to. I still thought the man whore title fit him perfectly, but he was more complex. He’s passionate and romantic, but his heart’s been destroyed and I needed to know why.
Me: Can I ask you something? If you don’t want to answer I understand.
Kayden: Shoot.
Me: What happened in your relationships to make you swear them off forever?
I hit send and grimaced as I read my question. I didn’t want to offend him or scare him off. The last week I’ve had more fun talking to him than any other person in my life. Today was navy blue day, and offending Kayden would make the day a total loss.
Kayden: It’s not an easy answer. I’ve been divorced for a long time and I finally fell in love again four years ago. We were like oil and water and it ended in disaster. She’s a crazy bitch and I swore off relationships forever.
My heart ached for him, for swearing off love forever. How bad was it? It must have been bad to make him swear off women forever. I’d only chatted with Kayden a week. I shouldn’t be as sad or concerned for him as I felt. I couldn’t rationalize my feelings with reality.
Me: Twice and you’re out?
Kayden: My ex-girlfriend, Lisa (not my ex-wife), ripped my heart out. I don’t think I could survive going through it again.
Me: Heartache can make you feel that way. You’re too young to give up on it, though. And really, you can’t stop love—sometimes it just happens.
Kayden: Not if I have my way. I’m not looking for love and I stay away from any situation where it’s even a possibility.
I furrowed my brows and pouted. Why was I bothered by his answer? Did I think he’d change his mind and that I’d be ‘the one’?
Me: I’m sorry. You’ve just picked the wrong ones. You shouldn’t give up on love, just your taste in women.
Kayden: Maybe, but for now it’s easier for me. I work seven days a week and keep myself busy. I’m happier than I’ve been in years, Sophia.
Me: I don’t believe it, but you can keep lying to yourself, Kayden.
Kayden: Tell me about your past relationships or your current one?
I bit my lower lip, thinking of a way to describe where it had all gone wrong.
Me: They’ve all been passionless, an endless sea of navy blue.
Kayden: Can I ask you a couple questions? It only seems fair.
Palm meet forehead. He’s always answered my questions, how could I say no? I swallowed hard trying to figure a way out of it, but nothing came to me.
Me: Go ahead—fair’s fair.
Kayden: Did they hold you every night and kiss you each day?
I didn’t want to admit to the mediocrity in my love life, but I didn’t have anything to lose either.
Me: No, they didn’t hold me and the kisses were short, sweet, and chaste.
Kayden: There’s problem number one. Do you like to be held?
Me: Yes, but guys just don’t seem into it.
Kayden: Maybe the guys you’ve been with. I fucking love it, one thing I miss not being in a relationship. Okay, so what about kissing? Why only short little kisses? I mean that’s how you kiss a friend.
I tapped my thumbs against my phone thinking of how to answer this.
Me: I love to kiss, just haven’t found someone that brings me to my knees with a kiss. It’s always too sloppy or too neat. I don’t even try to kiss anymore, why be disappointed?
Kayden: Ahhh… Maybe you’re the problem. Maybe you’re a bad kisser.
Me: WTF. No, I’m a damn good kisser, or at least I remember I used to be.
Kayden: I don’t know about that, has to be some reason behind it. I could tell you… if you’re good or not.
I stared at the screen with my mouth open and gulping like a fish out of water. The thought of kissing Kayden sent tingles throughout my body. Do. Not. Geek. Out. My fingers shook as I typed my reply.
Me: Oh, you’re the authority?
Kayden: I’ve never had any complaints and I’m just offering to help you out.
Me: You’re so full of shit.
Kayden: The offer stands, Sophia. When you want me to give you my honest opinion all you have to do it call me. My number is…
I quickly added his number to my contacts, not wanting to take any chance of losing it. He didn’t ask for mine, but if he would’ve asked, I would’ve given it to him.